Saturday, March 25, 2006

*I remember you*

I smell you. Though it was a long time since I saw you.
I hear you. Though it has been a while since we spoke.
I need you. Though you are not really there for me anymore.
I know your spirit still lives on, but it is not the same.
I long for that last hug we never had.
I hunger for the time to say I am sorry.
I dream that we are together again, though it will take some time for me to get where you are.

Every sentence started with I. Am I really that important? Or am I being selfish sarting off like that? Or is it just my way of expressing myself? Well, enough about me, what do you think of me?

The last time we were together, is not the last thing of you that I remember. Since after death, I got your card, saying you had a good time and nice weather. Does that mean that you already forgave me for the things I said? Since I cannot seem to forgive myself. All these years have not made it easier on me, have not made me able to forgive me. Friends have assured me that you are proud of me, that you have faith in me. But the guilt I took upon me after your death, that will never go away.

Maybe I do not want it to go, since it is a reminder of you.
Maybe a painfull one.
Maybe not the right one.
But it is you.

In a drawer in my closet on the attic. All your letters. Almost all written in your favorite color. Read and re-read and again. I cherish them more than ever. I still have a t-shirt that was yours. Granddad gave it to me, I put it in a bag and never wore it. It just smells like you always did, though now your scent is fading away. I wish I had more pictures of you, of you and me. But The ones I have will have to do. Since there is no chance to make new ones.

I wish and dream.
I cry and have nightmares.
I feel lost and lonely.
I miss you...

The questions why and what if are still present within me. What if you were at home when it happened? Would that have saved you? I wish I would know the answers. But no, rather not. Since it will not make a difference. It will only make me sad if my what if questions are answered in a way, that would mean you could still be here. Maybe it is time to start forgiving myself. But I do not want to lose you.

The presents you made for me with "Sint Nicolaas", some of them I still have. I look at them and see you in my thoughts. Working on them, with a twinkle in your eye, already knowing how much pleasure you would give me with it. All those times you played songs for me on your Hammond Organ. You were teaching me how to play, I loved those times. I did buy a keyboard this year and I want to learn. But it is not the same without you.

The days we spent that I still remember. The times we laughed and cried while watching movies. The times I went on a sleepover to you. I loved it. Playing cards together, doing the dishes together, doing so much together. And it has been almost 10 years, but still I remember it as it was yesterday.

Time goes by.
Minute by minute.
Year by year.
Live on.
I will never.
Never let you.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Writing practise

I have read several blogs of people who are writers and I find the same "exercise" on many of them. It is that you have to take a story and tell it again, from someone else's view. I just wrote about my grandma and her troubles when she had the wrong medcation. I want to try to get into her mind and tell it again. I used "flashes" of the things she has seen. And I used a lot of thoughts, since when living alone, one tends to think some things rather than to say it. AT least, my granny does...

Getting up is never easy when you're getting old. Ah there is my bathrobe. Ow gotta run to the toilet. I wish that lift would go faster down... Just made it! Well, I better make some breakfast, cup of tea and get my pills. Ah there is the newspaper.
Hmm, I wonder if I hit my head. Nope, no bumps. But what is that? There is a cat on my table. "SHOO! Get off you!" Stupid animal... "Hey I told you to beat it!" Ah, where was I? Ah yes, the paper. Ow bugger, now the tea's gone cold. Well, better clean it up and go wash myself. WHAT???
"What happened here? Hey who did this? Why is there all this grafitti on my walls?"
and a moment later all was well again
Ow there is that cat again, he brought some friends. I'd better put open the windows so they all can leave me in peace. What is happening today? I cannot tell anyone, they would lock me up in a nuthouse for sure. No, better keep my mouth shut and pretend all is well when my daughter gets here.
she was down again, the windows on the second floor still open
I have to hide! The Nazi's are back. I don't wanna go into the gas chamber. Better go hide where they don't find me.
she locked herself in the toilet. when my mum arrived, she got a bog shock. all was open, grandma was nowhere to be found.
I have to keep quiet. They may not hear me. They told me not to move or to open the door. Door must stay closed. I can hear you calling, but I will not answer. I may not answer. I am cold but I have to stay here. What if they find me? What if they see that I opened that door? No I have to stay.
my mum tried, at last, the toilet door. when she could not open it, she knew enough. it took her a lot of time to open it, but inside she found her mother. at that point, when the door opened, a bit of grandma returned.
"Ow thank you! They locked me up here and I was not allowed to open the door."
since she sat on the toilet cover for a long time, bruises were already showing (she has thin skin, bruises very easily)
"Who locked me? No never mind, I just forgot how to open the door. Why I didn't respond? I must have fallen asleep. No there is nothing wrong, I am just cold."
but after a while it came back and my mum was still there
No I can not let her know. I just stare at the wall like nothing is going on. There is no cat on my table, I do NOT see the Nazi people surrounding me and those kids again with their grafitti, they are also not real. If I just keep on looking at that spot there, she will not know. Hmm, I should have a converstation, I know, but I just cannot concentrate enough to also talk... What is happening? They will lock me up. "I'm not crazy."
my mum looked up, already wondering what she was talking about beneath her breath and why she was staring at the wall. that was the que to get the doc in asap.
"Why are you calling the doctor? I said I feel fine already. Nothing is wrong. I'm not crazy."
the doc came, examined her, and she played nice weather with him... so he told my mum to call again when something was happening. this resulted in my mum staying over at grandma's place for the night.
There they are again, those stupid cats. Better open up my window again, it helped the last time. "Shoo, get out of my room!"
mum woke up and went to my grandma's bedroom. what she saw made her call the doc again. this could not go on this way.
She called the doctor again? Is there really something strange going on with me? Hey why do I have my windows open? That is not normal. Can I tell them what happened? I do not want to be locked up in a nuthouse, I am not that crazy. I am not crazy. Not crazy, not crazy...
a couple of hours later they found a place for her. i was at my work and mum called me. i got off and collected mum and granny in the car.
"Look out for those people ridin' on the hood!"
"Well, of course grandma, they have to pay me when we get there, so we have to be careful."
"Look at those flats, the walls filled with graffiti. It's awefull!"
"Well grandma, some call it art."
"You must think I am crazy."
"No grandma, you just had the wrong combination in pills. You are as crazy as I am."
"Should that be a compliment?"
"Never mind grandma, we are here."

From that point on, it only went better. She got other pills and she cleared up. After 2 weeks she could go home again. Only to be there for a few weeks before having a stroke and getting diagnosed with lung cancer. They cleared her of the cancer, till now....

Thursday, March 23, 2006


I lay in bed, twisting and turning. My thoughts keep me awake, they keep active and make me sad. I did not ask for it, nor did I think of it. I just thought it was all over and done. Like "been there, done that". It took her over a year to get back to her own home, her own bed. It took a lot of strength to come back.
When I saw her, laying in that hospital bed, tubes all over her, I silently cried. I knew she was strong. She just came home from from the hospital. She got the wrong medicines and it went totally wrong. She came into another world, sometimes the past living up, sometimes it just sounded like a nightmare. When I got a call at work that they found a place for her in the hospital, I rushed over. There she sat next to me.
"Look out for those people on the hood of the car!" she yelled at me. I just went along, since it would only make her mad if I did not go along with her. "Those kids, all that graffiti on the buildings" she shook her head. It was a long 15 minute ride. But I was so happy that she would be safe there. Safe from herself, safe from the world she lived in. Though at moments, she knew it all. She knew all that had happened, with blanks from where she had her other thoughts again.
After a time, the drugs wore off and the effects they had were gone. So she could go home again. She was strong, she survived. I was proud of her, of what she had been through. She never talks about WWII, but sometimes she lived in it again. Hearing her talk about it, shivers running down my spine.
So she was home again. The worries flowed away and I felt at ease again. Then, a few days later, she got a stroke. Luckily she had an emergency button, but it took her over 2 hours to finally realise she needed to press it. So back to the hospital. The next morning my mum called me. I arranged a co-worker to fill in for me, I had to see her. I never had a strong bond with her, but that never meant I did not love her. Seeing her, with those tubes, hearing the machines around her. I felt I lost her. With all she had gone through before, I never could hope she was strong enough to pull it through. But she went from worse to bad... Bit by bit she came back to us. Then, she got a broken bed and fell on the floor. So she got bruised. And again, she came back. She is a fighter, someone to be proud of. She is more stubborn that I am, maybe that is why we never got along so well.
So she had to rehabilitate. She did not like the place she had to do it, and it was surely no fun. But we were glad that she was taken care off. After a while she made some friends. She began to help the staff with the coffee servings and all. I was very happy when I heard that she could finally come home. It had taken her a year, hospital and rehabilitation and all, but she made it.

But the stroke was not all. They discovered a spot on her lungs when they compared old and new Xrays. She had a small tumor, which was growing rapidly. They had to cut off a part of her lung. It was cancer. After the surgery she had some more tests and all was well.

She visitied our relatives in the States last year. Together with my mum she went on vacation. She did it all.

And now, a year later, her other lung has a spot. She is weaker than she was. There will be more tests on what it is, but just writing this, gives me tears to my eyes.

She is my 84 year old grandma, the only one I have left. She is....well, I will not say going away, but a new operation, again surgery..... The chances of her surviving the surgery last time were small, so I guess they are even smaller now... I want to think positive, but I also think of the pain she can get. Cancer is such an ugly thing. I went through it before, with the mother of my boyfriend. I know the pain that goes with it. I just want to save her from that pain. I guess that I would rather see her peacefully die in her sleep than dying because the cancer is winning.

I wish I could do something, but I can't. It makes me feel sad inside. It makes me get dreams and nightmares, it makes me wonder if there is a God. I am raised as a Catholic, but I lost my faith a long time ago. So many things that have happened to me, so many people I knew and loved that I had to say goodbye to....

*Extra Flamey*

This is my story of Willow in "New Moon Rising", season 4 episode 19. It is just the end of the episode, where Willow says goodbye to Oz and declares her love to Tara.

The electricity went down, all turned dark. All but in my heart, because I thought of you and that lightened me. You made me see all clear and bright, even this dark night. But there where things I needed to take care of first, before I could be with you. I needed to have one of the most difficult talks I ever had so far. I knew he'd understand, I knew I would cry and I knew that in the progress so far, I only hurt you and your feelings. So I had to make it up to you, after that talk.
So I talked with him, told him how I felt. That I did love him, but now more as a friend. I fell in love with someone else. I fell in love with you. But he had already thought that, he had smelled it. He had smelled the sweater you were wearing the other day, my sweater. And I think he also had smelled her on me. We had a good talk and after a hug and tear I left him and we rode away. Just like he did before, but now with a goodbye.
I had thought about what to say to you. How to say it, how you would react. I brought a candle with me, though I figured you already had a lot of them. Had I been albe to watch through the door, I would have seen you sitting there, alone in that chair, in the dark looking out the window. But I was nervous enough without knowing how you felt. I felt sad and I only hoped that you would listen to me, to my apologies. I lighted the candle and knocked on your door, my heart thumping in my throat. You opened the door. I looked at you and you looked sad. I looked around and it was dark. "No candles?" I asked you, and without waiting for an answer "Well, I brought one, it's extra flamey". You took over the candle without a word and I closed the door behind me. You looked at the candle, you looked so lost. "Tara, I have to tell you..." But you interrupt me. "No, I, I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love." "I am." "You mean?" "I mean. Okay?" "Oh yes". You bring a smile on your face and I feel warmth inside me. So I continue with my confession. "I feel horrible about everything I put you through. A-and I'm gonna make it up to you. Starting right now." You look up, still questioning me, I can see it in your eyes. "Right now?" you ask me. All I could do is smile and nod. With a smile on your beautiful face, you blow out the candle. This is a new beginning, a new moon rising...

The end.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, I borrowed them. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is from Joss Whedon and 20th Century Fox. This is just the end of the episode, seen through Willow's eyes, as seen by my eyes.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Some older poems

to keep my eyes from
falling shut
dozing off
sleeping away

strike them
and like magic
there is fire
to light up the room

did your folks never warn
you not to play with fire
you might get burned
so easily

not to be mistaken for love
since they both
can warm you
and light up your life

But matches
don't live long
and love can be
forever if taken
good care off

So I strike a match
to light a candle
to make shadows
on the two of us
while we love

February 8th 2006, Cynthia

What is in an hour
what is in a minute
what is a day
compared to a human life?

What is a second
a second to lose
what happens when you're too late?

Are you ever too late
or are others just early
or are you just in time the right time
the universe planned for you?

What is a human life
compared with all the pain
one must endure?

What is a human life
compared with all the love
one can receive and give?

Days go by, wether you want them or not
take your love by the hand,
never let it go
times can be rough and hard
times can be lovely and sweet
but you'd better be prepared
because you never know
what that next minute will bring you in your human life....

Februaty 6th 2006, Cynthia


They live in you
they live in me
but I may not let them live me
live and control my life

My life belongs to me
even though sometimes
I must put trust
in other people's hands

Since some things are too hard
too difficult or strong
to face alone, to stand my grounds
but it is never easy

But when I close my eyes
and drift away
my subconsious leads the way
leaving me blindfolded
to the directions I am heading

When I open my eyes
what will I see
what will I remember
will I still be me?

© Cynni February 4th 2006


Shooting stars
shining bright till the end

The moon is out
the path I am following

I listen to the sounds of
like the whole world is sleeping

Wondering about my life
mixed up and confused

So many things to care about
how to sort them out?

Another star flashes at me
I am not gonna tell!

This night is just
like so many others

I wish I could stay here forever
about you and me

I cannot believe it has been
almost 10 years without you in my life

Missing you every day
thinking about the things we shared

You will never truly die
you will live on in me

Oh Grandma if you could see me now
I hope that I make you proud

My grandmother died while on vacation in July 1996 in Austria.
I have been to that place serveral times.
Fell in love with the peace and quietness she loved too.
I miss her every day and hope I do make her proud.

My grandma, me and my aunt (her daughter).
I was 2 years old and the picture is made during "Carnaval".
*I wished that I could stay*

I saw you and you smiled at me
I knew that you were special
different from the other ones
someone to keep an eye on

I found you when I needed you
I gave you my hands
when you needed strength
and together we made it

You were so much better than me
in oh so many ways
but you took me in your life so easily
I always wanted that to stay

You showed me I was wonderful
though I never believed
but then you showed up at my door
and I blew out your candle

From that day my life changed
in oh so many ways
I became more confident
things would never be the same

My family never believed
in my needs or wants
but then you all came up for me
and I found my new family

It was hard seeing you cry
not sure of what to do
I just took you in my arms
and showed my love for you

We had our moments
our laughs and cries
and then you started to change on me
you started to lie

It hurt me where it hurts the most
and I wished that I could stay
if I didn't love you so damn much
I knew just what to say

And after a while of being apart
you changed again, was it for me?
I still loved you in my heart
and so wanted it to be

I came to you that night
I made it some way and some how
and told you it was a long progress
but can you just be kissing me now?

We stayed in bed
what seemed like forever
when did morning come
just after the moon went down

Then I saw those bloodstains
your shirt was blue with red
I fell down on the floor
and died in your arms

I wished that I could stay
never wanted to see you cry
I was yours forever
please remember me this way

Poem is based on the characters Tara and Willow from the serie "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".
This is how it went with Tara, seen through her eyes.

Tara Maclay (Amber Benson)
scene from "The Body" (season 5, episode 16)

Just some thoughts

Sometimes you think you have it all. You are lucky, you are with the one you love and you have a job that you go to with a smile on your face every day. That is when it hits you the hard way. That is when you think you have it all and realise that something is wrong.
Your lover walkes out on you, you get fired from your job, someone you love gets very ill or dies or you find out that something is wrong with your health.
For me, it was the last one. After having a hip-surgery almost 9 years ago, I finally was back on track. We bought a nice house and were happy. I made new friends through the wonderful world called the internet. Friends and family members were getting pregnant and I got into trouble with my leg. I could not walk long distances anymore, I could not run anymore, I could not lift stuff anymore. So I had to see the doc. I had to make Xrays and I was told it was bad all over again. So I went to a surgeon and he recommended me to a specialized hospital. Ok, that sound nice. I still had more and more troubles, till I was living on painkillers. But after I got into the specialized hospital all went fast. Within 2 1/2 months I had my surgery. I knew all that could go wrong, but for me, going through it all was bad enough. Since it would mean a long revalidation, AGAIN, and a lot of pain.... But if I would not have it, it would mean that in a year, I would live with a wheelchair for the rest of my life. So the decision to have this surgery again was not too hard. Though I was terribly scared. I did not share my feelings with many people, wanted to be strong and the one who would face it as it came along, but deep inside I was this little girl screaming for her mommie.

Laying in that room
drugged, so there's no pain
no pain caused by surgery
but my heart is in vain

All alone through the night
not your loved ones at your side
they try to be there as much as they can
but I feel guilty for claiming their time

I want to do this by myself
show my strength
don't need any help
but deep inside I am crying out

What will they think of me
when I show my weakness
will they be there for me
or just let me lay there

All these thoughs
running through my head at night
I will do my best, yes dear
I will show you what I can

With that is my mind I did my best and after 8 days I could finally go home. Well, home as in living in the livingroom. My bed was there, as was all I needed. And I am lucky to say I even have my laptop with internet at my service, day and night.
So I did my best, got therapy for my leg and walking and then, 2 weeks after I got home, I got a terrible pain in my stomach. I was home alone, no one who could drive me anywhere and I had cold-warm fever rushes, making me shiver and hot at the same time. So I could make an appointment for the next morning. I felt soooo bad, I think I cried the whole afternoon.....and night. So the next morning, I had not eaten in 2 days now, and I felt sooooo bad.... They examined me and because there was nothing to see from the outside, they took me for an echo. That also hurt a lot, but got me worried into thinking I had to stay for surgery, because what I heard, did not sound good. And so my feelings were right and I had a surgery that same day. I had an abcess from aprox 7 by 3,5 cm (2 by 1 inch).
So after 7 days in the hospital, 6 on an IV with antibiotics, I could go home again.

And that is where I still am now. I am working on my recovery the best I can. I wake up a lot of mornings with backaches and sometimes sleeping is not a pleasure because of muscleaches. But I am not complaining, ok some days I am, because I know I did the right thing. And with my friends and family (the ones who do care that is) I know I will make it.

I love to write poems now and then. I am very crazy with it, since they seem to pop into my head and if I cannot write them down at once, I lose the best parts. What I am posting so far is all my own work. Please feel free to comment, even if you did not like them. I mean, hey, we're all people with different tastes, so you cannot like all you read, I understand. But do be kind to me, even if my writing is not your taste of reading.....

Have a nice day ya'all, please take care

Do what you want but hurt no one!

*We should have been forever*

It was written in the stars that we watched that night
the night where it went so well
you showed me the whole universe
and I lay smiling next to you

You showed me what it was to love
through magic and by heart
you guided me when I needed you
you were my light in the dark

You said that I made you believe
but if you could only see
that it was you who made me complete
and that we were meant to be

I am you know, yours
and I will always find you
I was with the one I loved
you made me fly while dancing

Now that you were taken away from me
and I could not bring you back
my life as I knew it changed to fast
I was mad and turned black

Revenge was all I could think about
and the ending of this earth
because when you are not here with me
there is no reason to live

Our friends will never understand
just what you meant for me
I will carry you in my heart
we should have been forever

Inspired and based on Tara and Willow from the serie "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".
This is told through Willow. She and Tara were lovers, until Tara got killed by an astray bullet.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

When the nights are lonely

When the nights are lonely,
and the rain is ticking on your windows,
when the wind is rattling the trees,
that is when I miss you most.

When the sun is shining,
and people are smiling everywhere,
when the days are full of love,
that is when I miss you most.

When snowflakes are tumbling down,
melting on my outstretched hands,
children making snow-angels,
that is when I miss you most.

When spring is in the air,
flowers blooming all around me,
trees are getting green again,
that is when I miss you most.

All those things we did together,
all the moments we enjoyed,
they can never be replaced,
they live on in my memories.

Every day I think about you,
every time a fading smile,
since it are only memories,
and you'll never be around.

November 15th 2005, Cynthia
The weight of the world
written for a dear friend

if ever you feel
the weight of the world
is taking you down
crushing hard on your heart
just turn around and here I am

give me some of the weight
and I will be there
to keep it safe and warm
and provide you
with all you ever needed

the weight of the world
lying on your heart
the weight of the world
tearing you apart

take me by the hand
I will lead you to a place
where you can just sit back
and lay the weight
away from your mind

the weight of the world
breaking your heart
the weight of the world
finish what you start

you don’t have to carry
you don’t have to worry
just be who you are
and I will be there

November 9th 2005, Cynthia

Footsteps echoing away
Further in the distance
Further in the past
Until it is history

You turn around to follow
You glance at the past
You take a peek at history
To turn around real fast

A long road ahead
Further than you can see
Longer than the horizon
There lies your future

You run fast forward
Open arms and bright smile
What will the future bring
And then you stop, just for a while

The future is like history
Fades before you know it
If you take the time to sense
You’ll experience it all

Love and hate, joy and sadness
Warm and cold, truth or lies
It is up to you to decide
Which ones you like best

November 9th 2005, Cynthia
When, where

When the mind is playing tricks
when you cannot trust what you see
when it is dark where you are going
and there is no one there but me

When all hope is drifiting
when all positive thoughts dwell
when you think you lost it all
and there is no turning back

Then the road takes you
to a level, high as a star
and you see a new beginning
from exactly where you are

Learning through the dark times
with love and support
you just have to believe
in yourself and in your friends

That is what I learnt so far
and look where I am now
taking one step further every day
never knowing the direction...

March 19th 2006, Cynthia
Lost in thoughts

The sun is shining
the birds are happy
but it's still a cold day
half down March

The candle that burnt last night
I saw it's flame die
I just kept staring
since it did not seem to matter

A friend in need
that is who I want to be
but what if there is a need
and I can not really be there

The sun is shining
it's warm behind my window
though I feel sad and cold
half down March

March 19th 2006, Cynthia
Candles and Prayers

Our minds are wondering
are wonderful
our souls connected
feelings shared

I burn a candle
look at it shine
extra flamey
a feeling of warmth

You say your prayer
you bless the ones
we care about
but I'm not religious

Candles and prayers
for those we love
for those we worry about
and for us

Dancing flames
reflected by my eyes
I stare but do not see
lost in thoughts

Hands folded
you close your eyes
lost in thoughts and prayer

Candles and prayers
that is all we can do
no mountains, oceans or borders
can separate our soul's connection

Through the dancing flames
and the talks with Him
we just want to let you know
you are not alone...

March 19th 2006, Cynthia de Ruiter

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Heya all,

I made an account, only forgot to write down my login stuff... And since I have so many places I visit, I made a new one.... *blonde girl here*

I made an account here because of the "No rest for the wicked" blog by Christopher Golden. I knew about him because of his work on several Buffy comics. And then he co-wrote a few of them with Amber Benson and then he really got my attention.
Then I watched Ghosts of Albion on the BBC site, written by Christopher and Amber, directed by Amber and I really loved it. When I heard they were writing a book on it, they surely got my attention. I was even lucky enough, for my mum was in the USA with relatives when their first book came out: Ghosts of Albion: Accursed.
I got my copy and I really love the storyline, the characters and the way it is written. I immediately wanted more. So now I am waiting for my ordered books to come in.

GoA: Astray
GoA: Initiative
The Boys are Back in Town
The Myth Hunters: book 1 of the Veil
The Ferryman

So now I wait and wait... I joined Chistopher's board and I really love it that he HIMSELF is also posting there... And then there is his blog.... ;-)

Well, that's my first pose here!

Have a nice day ya'all, love from the Netherlands!