Friday, February 26, 2010

It's been a long, long time...

Heya folks,

I know it's been a while. There are many reasons, which I am not going to share with all of you here online (if you know me and are interested, you know how to reach me). But (again) people pointed out that my blog had not been updated in ages. So here I am again and thinking about what to share today. I would like to apologize for stupid writing mistakes which may be in this text. My cellphone does not spellcheck and at times, it also misses letters that I have typed. Sometimes I catch the missing ones and other times...not. And seeing (unfortunately) English is not my main language, I will use some "easier" words more often since I can't always come up with the better, more suiting words. I hope you don't mind... Thanks!

A thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is jealousy. Everyone has some of it in them, for many and no reasons at all. And I have been thinking about me, myself and I. If I think I am jealous and if so, in what context am I jealous and how did I come to be jealous. And what goes on inside of me when I have these feelings. Jealousy makes me feel diferent emotions at the time I am experiencing it. It depends on the situation and people involved. But most of the time I feel anger and betrayal. Have I always been jealous or did something (or things) improve those feelings, these emotions?

My jealousy comes from my uncertainty. And that comes from my trouble in trusting people. And that all starts in my childhood, since I was used one time too many, or two. Now it really takes me a lot of time till I really know someone and when I feel more at ease with him/her, then I can work on trust and a deeper friendship. A friendship in which I can share my personal feelings and thoughts without having to worry that this will fall in the hands of "wrong" people. That is, people I don't know (or even don't want/need to know) or know too well. People who will judge on hearsay instead of the real "story" behind it all.

So, this all "said", I can easily say I have just a few friends who I really trust with all I am. I have many friends who do know me, but not all of me. And these friends I treasure because they are not easy to find and when you have such friends, you need to guard them with your life.
I know my "secrets" are safe with them and they won't judge me on small stuff but on the whole package.

And then there are the good friends which became even closer friends: my lovers. I know that in the heat of the moment, things can be said which are too harsh and aweful. But those things can be patched up, if both sides are willing to. But the stuff I experience with them, sexual or simple stuff that happens at home, I want to be private. As it happens in a private enviroment. Yes, my best friends will know stuff that had happened when I need to let it all out. But the ones I share it with all know my loved ones and won't use it against them (or me). The ones I share it with respect me and my lovers and know us.
I was wondering if it was silly of me to ask of them to keep our private stuff just as it is: private. And if they needed to unwind, I gave them some names of friends who I felt "safe" with.
But it all seems too hard, too difficult or too silly...

Ah well, this is all I am willing to share to give some insight into the whole jealousy thing.

I've never been too jealous till I got fooled by someone I love(d). I found out got lied to, and I found out what the real story was. It hurt. Cut deep. Tearjerker and all. Still can feel sh*t about it at times. And I guess that's my trigger for my jealousy. And it also gave a huge dent into the faith I had in the honesty of people, especially people who stand close to you.

So if I am lied to and I find out about it, I get angry and my jealousy will stick it's little head up once again. Since I want to know why I was being lied to. What made that person think I would be happier with lies instead of the truth? Why did that person think I wasn't "truth material"? And all these questions make me insecure about myself, about the relationships I have and about the person who lied to me.

I am really looking for people who'd like to discuss this all with me, here (for those who juust stumbled on this blogpost) or by e-mail (for those who know me). Since I'd like to know how others deal with stuff like this. How others would react in the same situation? What are your views on this?

Well, I am doing quite OK I just feel a it down every now and then due to "issues" like this.
Thanks for your time and maybe also thanks for your comments =)

Take care everyone, cherish the friends and people you love and care about!