Lost in love

@ my attic room, behind my pc
♫ Bertolf: Not bringing me down (For Life album)
☼ None to be seen, only rain and more rain



♫ Not bringing me down

With your hand I was complete
now you're out of sight
That first time I could hardly see no light
but gone are the nights I couldn't sleep
I couldn't close my eyes
gone ate the cays
I could hardly keep from crying

(Chorus)
Cause I'm alright
Yeah I'm alright
It's not bringing me down
No more

Thought I could never get over you
it'd take a lot of time
Thought I could never love someone new
but why?
Well, that was a surprise cause I...

Chorus

Well, it hurt so much
but it doesn't hurt no more
When I'm looking for love
it doesn't lead me
To your door
tried to forget you so hard
Can't remember what it's for

Chorus

While listening to this song (again) I just started to write. It is not an autobiography or anything. Just my thoughts going *swoosh* and controlling my hands into typing this... This might make you wonder, this might make you skip this post. I dunno what you will do. I think I do care though, seeing I love to reach out to others and try to open up discussions about stuff. About things that I care about, things that make me think and wonder...

Lost in love

You hold me so close, though it feels like you're miles away. Your thoughts are not with you, with us, and it troubles me. I want to look you in the eyes and hope they will tell me where you are. But your eyes are closed, tears slowly escaping your lashes. Your grip on me tightens and it's getting hard to breathe. But I don't mind. Don't mind at all. Because as long as you're holding me, I know part of you is still around to be found. I want to talk to you, to ask you what's wrong. But I know it would be worthless and I will have to wait for you to start the talking. But you only deeply inhale and then you stutter while exhaling and the tears keep rolling down your cheeks.

You need me, maybe more or less than I need you. But I know that as long as we both believe in what's right, we are strong enough to make it though. I am not that strong or tough, but for you I will give my last bit of energy. As long as I know it will help you and I can count on you catching me when I fall. As long as I know that I'm not alone in all this.

All this going down around us. Making us bend and shape again and again. Twisting us into it's ways. Controlling it would be something we'd probably never totally accomplish. Since it is the way of the world, of the humans that live on it and the way they do that. People that you know can really affect you, make you do things that you normally wouldn't even dream of of doing it. But still, you feel there is no other way to do it, no other way out (or in).

And while I am holding you as tight as you are holding me I keep on thinking about how you were treated. How people have used you, and me too, and there was nothing you could directly do against it. You had to endure it, day after day. Making you both stronger but also really vulnerable. I saw you and know you were (and are) special. But you couldn't see it, not in a million years. The way you were treated and you were told that you were everything but special, you started to believe it. How could it not be true after hearing it so many times? How could it not be true when people who you thought meant everything to you were the ones telling you this? And now, now you are told that you are special and all. Why should this person lie to you and try to convince you of something that you're not? Or maybe, just maybe, that one person was right and you were lied to for a big part of your life. Trying to control you in a very mean way and *damn* they did conquer your soul. They had you on a leash all along. And then you wonder WHY WHY WHY??? To what use? Why use me? Why was I used?

While your mind is running all these questions again and again, the tears keep escaping from behind your eyelids, falling of your lashes and rolling down your cheeks. They are forming a river of loneliness. A river of pain that you endured all this time, keeping it inside because you thought you did not matter.

And now, you are lost. Lost in love and your thoughts. I keep on trying to get you back. Get you to talk to me. Get you to open up and see you can really trust me. Let you know that I do think you are really special and not just because I need you to do something for me.

Holding me tight, your breathing relaxes a bit. The in- and exhales are slowing down, less deep, less throbbing. Slowly your head tilts a bit towards mine and your eyes give in to opening up to me. While I am looking you in your eyes, I am the one getting lost in love...