Saturday, December 26, 2009


This is an e-mail I just wrote to the WDR2 (German) radio show (

Dear sir, madame,

As a great Roxette fan I was delighted to hear that you’d be airing 3 of their NOTP songs. But did the commentator do any research AT ALL before saying these things about Marie Fredriksson?

OF COURSE she hasn’t recovered completely. She had a brain tumor and this is all there is for her. The doctors gave her a chance of 5% to survive it. So all in all, she’s 95% better than the doctors had given her!

OF COURSE she isn’t jumping around on stage like she used to. Her right eye only has a 5-10% vision due to the tumor and surgery. She can’t see in 3D like “normal” people with good eyesight can. THAT’s ONE of the reasons the stage had a BIG white star: so Marie could see it when the lights were going from dark to light and back again. Ever tried to tape off one of your eyes and get on a stage…?

OF COURSE she doesn’t sound like she used to. She survived this tumor but she also has passed the age of 50… She is born on May 30th 1958, so 51 years young. As we age, your voice ages with you. But seeing that she had to learn how to write, read and speak again after the tumor surgery, I would say she did a fantastic job.

All in all: that reporter has hurt many of the Roxette fans who have stayed loyal to Per, Marie and their band while Marie was going though these hard times of recovery.

So I think it would be fair to say that she deserves FAR MORE credit than the commentator gave her.

It’s a shame he didn’t do his homework before placing his negative comments on a woman who has beaten the chances of surviving a tumor and he himself would have gotten more praise if only he had given it to the one who deserves it for 100%: Marie Fredriksson!

Thanks for the songs, next time, leave the dumb commentator out please…

With regards,

Cynthia de Ruiter

The Netherlands

I guess this says enough… If you have heard it (or after reading this) and you’d like to tell them that this is NOT done for all the fans AND Marie, EMAIL them! If they get many, many e-mails from all Magic Friends, we could make a difference for Marie… For Roxette!

Spread the word, flood the WDR2 email inbox!

Cause it all begins again where it ends… And we’re all MAGIC FRIENDS!

Merry X-mas to all!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Working on my story

Hello everyone,

lately, I've been busy with my story again. Writing, changing some things, and thinking of things that should be part of this story. I did "publish" some parts online in the beginning. But I am not going to do so anymore. If this writing is really going well and if the story comes around the way I'd like to, hope to, it might be a nice idea to be able to send it out to some publisher (if ever!).

And if I go around putting my work online, I kinds lose my "claim" to it. Or so I feel...

But if you, my dear readers, are interested in how this story is progressing, please leave me a comment here! If I already have your e-mail I could send it to you. Otherwise, please send me your e-mail addy to my personal FaceBook inbox (so it will be kept private).

I AM curious to your comments, ideas and any mistakes you've encountered while reading it...

Drop me a line, or just leave me a comment ;-) Thanks!

TTFN, Cynni xx

Friday, December 04, 2009

More NOTP Oberhausen vids

Jonas Isacsson with Alan Parsons, outtake of "Eye in the sky".
Wonderful solo by mister Isacsson!

The Katona Twins with a lovely medley of well known songs. See if you recognize them all!

Roxette with their third world wide number 1 hit: Joyride!

If you like my video's, check out my YouTube. Don't hesitate to comment ;-)

Have a nice day everyone!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

A night at the proms in Oberhausen

Yes we went to our third NOTP gig. Unfortunately, we couldn't have a meet and greet in the end (still crying deep inside about that) because all VIP stars were transported in one big bus and the driver didn't want to stop (message from Jonas on FaceBook). So that was really the only disappointment of the whole evening.

Marie went wrong with the lyrics during the second verse of "It must have been love" (she's been known to do that at times, even before the brain tumor that almost took her life). But the audience didn't care and just sang ahead so Marie could get in with us again. What a woman for not giving in! Many "outsiders" do not know that the chances Marie were given when diagnosed with the tumor were only a mere 5%. But she's a real fighter and kept hanging on for her loved ones (husband, daughter and son) and maybe even for her fans. But she's back, looking oh so fragile and vulnerable... The trouble now is, that due to the tumor, she's lost 90 to 95% of her eyesight in her right eye (please correct me if I'm wrong). That is why she's so shaky on stage: wit the darkness and flashing lights, it's hard for her to focus and see it all in "3-D". I once almost lost all my eyesight in one eye and I remember how difficult it all was back then. So that makes me even more proud to be a big fan of Marie for over half a lifetime (my lifetime that is).

One video, filmed by Joyce, is on YouTube now. Check it out!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Meeting Roxette

Original video feeds shot by Per Gessle (1st one) and by Christopher Lundquist (other 3). It’s footage from our meeting with the band members from the Swedish group: Roxette! Even though it was very, very windy and getting quite cold, Marie, Pelle and Clarence got out of the van for us! THANKS!!!

Thank you all for making this a NIGHT to REMEMBER!


Once again, thanks for this wonderful event, for a splendid meeting and for the signing of my cat... (CAP!) ;-)

A Night at the Proms


WOW what a night. Sitting at a crabby seat at the front row, barely being able to see Per and Marie perform "Wish I could fly" during the first part of the evening. But with the second part, we just stood and walked nearer to the stage (as did MANY others) and there was nothing security could do about it, except for keeping their walking route free of fans. WOW what a night! Marie was performing SO much better than she did a week before, 07-11 in Antwerp (Belgium). Per used the walkway, Marie sang a part of the famous Beatles "Hey Jude" during the Look. They extended some more and it was just fantastic to be there!
After the show, since we were parked far, far away and there was a traffic jam to get off the parking, we decided we should check where Roxette's van would depart from. With some small talk to some security guys, we were told we found the right spot to wait :)
There were only 5 of us, Eva, Joyce, myself and two German girls. Then, we saw the van and Marie was sitting in front. They came, slowly passed us by and drove on... I could not run but with Eva in the lead, the others quickly followed. The van stopped and was put in reverse! We were pumped with Roxette adrenaline and we were so high we felt we could fly... When the van came backwards, Eva had to jump aside... :)
The PA (personal assistant) opened the front door, which almost went with the wind! Marie came out to meet and greet with us for a while and we could take a picture with her. She was soooo sweet!!! When I told her that I thought her show was way better than the one last week, she rubbed my hand (since I was shaking hers to thank her) and asked if I really meant it. And yeah, she was feeling a bit better and was glad we noticed. After some hugs with Marie, she quickly went into the van (before the wind would take her far and away).
But they all gave out signatures, all but Chris who was too busy shooting YouTube viddeo's for Per and he also made some pictures of us (wonder if he could send them to me haha). So maybe we'll be on the wwwgyllenetidercom YouTube channel soon :) You never know... I'll keep checking it though, since I was standing right before Chris because I was asking Per if he had any spare guitar pics ;)
Oh I really got my new shot of Roxette drug again and I now realize HOW MUCH I missed it all these years... I am not able to attend any more shows (money and work wise). Sobs.... But I will go to Rotterdam with Joyce and meet up with Eva on Tuesday :) Let's relive the night to remember at the Proms...


Thanks for a wonderful evening.
Thanks to: Per Gessle, Marie Fredriksson, Jonas Isacsson, Pelle Alsing, Clarence Öfwerman & Christopher Lundquist, A.K.A ROXETTE!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hallowhedon pictures!


Yes, I am still alive… Even though it’s been ages since my last blog. I have been quite busy with my new job and other stuff, been ill with the Mex Flu and I just haven’t had the time or energy to blog. But, well, here I am again.

Much has happened since my last blog about dear, sweet and silly writer Anton Strout. And last I wrote before that was that we were getting ready to celebrate George’s birthday. It was Friday, October 9th, when we got together with some friends. We first hadn’t planned to celebrate George’s birthday, or only with some family. But when friends contact you and ask if they’re welcome to celebrate, we just can’t say no, can we?!? So it took some more arranging than we thought at first, but we managed. A dear friend of mine made us a very special cake for George. It was one with delicious boobs! And when George got it on Saturday morning, he was quite surprised. But he had to wait till there were more party people before he was allowed to cut the cake. It really tasted very, very good!
Since we had planned to go bowling with some friends prior to George’s birthday, but it got cancelled, we planned to go bowling with some family and friends. We also ate there. That way, I did not have to cook for everyone :)
The bowling was OK, the lanes a tad slow though, and the food was delicious. I still need to upload some pictures that were made during the evening and day. So I will try to share with you in a while. I am currently uploading some Hallowhedon pictures to my photobucket (though you might have seen them at my facebook profile…).

The weekend was a blast and a success. Thanks to all the friends and family who came and helped!

After that, I had to work and get further into it. I still had and have a lot to learn, but I will manage and I do believe I am getting better at several things (which should be so as well! otherwise, something would be wrong).

And then, Hallowhedon (you might have seen the countdown timer on my profile for a while, which is now set for Hallowhedon 2) came! Finally! I did have to work on Thursday evening, but then mum and Joyce came to pick me up from my work (I had all the bags ready before going to work) and we went to Nijmegen. We slept there and we had the first train to depart from Nijmegen towards Utrecht. There we had to skip the train and head for another one that would take us to Schiphol Airport. There we met with Yvonne and went to check in. Hallowhedon here we come!

We had to wait for a while, our plain left late… But we were in time to catch the bus that would take us to Heathrow where we had to skip to another bus that would take us to the Thistle Hotel where the event would take place.

We were very tired but all had gone well. The weekend really rocked and once I have some pictures online I will try to blog about the Hallowhedon weekend here.

There is one downside to the Hallowhedon weekend: I got the Mex flu. Got sick on Sunday afternoon and felt like shit, really bad and a fever that was almost melting me. Even when we entered Schiphol again, I got stopped and asked where I came from. Seems I had a big tomato red head. So the week after Hallowhedon, I was sick and ill and in bed.

Called on Friday that I would go to work again on Monday. Got called back on Satrurday, asked if I was sure… Yeah, I felt better so, why not? That Saturday evening, November 7th already, the three of us went to Antwerp. And when we finally got there, we almost departed a few minutes after arriving. George was pissed. And even though I understood him, I also got pissed because he was spoiling the evening. When we finally did find a parking spot,  we went to get something to eat. Just across from where the “Night of the Proms” was being held. Even though it tasted good, it was a rip off! I had to pay almost double of what I usually need to pay when ordering the exact same thing in the Netherlands. I was quite pissed at the guy and called him a thief… He also tried to keep the change, which George “saved” in time. So I wasn’t all that wrong about the dude. I mean, when you can order pizza’s with 3 different toppings for 10 euros, you won’t expect a Margarita (just the tomato sauce, cheese and some herbs) to cost the exact same thing! A total grrrrr moment!

We were supposed to go with Eva and Iwan, friends of us. But they couldn’t make it and another person would take their place. Since Joyce had the tickets, Eva had given the stupid cow my number so she could contact me IN TIME so we could set a time for a meet-up so they could take over the tickets. But that stupid cow thought it OK just to let me know I needed to be at the entrance for her when she thought she would arrive. EXCUSE ME! I don’t need anything from you, you need something from me! So why should I be your gopher??? And then, we did wait for almost 25 minutes and still, no cow… So we went to our seats and we found out cow was almost 40 minutes later than she promised us. Nope, she did not let us know and we saw like 4000 people passing in the mean time (it was sold out with 15.000 tickets!!!). And when Joyce told her it was definitely not done not to contact us sooner, she blamed Eva for telling her it was best just to call me when she got there… YEAH SURE! Eva knows me since 1994 and knows I want things settled BEFORE and not just before… I was really pissed and she reminded me a lot of Miss Piggy though… Same looks and same attitude!

HAHAHA well, this one, but a bit different :)

But all who know Miss Piggy and her attitude can quite understand why I make this comparison.

But the evening was quite fun. The music was good and it was great to see Per and Marie on stage together again (though I was lucky enough to see them from the front row in Amsterdam, May 6th 2009). I made some vids but they are from far, faaar away. Hopefully I can make some new and better vids next Saturday evening. Then Eva IS coming with Joyce and me (since we got her the ticket for her birthday) to the NOPT show in Arnhem.

Peeps, I am getting hungry! Better call George to check when he’ll be back :)

TTFN and I’ll be back everyone!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Anton Strout: writer & Mafia Wars player with a wicked mind

Hello y’all!

Today I have been chatting on FaceBook with the author of books from the Simon Canderous series: Dead to me & Deader still. The third book is still in the works and will come out February 23rd 2010: Dead Matter. I have already placed the pre-order and Anton promised to make my copy a signed one. For those of you who know me well, know that I’m really thrilled and ecstatic! I love books and especially signed ones. Makes me feel more connected when I am reading it all. I already have signed books by Amber Benson and Christopher Golden and this will be my first Anton Strout signed copy :) Whoohoo!

For more information about Anton and his books, I collected some websites for you all to check out and enjoy:

The official Anton Strout site
His official FaceBook site
His official Twitter site

I also have some links for his books on

dead_to_me_bvpz deader_still_fb dead_matter_fb_ur5s

If you enjoy reading fantasy novels, if you loved watching series like “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel” and if you like some good humor in your book: check these books out! They’re worth the read and I promise you’ll come back for more!

That’s all for now folks!

Cynni xx

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Busy weekend

Hello everyone,

I'm back with a small update. Will try to write more asap but seeing the weekend's not over yet, I am still kinda busy... But I am taking a few minutes for my own now and will try to send a small update now.

Work went ok on Thursday and Friday. It were long days and they took a lot of energy from me. I had to work from 12:30 till 21 on Thursday and from 7 till 17 on Friday. After that I had to rush home and get some stuff prepped for that evening and the following weekend. Seeing some dear friends would come over for fun, games, bowling, drinks and also for cake seeing we would celebrate George's birthday. He didn't know it but Joyce, mum and I had been planning it for some weeks now. George mever really liked to organise anything for his birthday. Last year Joyce and I got some friends together to celebrate and now we invited some family as well. So on Friday, when the friends had arrived and George (very grumpy George) had finally gone to bed, we could start decorating. Blowing up the balloons (or releasing them before tying the knot haha) and hanging the flags. We were pretty busy for some time but in the end it was really worth it.

I had already spoken with a dear friend of mine who loves to make cakes. I had transferred her the money and she made a lovely titty cake for George.

Ow my battery is dying so I gotta send this off now. TTFN and I'll be back!

Luv, Cyn

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

First two days done

Hello everyone,

It's me again. I'm home alone since Joyce is working and George is still busy at his Energy 2009 thingie. So it's only me and Chance now. And I'm watching DVD while typing this blog post on my phone.

The first two days at my new job are behind me now. It's so different from what I was used to do. But it's very interesting and I'm hoping that I will know all the names of the different sorts of bread soon. I did remember a few this morning so maybe some more again tomorrow morning. On Thursday I'l have to work the afternoon-evening shift so I can experience the closing and cleaning up of the departement. Tomorrow I'll have to get up at 6 again for another early start. But I know what I'll have to do. That is, if it's the same as it was this morning.

*Chance interruption: she puts one of her tow toys in front of me on the couch so I may throw it ahgain... So I threw it and now she almost knocks my cell phone out of my hands while returning her toy... OK back to writing again*

This morning I had to slice all the bread (with a machine) and bag and label them. I had to put bread in the big oven and also in the smaller one. And of course, I had to get the bread out and put new unbaked bread back in. I had never worked with such a big oven before so it was a bit awkward for me at first. But I got better at it after a few times. I had to put all the unbaked brwad out of the freezer and prep the carts for tomorrow. That way, everything is standing ready when we need to start tomorrow. I cleaned up after all the slicing was done, breadcrumbs everywhere. But not after I got finished. I cleaned some breadboxes which are used in the store so the customers can get their own bread as they please. Connie had already started cleaning before she went home so I finished it up. Then I had to go on reading in the information folders about the bread/cheese/meat for bread departements. When I was finished it was a quarter to three. Nathalie asked if I could help and do the 15 o'clock check for her. It was a bit difficult since I did not know where everything was but when she was finished we finished the checking together which put me a bit more at ease. Then it was time to go home again. My log card still isn't working. Hopefully it will work tomorrow.

Driving the scooter is, since I slay under it a few years ago, still a bit scary for me. When I rode this morning, there was a light rainfall and it was frakking dark. I could not use my wide beam since there were cars every now and then and I did not want to blind them. But I drove easy and it did go OK. The way back I almost had to kick a frakking stupid boy (around 14 years old I guess) of his bike. I honked that I wanted to pass him and his little buddy. And instead of giving me the space he just went on pretending it was too hard to just let me pass. Frakking schoolkids...

Ah well, since I drank about 2 liters of nice warm tea since I came bak home, I wil send of this blog post and head tor the toilet.

Sorry if some things weren't in correct English, I dunno all the correct names for the stuff I am working with. Hope I did discribe them well...

I'll keep you posted!

Ow and I am looking forward to this weekend: dining and bowling with some dear friends and family members. Wednesday the 14th I'll finally receive my new splint at the dentist. Hope this one'll work better than the NTI one... Just another week and then I'll know...

Really gotta run now so TTFN everyone!
Cynni xxx

Friday, October 02, 2009

Free week

Hello everyone,

I am writing this while waiting for my mum to get back from her therapy at the hospital. It's been quite a busy week even though I did manage to relax every now and then.

Last weekend two dear friends came to visit. We decided it'd be fun to go bowling (and ever since long before my surgery I had to quit bowling and it would be my first time on the lane again). Allthough we did fool one of our friends she needed to bring her bathingsuit haha. We fooled around till we went to the bowling alley. But first I made everyone a nice dinner in my WOK. And I myself had a microwave meal haha... The next day I would make my "famous" pastasause to be served with pasta, of course...

Ah well, the girls played some Wii Mario Racing while I was in the kitchen preparing their meal. After dinner we walked with Chance before heading out to our lane. We had one lane for 1,5 hours. It was really fun and we all had a great time. After bowling we went home, got into our PJ's and played PS3 SingStar. Even George joined in! I think he loved that he was albe to sit anywhere he pleased now that we have our wireless microphones. It's so much easier than the old wired ones... We also played a whole lot of PS3 Buzz! Games. Joyce and I had bought new batteries since the old ones were slowly dying on us. And that is very frustrating when you're in the middle of a game and your controller gives up on you...

Owww thinking about playing games with my friends.... We really should get the dancemat and Raving Rabbids out more often! It was sooooo funny....

Ow and after dinner on Saturday, my friends filled in my new "Snowwhite and the 7 dwarfs" friendshipbook. It made one of them cry with tears of laugher. It was soooo funny... What do you like to become when you grow up? Haha... We are grown up... Well... Almost...

I have watched a lot of DVDs during the week. And yesterday I have been to the dentist, yes, once again. I had to bite in wax so they could make dental impressions for the new splint I am getting (since the professor kinda killed the old one and tried to get me insane as well...). I am very bad in giving those impressions. It's hard to explain in English since I am not sure on how all the stuff is called. But any of you who has had braces or other dental work done might know the drill. They have special "spoons" that fit around your upper and lower teeth. They make a special paste that goes into that spoon. The spoon goes inside your mouth and they press it hard upon your teeth. But my problem is the paste that's too much and goes to the back of your throat. That makes me want to vomit. A whole lot! And I am told my spit-production (dunno how else to call it) is running wild when needed. So they had to do a lot of suction there as well. I kept them busy... Anyway... All the impressions and stuff came out perfect. Now I have two dates which I need to discuss at my new job on Monday. On one of these two I need to go back to the dentist for the fitting of my new splint. So when I know that on Monday, I will e-mail my dentist and it'll get settled. I will not get a NTI splint like I had before. I will get another one that will fit over my complete upper teeth. Now I'll have to wait and see...

Ah well, mum should be ready in a few minutes so I will send off this blog now.

TTFN everyone!
Cynni xx

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Second free day

Hello everyone,

here’s another update from me. Yesterday I had my first free day. Officially I had to work till October 2nd at my ex-job, but since I had many vacation days left, I now have a week off before starting the new job. I still have to contact the new job to make some arrangements. But I am planning to do that near the end of this week. First I want to relax and let it all sink in a bit.

I am currently uploading some pictures to my FaceBook account. All convention related ones. Don’t know why I haven’t done that earlier…

And something a friend mentioned on our OMWF&friends board made me think last night. She asked if the reader of that post (it was in a game section) was missing his/her friends. When I gave my answer, it was no. And she reacted that she did miss her friends and could not understand why I did not miss mine. I already answered that question and thought about it some more. I don’t have to miss my friends because I know how to contact them in many ways. I can send a  text message, chat, e-mail, make a phone call or arranging a meeting… So there’s no need to miss them in any way. Sure, some times it can be easier to talk to a friend face to face. But when your friends live all over the country (and some even all over the world) you just have to accept that it can’t always be easily done. And my friends know how they can reach me, should they need me. So when I thought about it some more, I realized that I really don’t miss my friends because I’m always connected to them in as many ways as possible.

Ah well…

Dentist appointment in the afternoon. They'll hopefully fix my splint behind my teeth. And I am also hopeful that it will help to stop the tooth aches I’ve been having ever since last week, Monday.

Well, I’m off now to tag some picca’s @ my FaceBook. Check the link on my blog to find me there if you’re interested.

TTFN, Cynni xxx

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Two more days

Hello everyone,

Here another update, made with my mobile phone, from the couch...
Today I spent at home, seeing I slept badly due to my tooth and jaw aches. I could not lay as I liked to and my head kept hurting. Ever since Monday evening I have a bad headache. I guess it's due to all the "stress" my head/jaw/teeth endured that day.
So Joyce called me in sick today. I could lay in bed a while longer which was quite comforting.
I took it easy today and in the afternoon I called my boss. I explained what had happened and he had to laugh about it. Of course this is something that could only happen to me so I understood his laughter. But I was disappointed that it had to happen to me... Stupid splint... And I gotta be back on Monday at 14.
But my boss also told me that I will only have to work two more days. Tomorrow and Friday will be my last day at the Super. So instead of 7 working days I only have 2 left. And then I have a week off. Which is very nice, so I can make some arangements with my new employer and just take it easy. Let it all sink in.

Ah well... Will watch some more DVD (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, season 7) and take it easy...some more *winks*.

I am looking forward to the upcoming weekend *big grin*.

TTFN everyone, I'll be back!
Cynni xx

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Hello boys 'n girls!

Here I am again with a mobile blog. I am all alone, excluding two sweet doggies, watching a DVD (Criminal Minds, season 2) on the couch.
Today I had a day off from work. Yesterday I had a dentist appointment which went a bit different from what I hoped and/or expected. The check-up took 1,5 hours and that was already a long time. Then they were going to fix my splint. I have one that I can use during the nights so I won't grind my teeth while sleeping. But I could shoot it off using my tongue and that's what kept happening during the night. I did not use it every night but it was nice to have it when needed. So since it was a bit too wide, it needed some fixing. The professor used some liqued wax and in the end, it became too hard and got stuck on my teeth and other splint. Since I have had braces in my mouth, I have two splints keeping my teeth secure in their place. So the external splint got stuck and wouldn't move... In the end they had to cut it in several pieces to get it off. I had plastic curls in my mouth from the cutting and it hurt my jaw and teeth. After half an hour, it was finally off. Now I feel like someone wacked me right into my face, hitting my lower teeth right on. It really hurts and now I have to get back next Monday so they can fix my splints, both of them.

Due to all that plastic I had to throw up during the evening. It also hurt when all those bits came up, caught in slime and dinner. When I wanted to get back into bed, my space had partly been taken. I was feeling hot and sick and just grabbed my pillow and went up to the attic. There I cleaned up the old sleeping couch, posted some on Facebook and played the "7 wonders" game on my PS2. After finishing level one I tried to get some sleep. I was still aggrivated and pissed at everone and myself.

I am mad about some things that may seem simple. But for me, they aren't. I do take some things too hard on myself at times, I know that. But it isn't easy for me to describe it, even if I wanted to. But I am very busy, really occupied, and I just can't seem to find some time for myself. And when ever I am home alone, like I am now, it's just too hard to use that time in the way I should.
I know I'm babbling or it seems like I'm babbling. But seeing it's my blog, I'd say I'm allowed to babble here...

Today I argued with Joyce about some stuff that had been and is still bothering me. Then we cooled off and went to my mum. Checked her laptop and then went out to buy their b-day prezzie for George. I finally knew something he'd wanted and did not buy it himself (yet). So now we have to keep him from buying it until his party. And we got Kim some prezzies, seeing she just had her b-day. I also worked on George's company website, adding some info about his new project.

I ate alone this evening, walked the doggies and fed them. I know the dishwasher needs to be emptied but I really don't feel like it. I feel tired and hurt and alone... It'll pass and fade but at this moment, it just sucks...

Ah well, will watch the DVD and maybe clean out the dishwasher ;-)

TTFN, Cyn xx

Disturbed - Stricken

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know
That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

You don’t know what your power has done to me
I wanna know if I'll heal inside
I cant go on with a holocaust about to happen
Seeing you laughing another time
You'll never know how your face has haunted me
My very soul has to bleed this time
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
Leaving me breathless the reason I know
That I am stricken and cant let you go
When the heart is cold there’s no hope and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will i run
Into the abyss will i run!

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Wont even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
Don’t wanna mention the reason I know
That I am stricken and cant let you go
When the heart is cold there’s no hope and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will i run
Into the abyss will i run!
I cant let you go!
Yes I am stricken and cant let you go!

Monday, September 07, 2009

4 more weeks

Hello everyone!

As you all know, I gave my boss my 4 weeks notice last Friday. And today we had a short but definitive talk about it. All is getting settled and I will have my last working day at the Super on October 2nd. On October 5th I will start my internship at the Jan Linders in Boxmeer. I am very excited about it all, though I have to admit it’s a bit scary as well. Seeing they put so much confidence in me and I never ever did something like I will be doing now before. Though I only know the job from what I read about it, it seems like a big responsibility. Which is good seeing I love to do the things I do with great accuracy and pride. So being responsible for stuff is something which gives me some extra will power to do what I know I can. Maybe it sounds silly or strange, but that is who I am.

The job I am doing now, I know that I can do it and very well indeed, if I might add that. But knowing I can do it doesn’t provide me with any “pride” anymore. There is no challenge in succeeding because I can do it with my eyes closed and also when my hands are tied. It was all very exciting when I started but after a while I need something new to set my teeth in. I don’t want a job in which I can predict now what I will be doing in 5 weeks time. I know there are certain things that always need to be done. But some things are fun when they are not so predictable. And the stuff I was doing once gave me a good feeling over myself. But I got only compliments of my customers, not that much from my boss. And that made me wonder… Should I stay because of them of because I want to? And when this new job offer came by (thanks to Joyce for finding it), I just went out and gave it a try. I did not even have to try hard, but just be who I am and that was more than enough for them to hire me…

I do have many mixed feelings still. Happy for my new job, sad for losing some dear colleagues and close customers, a bit scared for the new job as well. I know I am a fast learner, but still it’s a bit scary to know that I will be getting such a big responsibility! It’s like I am going from 10% to 250% within one breath of air. Hope that makes any sense…

Well, I am now waiting for my contract to be send out so I can sign it. And hopefully the last 4 weeks on the job at the Super will go OK. I want to leave my “old” work in a decent and good feeling way.

To all my friend colleagues and close customers: I WILL MISS YOU!!! Please check my blog and leave me a message… I would love to keep in touch with many of you :)

That’s all for tonight. Much love and hugs,
Cynni xxx

Sunday, September 06, 2009


I am confused... Quite confused...

As I have written here at the end of last week, I have my boss my 4 weeks (I believe it's 4 weeks) notice. I told him I was offered a new job and after much thinking and discussing it with friends and loved ones I accepted it. He was quite stunned, not that he showed it... But he only told me that he'd think about it and would come back to me about it. Since I told him that I wanted to quit just after noon, it was really a long wait when he only told me around 16:45 that he "rather not" have me quit and we'd talk about it on Monday. I was so stunned because I told him I was quitting and I accepted a new job already.

So WHY a need to think about it? Will he make me an "offer I can't refuse" now that I have told him I want out...? It's a bit too late for that I would think. So many things that have happened that counted up to me wanting to find another job. I never really felt appreciated there. I have been working till 9 days before I was scheduled to get my new hip. Yeah I worked shorter days, but I was there the best I could manage and doing my job. I was taking quite heavy medication and I was told that in that time I did not work hard enough... That I was too slow and all. And I also was told that I was a big cost to the company. Further more other (newer) collegues were offered better positions and some educational things... All things I longd for, told him that I wanted more and had the feeling I could mean more to the company. But it was always noted and never dealt with.

And now I got through 2 interviews and a test and passed them almost with glory and I accepted the job... And now he wants time to think. I guess in one way I would feel a bit honored if he offered me something in tomorrow's talk. But also offended that during the 8 years and 2 months, he dd not do anything and it could only happen because I want a new job.

So I am confused, sad and angry at the same time.
WHY am I bing told my work ain't good/fast enough and I cost too much?
WHY didn't I ever receive a promotion or something educational, which others may receive?
WHY can't he just accept that the way things are going now, I am not happy there anymore?

And last of all:
Why am I feeling almost guilty when all I am doing is thinking of my future and my best interest?

I have been sleeping very little ever since I knew they had offered me the position. I have nice co-workers, some very dear customers who surely mean a lot to me... But I don't feel appreciated and just taken for granted at times by my boss and his brother just hates me. So if I am that slow, expensive and not important enough to be offered an sort of promotion in all those years...WHY say that he'd rather not have me quitting and needing time to think about it??? Why not tell me when I have my last working day and how we will work out my standing vacation time and days and all???


So instead of having one stupid day, last Friday, in which I told him and then we could deal with it all...I have to wait till tomorrow and hopefully he will have it all sorted out by then.
Will write my notice tomorrow evening and hand it over to him on Tuesday. After many tears and talks and doubts I have made up my mind. I want that new job.. Not the old one with slight improvements after such a long time... IF he had offered ANYTHING previous to me working on getting a new job, I might not have gone for it. But now... It's too late...

And I will try to get some sleep... Hopefully... And hopefully tomorrow everything will be sorted out... In a nice and decent way, I also hope...


Sleep well my dear readers!

PS. Due to all the stress of the stuff mentioned above I had no time or energy to work on my story... Hopefully I'll be able to work on it asap.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Awake way too early…

Hello everyone,

this is an early morning blogpost. Normally, my alarm allows me to sleep till 6:20 am. But I have been awake a big part of the night and when my tummy needed a toilet brake around 5:50, I decided to get up. I am feeling quite nervous, anxious and maybe a bit scared. I know it is a normal conversation to have and it’s a risk you carry when having a company, that people may one day quit. but I am not sure if he saw this coming and in a way, I’m afraid I will hurt his feelings. I think that is what my feelings are truly about and why I am sleeping to lousy. I am afraid to disappoint my boss. Getting the feeling that I am letting him down. While it’s actually him that let me down by giving others the means of exploring themselves by giving them more responsibilities. By not allowing me some more access and involvement in daily things that are happening in the store.

So see, it wasn’t all totally useless that I have been laying awake for such a long time. I finally figured myself and my feelings out. I am scared that I will disappoint him instead of being able to be happy for myself for starting a new and more responsible job soon. Maybe I’m a bit scared too that the new job might be too much to handle for me. But I also know that I’ve got a lot of potential that isn’t being “taken advantage of” at my current position.

It’s just such a double feeling, as we say in the Netherlands. It’s like I have this big, old fashioned two-way scale in front of me and even though I have made my decision about taking the new job, I am still measuring all the odds and evens. I guess that is my insecure part deep inside of me, that’s taking over.

Ah well, I will go get dressed and feed the dogs. And be nervous… I keep telling myself that it’ll be OK. But I guess I won’t be able to believe that for myself until the day is over…



Thursday, September 03, 2009

To think that you think that… Chapter 3

the story continues… please feel free to comment, pa-leeze comment!!!
looking forward to your impressions and all…


Sandra woke up around 6 am. She slept only a few hours and it had not been very restful. But she saw it differently. She rushed to the toilet first, bat in hand, and then she rushed over to her laptop. She switched it on, waited for the software to load and typed in her password. She thought she heard some noise from her bedroom. So she grabbed the bat again and slowly walked towards the bedroom door. When she silently opened it, she thought she was losing her mind!
The window was open again, just slightly ajar, but open!
She could have sworn that she had locked and bolted it. How could anyone be able to open it up again without her noticing? How was this possible? And there it was again. That one answer that did not seem to be a real answer at all.

Magic? Magic!? There’s no such thing as magic… Is there? Is there!?

That might be the only thing that could start to explain whatever she thought she saw the previous night. And how anyone would have been able to open three locks without leaving a scratch. And also, how her window could have been opened without her noticing. She had been thinking about this all a lot during the night and she had not been able to make up any answer. There simply seemed to be no answer, not a believable one for all that counts, to the answers of how, who, why and what. What was going on here? Were the things she thought she saw and the things happening at her house connected in any way?

The thoughts came so fast that she rushed herself towards her laptop and started typing again. First, she opened a new document. To keep thoughts of yesterday and last night separated from the thoughts of this morning. Later she could cross refer them to see if some thoughts had come up more often than others. That way, she knew they had to be the most important ones that needed to be answered before they made her head go POP!

Instead of writing down more thoughts, she opened her Firefox web browser and went to the Google search site. Before proceeding any further, Sandra checked her firewall and LAN protection settings. She did not want anyone to be able to hack her and see what she was about to Google. It sounded a bit far stretched and ridiculous, even for Sandra herself, to be checking the settings. She had done so quite often, but she got the feeling, now more than ever, that someone or maybe something, was watching her. And the thing she was about to Google was also very un-Sandra. So she checked and double checked it before typing in her desired search words. But while she was rechecking, she also thought that it would not be worth a thing. She always checked her locks, also often double checked it, and they seemed to open on their own account as well when she wasn’t looking.

Still, she was going to Google it and if not now, she would never come around to do it. She typed “magic lock opening” and pressed the search button.

She found several sites that were trying to sell her special locks. Even a site where she could order lock picks in various special “key” sets. But nothing that had anything to do with real magic. As far as magic could be seen as real to anyone.

There had to be someone out there who believed enough in the magical forces that would be able to help her. To maybe answer a few questions from her impeccable long and almost unbelievable list.

So she turned back to the Google search engine for yet another search. But then she got a silly idea in her head. She switched to the Yellow Pages website and decided to try her luck there. She finally found a website that offered her some more information. Without thinking, she picked up her phone and started dialing the number that was blinking on her screen. On the third ring there came an answer. She made an appointment for the next day, Sunday afternoon. She did not want to meet the person in her apartment, so they agreed they would meet up at a local Starbucks restaurant.

After setting the date and time of the appointment in her cell phone, she went back to her thoughts file. It felt like it was only growing with many questions that would never be answered. How she hated that! She was desperate for some answers. Just a few to begin with. It would be a start. The start of something good or bad, she wasn’t quite sure about that yet. But nevertheless, it was a start of something…

She sat staring at her laptop screen for a few minutes, not even noticing that her thoughts wandered off to places she’d never been within her imagination. Normally Sandra was very much in touch with her thoughts. She was always carrying around her cell phone. Not to keep in touch with all the close friends she did not have. But this way, she always had a device with her to write down all the thoughts and sometimes ideas that would pop into her mind. And because she always could digitally write down everything she wanted, everything that had come to mind, she knew better than anyone what her usual train of thoughts was. And the last 24 hours, it really had been very off. It was like she was not herself anymore.

Normally she would at least find a couple of believable and acceptable answers to some of the questions on her display or screen. But now, she was lost at sea, trying to find a small drop of water. Looking for a needle in a haystack would be easier than finding any answers to the questions she had written down since her walk home last night. Sandra was really hoping that her appointment on Sunday would make her wiser. She would be happy if she could go home after it with one answer on her questions. She would be extremely happy with two answers. And three answers or more would blow her mind! But she did not want to get ahead of things. And with that thought, she came back to what she was doing before she started to stare at her screen.

She typed up some more things, some things she wanted to ask her appointment the next day and some more thoughts, before she encrypted the file and shut down her laptop. She did not want to go out, but inside she wasn’t sure she felt safe there either. The locks were opened after she closed them, again and again. And she still wasn’t sure if she was being followed the previous night or not. But she gathered all her strength and courage and got ready to leave the apartment. She had to get some groceries, whether she liked to get them or not. She was running out of food and drinks, and she did not want to dine out again before she found out more about what was happening to her. While Sandra was getting her groceries bag and her purse, she was doubting of locking her front door and windows would have any use. But since she had this neurotic habit, she had to do it. She could not leave the apartment knowing that the doors and windows weren’t locked. She knew there was someone, or rather something¸ that was able to open up anything anywhere if he, she or it pleased. But still, seeing not everyone was capable of doing such a thing, so it did feel safer to hold on to her habit of locking it all up.

After checking the locks once, twice and again she was sure she could leave the apartment safely to do her shopping. She almost wanted to bring along her baseball bat but she figured that was not going to be allowed when visiting stores. They would rather think that she was about to rob them instead of thinking it served as protection only. Protection against what? That, she did not know. Or know yet, she secretly hoped.

Since she did not own a car, it was too expensive for the use it would have and she preferred to do everything she could on foot. She loved to walk. Gave her the time she could use to clear her mind, or try to in a way, and it also gave her a daily dose of fresh air. As fresh as air could be in the city she lived in. But her work was close enough to work, as were the stores she used on a frequent base. She did own a bike, which was stalled in the basement of her apartment. She used it maybe once or twice a month. She also liked to ride it, seeing it gave her the exercise and fresh air which she loved. But driving a bike was a bit more dangerous than walking on the high curbs. Many drivers thought they were competing in the Indiana 500 when they would hurry to whatever place they had as destination. She almost got hit by a car the last time she was on the road. Her bike got hurt, she did not, luckily. The car hit her front wheel. Not hard, but hard enough for the wheel to have a huge dent and Sandra’s temper to raise. Fortunately, the driver was not a rude businessman with a huge hurry but a nice man who paid for a new wheel and even offered to ride her home. Since she was close to home, she declined the offer, gladly took the money and walked home afterwards.

It was three blocks to her local Delhaize store. She had a long list of stuff she needed to buy. Of course, this list was saved on her cell phone. She kept checking if anyone was following her but she felt like that was not the case. She was just glad that she did not have to go past the place where she saw it happen last night. Yes, yes, or she thought she had seen something happen. That idea and thought was still nagging in her mind.

She felt almost 100% sure that she wasn’t followed when she entered the store. She got a shopping kart and grabbed her cell phone. When she flipped it open, she saw that she had an incoming file being transferred in through her Bluetooth connection. That was weird! She didn’t have that connection open and if and when she used it, she always used an eight numbered code to protect the file transfer. She saw that the senders phone, or maybe PC, had no ID. No name, no number, nothing that could tell her who the mysterious sender was. She decided to let the transfer finish and she would check the file that was transferred when she got home again. That way she could check the file for any virus or Trojan horse or any other hacking and cracking device that could be embedded in the file she just received. When her phone told her the file was well received, she saw that the connection was disconnected and her Bluetooth immediately switched itself off. Sandra was now in doubt whether to switch of the phone or leave it on. She left it on, not giving the new file a chance to do anything weird with her phone while was booting. But she did put it away and just got her groceries from the top of her mind. Not using the applications was the safest options she could think of.

She believed the kart was full enough when she proceeded to check out. While she was waiting in the line, someone she knew came walking up to her. Or, as it turned out to be, walked up to stand behind her in line. The lady did not notice she was standing behind Sandra until Sandra had enough courage to turn around and say hello.

“Hello Lilly, how are you doing?”. Yes, it was Lilly from work, the woman she thought she might have feelings for. Lilly looked up, surprised at first, before responding to Sandra. “I’m doing quite OK Sandra. I did not know you did your shopping here.” “I’ve been coming here for almost two years, it’s only a three block’s walk from my apartment.” Lilly gave Sandra a puzzled look. “We’ve been working together for almost that same amount of time and you never told me you live so close to me?”

Sandra felt a blush coming up and couldn’t think of a fast answer. Not one she felt comfortable with anyway. But before she could respond, Lilly interrupted her thoughts.

“The line is moving Sandra. You wouldn’t want to stall it, would you?” Lilly giggled when she said that, and Sandra could feel her temperature rise. She moved forward, just three people in front of her now. She longed for some time with Lilly. It was nice to have someone to talk with and to get her mind of the frequent thoughts she’d been having. Maybe she could invite Lilly for a cup of tea at her place. Or would that be too much and too fast? What the heck! After all the strange things that had been happening she felt she deserved a change. A good change. So when the line moved up once again, Sandra turned around to invite Lilly. But Lilly had gone. She wasn’t standing behind Sandra anymore.

Sandra felt sad that she did not notice Lilly going away. And that she didn’t get the chance to invite her over. She moved up again, paid for her grocery items and she was still busy packing them into her bag when she heard a familiar voice.

Lilly stood beside her. “Sorry that I left like I did. I saw a shorter line and it was a good decision to change. But I should have told you before setting off.” “Oh it’s OK, I was just wondering where you were when I turned around. But, what I wanted to ask you, are you busy this afternoon?” Lilly looked like she was thinking it over before she answered. “Well, besides from getting my groceries home safely, I was planning on sitting on the couch with a good book. Why, got any better plans?” Sandra laughed nervously before finally getting to her point. “Well, if you are interested, I wanted to ask you over to my place for a nice cup of tea. It would be nice to get to know you a bit better.”

There, she had said it. Straight out and forward. Message delivered.

Lilly welcomed the invite. She asked for Sandra’s address, so she could go home first, put away her groceries and fresh up before visiting Sandra. On her way home, Sandra felt like she was flying instead of walking. All the troubles that she had seemed to fade away. Of course, they were still alive and kicking as well. But now, it didn’t seem so bad. Before the evening would be over, the troubles would be back. OK, they had never left but just seemed less present. Sandra didn’t care! Lilly was coming over…

to be continued…

The hardest thing...

Hello everyone,

tomorrow will be the day when I have to go and talk to my boss. I have to tell him that I will be leaving his company after working there for 8 years ans 2 months. I've been offered a new job at another supermarket chain and I have accepted. I have talked a lot about it with friends and family and I do like the place I am working now. But it will get me no where. I am doing the same things I have been doing for over 6 years now and I think I can accomplish just a bit more than that.
On several occasions I have informed my boss about it. But nothing has been done with it.

I love to work with my co-workers. We have fun and we know we can count on each other. I have many good contacts with several customers and I will really, really miss that all. I will miss catching up with everyone, watching kids grow up and doing what I know I can. But I would like to see myself doing just a wee bit more than that when I look at myself in something like 10 years or so. That is why I took the offer. With this supermarket chain I can get more opportunities to grow and develop myself, sort to speak.

But it still freaks me out knowing I have to deliver my boss this news tomorrow. I feel like I am going to do something really, really bad. But all I am doing is choosing for myself and to start a new career. I know I am an @$$ complaining that I got offered a more advanced job... But I just wish I had gotten this chance at my present company. So I would not have to say goodbye to all of my co-workers and friends. It truly makes me sad to think about having to miss them all... And it freaks me out knowing I will be the newby at my new job. Doing something I have never done before and really hoping I will be able to do it all. Though it really feels good knowing that people think me capable of stuff that I have never been allowed to do before at my present job...

So all in all, it is hard in many ways. I hope my boss will understand and be nice/reasonable/good about it. I have not been able to sleep OK in the last week, laying awake thinking about all the scenarios and everything that can go wrong. I even picture me crying...

Ah well... Please everyone, keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow... I will be back about this topic for sure...

Nervous huggies,
Cynni xx

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Another old poem

Writing your life

Writing is, as writing goes
Just one of many artistic flows
One that almost everyone knows

It isn’t easy, it never is
To give your words some extra bliss
But a feeling is not hard to miss

Everyone feels, I am sure
Painful feelings search for a cure
It’s love we can always endure

Memories lead you, to many ways
You write a journal about your days
It’s nice to find a way through this maze

Words misguide, once in a while
Some chosen poorly, some make you smile
Words always exist even in denial

That makes it hard, writing and all
It leads to high ways or a fall
No matter what, I stand tall

Follow the words, your heart gives in
Dare to cry it isn't a sin
Be brave and just begin…

Following the words that will write your story in the end.

©ynni, November 28th 2008

Monday, August 31, 2009

To think that you think that…

Cynni, the storyteller… continues!

If you liked my first chapter, please read this blog. It contains chapter number:


She always was a loner. For twenty-five years she’d always had so manage on her own. Her mum did the best she could, but she has died when her daughter was just five years old. The father tried to take care of his daughter, but in his own way. He was too bummed after his wife died to to anything besides getting drunk. He lost his wife and he felt like he lost his life instead. That he still had a daughter did not mean that much to him. After almost a year of drinking heavily he found out that life had to go on. But his way of going on, was checking himself out. He bought a shotgun and ended his life in a brutal way.

His daughter had been beaten a lot, every time he felt like it, and she did her best to cover up all the bruises. At age six, she was almost independent. She tried to take care of her dad the best she could, the best any five going on six year old could do. She never really had the time to grieve for her mother and she did not know how to do so. There were no other relatives that she could turn to. And at school the teachers knew that her dad was a drunk, but because she still got good grades, no one ever did anything to help her with her home situation. Until they got a call, informing the head principal that her dad has taken his own life, with her present in the room.

Sandra was taken in by a not too distant relative who cared enough for the troubled child to take her in. It was a great surprise to her, since she could not remember ever meeting this woman. She told Sandra that she was the widow of her dad’s brother. Maybe that was the reason why she felt just a little connection between her and the young girl. They both had lost someone they loved and cared about. Sandra would always call her auntie, never mum. Her aunt did not mind it and did her best to give Sandra some love and a lot of care. But due to all the distress that Sandra had experienced throughout her short time on earth, it was hard to connect with the little girl. She tried, they even followed some therapy sessions. These sessions helped a bit, but Sandra would never be truly able to trust anyone.

At the age of nineteen, Sandra also lost her aunt. She was driving home after work and got hit by a drunk truck driver. She died on the way to the hospital. Sandra was quite pleased when she heard that the truck driver would spend some years in jail, but it would and could not soften the grieve she was experiencing. Nineteen years young and already three people she had known and loved died in gruesome ways.

Sandra quit university, she could not concentrate anymore and at the time, it wasn’t interesting to her anymore as well. She found a job, got better at it and she rented an apartment. She was finally getting her life back, or her new life was finally shaping up. Anyway you wanted to see it, things were improving. She built up some trust in some of her co-workers and she got better at what she did. At the age of twenty-three she got a good promotion and was able to buy the apartment she was still living in.
She still did not have many friends, just one or two she thought she could trust enough to call it a friend. But they weren’t close enough for Sandra to talk with them about what she had seen. Or thought she had seen.

Romantic relationships were also very unknown to her. She thought that she did have a crush on someone, maybe she would even call it more if she dared herself to do so, but she could not really place the feelings she had. She loved to be around her, to hear her talk, to see her walk, just to be close to her. But she wasn’t really sure if it was love or a craving for a close friendship. And she also was very unsure about having feelings for a woman. Was she really gay or maybe bi-sexual? There have been one or two men that she thought she had feelings for in the past. But since her feelings were never answered and she never dared to take any risk by making contact with that person herself, she would never know what the feelings meant exactly.

Though all in all, Sandra wasn’t ugly. She had, what most people call, a nice figure and a lovely smile. She had, also what most people call, an average height and weight, so really she wasn’t bad on the eye. But because she wasn’t able to trust people, she was also very shy and withholding. One day, she promised herself, she would find out what having a relationship, friendly or even romantic, meant. But at the age of twenty-five, many days had passed since she made that promise.

At work there was that girl, or young woman rather, that she liked a whole lot. Even though the liking was only based on a daily hello and goodbye. That was all Sandra managed to say without going into a shy stutter or her face turning into a tomato colored feature. Maybe, after all that had happened the previous evening and night, she would step up to Lilly, that was her co-workers name, after the weekend. Seeing it now was Friday going on Saturday, she had a whole weekend to figure out what her next step might be. Maybe it would work out. But what was the definition of those works “work out”? So many questions that needed solid answers. So many things to make a young woman so insecure about herself.

All things considered, Sandra never had an easy life. Dealing with her mother’s death at a young age was already hard enough for her. She never really knew what had happened to cause her mother to die. This was also a question that she had asked both her father and her aunt but never got an honest answer to. She wanted to find out so badly, but also grew weary just thinking of what the answer might be, if she ever found it.
And then the abuse, neglect and seeing her father pop the gun against his head. She was in that room and saw it all. It was still haunting her during the nights. As said before, she did not believe in nightmares. But to others, they would really call those dreams freaking bad nightmares for sure. She never understood why her father saw no other way to live on and only the ugly way out. That was also a reason why it was so hard to find out what the reason could be of her mother’s death. For some years she truly believed her dad had something to do with it. Why else would her aunt, teachers and counselor never honestly answer that one simple question: “What caused my mother’s death?'”
Even though she loved her aunt a lot and really was grateful that she took her in after her father committed that “unnecessary” suicide, she had always missed her real mother and of course her father. Her aunt did show that she loved Sandra and also cared about her. But she could not help but feel that there was a great distance between the two of them. Sandra had known that this was partially her own fault, closing herself off to the rest of the world. Not being able to put trust in their relationship for such a long time. And again, she lost someone she cared about in a gruesome way.
No, Sandra never had it easy when you know all this.

But then, Sandra never told many people about her background. She felt ashamed to tell people that she was an orphan and that the closest thing she had to a parent had also died. Why she felt like this, I guess no one could understand. When you come to think about it, knowing this about Sandra makes it a lot easier to understand her. To appreciate her and to see who she really is. But no, Sandra wanted nothing like that. She felt like people only wanted to be friendly to her because they felt sorry for her. No, if people wanted to be friendly, it had to be because they cared for her and not her situation.

Sandra was a complicated young lady. But she had potential to grow. If only she dared to believe in herself.


This was the second chapter of "To think that you think that...". Please don't hesitate to point me to any errors you find. Suggestions and ideas are also welcome. Just place a comment if you like and be sure that I will read it!

TTFN, Cynni xx

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Cynni, the storyteller…

Every once in a while, I get the urge to just sit down and type. To write a story or poem. Or to get rid of some strange thoughts that just don’t seem willingly to leave my mind anything else but preoccupied. To write out some thoughts, feelings, things that bug or annoy me, things that I can’t seem to comprehend without writing them down. And well, at times I tend to write a story that also combines some thoughts or just what comes up in that silly head of mine. Why I am telling you this all? Because I just feel like writing something, it is my blog of course… But this is something that I normally don’t blog about. Normally I write more about how my day was, what I did and am planning to do. That kind of stuff. Not the stuff you may be reading, if you read on, in a few minutes. The thing is that I really do not know what I will be able to publish in the end. I just well, go with the flow as some would call it. So grab a cup of tea, coffee or anything else you prefer, sit back and read on. If you’re still interested. Or maybe I should write: read on, if you dare :)

To think that you think that...


It was a cold summer night. The air was so chilly, one would think it was half past autumn. She was walking so fast that it felt like the cold wind was making cuts across her cheeks. Maybe it was only the cold, maybe it got worse due to the tears running down from her eyes. She couldn’t really care, all she wanted to do was get home. Get away from what she saw, or what she thought she saw, what she believed she saw or maybe what she wanted to see. Wanted might have been the wrong word to use, but her mind was running almost faster than her legs and it all was very unreal. How could it be real? How could it be?
She almost was home when she heard footsteps behind her. Was someone following her? No it couldn’t be. She would have heard those footsteps earlier. Was it just a coincidence? After tonight, she would probably never believe in anything being a coincidence ever again. So that would have to be a second “No” to her own questions. But there were so many questions that were in search for answers. Though she wasn’t sure she’d be able to answer all those questions herself. While thinking of someone who’d be able to help her, she almost forgot those footsteps that she heard just before. When she got her focus back on it, the sound was gone. So maybe it was a coincidence after all. Maybe she was imagining stuff now. Though seeing what she saw this evening, even if she just thought seeing it, could and would drive anyone crazy. Or so she thought while finally reaching her flat building. She looked around her shoulders just one more time, to be absolutely sure that no one was following her, and she quickly unlocked the main front door. She made sure the door was locked again before she followed the stairs to her floor.
There were four floors in her building, she was on the top one. She believed it would be safer. Why, she never really was sure about that. She thought it would make burglars think twice before trying to empty her apartment. But at other times, when she was reading some news bulletin on a website about people getting killed in their own homes during fires, she wondered what she was more afraid of. Burning to death or being robbed. She’d like to think a lot. Think things over and over until she was satisfied. Or till she thought she was satisfied. She could be very sure about herself and convince just about anyone that she was in fact sure, but still be extremely in doubts in her mind.

But when she finally reached her flat, she saw the door was ajar. She had 3 locks on it, so someone really had done a swell job cracking all of those. But shouldn’t her neighbors have heard anything while that person, or maybe persons, was working that hard on opening her door? They were complaining often enough when she was listening to her music or watching a movie with the surround system on. So how could anyone miss the noise this must have made? Should she call the police or just move slowly towards her door and see what was going on? Thoughts were still racing through her mind of what had happened what seemed like a nano second ago. And now she had to work this out as well. Her mind was making over hours this way and she could not bill them to anyone but herself.
She decided to slowly move towards the entrance. She examined the locks to finally notice that they didn’t have a scratch on them. They were all open without her being able to find any marks on them. No sign of forced entry as they would call it in any cop show you’d see on TV. She stayed in the doorway while she called out. Once, twice, three times in total. If someone was inside, he or she was extremely good at keeping still.
Then she finally decided that she did not forget to lock the door, let along to forget all three of the locks, so she flipped out her cell phone from her pocket and started typing in the central alarm number. She told the operator what her situation was and they’d dispatched one patrol unit to come and check it out. She was told to stay where she was until the policemen were at the scene. While she waited, she felt like she was really going crazy. Those thoughts, all those ideas that kept screaming for any attention, all those questions that wanted to be answered asap.
Since she still had her phone in her hand, she decided to use it wisely once more. She opened up the QWERTY keypad and initiated the Word Mobile® software. She typed slowly, trying to give all her thoughts the best description so she’d be able to sort them out at a later time. And even though she rethought about each and every letter she typed, deep within her she wanted to race her fingers over that damn keyboard. Even if it helped just a little bit to comprehend it all, or just a teeny weenie winey bit, she’d be eternally grateful. Because there was just so much that she could take in one night. And that much was already achieved on the way home. This was getting too much, even for her, to handle within a few hours. It would be too much for anyone, she thought, though this was not one of the thoughts she noted down on her phone.

She was so busy arranging her thoughts that she did not even hear the cops climbing up the stairs towards her apartment. There were two of them and they gave her quite a startle. Not because the looked freaky or anything but more because of her preoccupation with her thoughts and cell phone.
“Excuse me, miss. We got a call that your apartment was burglarized.” She quickly saved the document before putting away her phone. Then she looked at the two cops, a male and female one, before answering them. “Good evening. Could you please show me some ID’s first before we proceed?”
The cops grabbed their wallets and flashed out their Metro Police identifications and nodded politely while doing so. After she had checked them, she knew that the female was called Janie Peterson and the male Jack Jones. For some reason she thought it important to remember their names. While she was mentally making a note of those names, making sure she’d remember them when they left so she could write them down, the male cop was talking to her.
”Miss? Could you please answer our previous question now? You reported a burglary?” She shook her head, also to clear some her thoughts, and then slowly answered the question. “No I only called because I have three locks on my door, which I am sure I locked before leaving. When I came home, the door was ajar without any scratch on the locks or doorframe. So I called it in before proceeding. I did not want to disturb anyone or maybe destroy any evidence if there is any inside of the house.” “Why would you think there’s any evidence, miss?” “Well, if someone went through all the trouble of opening three locks as quiet and clean as possible, I would not think it was just for the fun of it. Why go to the trouble if you don’t want to get inside?” The cops made some notes and exchanged some looks before putting on some gloves.
”Ha!”, she thought. If the cops were using gloves, they too think something could be wrong.Why else go to the trouble of putting on those latex gloves if you think nothing’s wrong? All the thoughts she just got rid of by writing them down were made complete again with all the new thoughts that came running into her mind while she was talking with those two cops. And in between it all, she kept repeating: Jack Jones and Janie Peterson, Jack Jones and Janie Peterson…

Mister Jones grabbed out his flashlight and Miss Peterson followed her partners lead. He slowly pushed the door open, while announcing himself to anyone that might be inside. With his flashlight he scanned the room. When he thought it was safe, he searched for the light switch which was near the entrance. The cops were still outside, scanning the room again now the lights were on. Jones took a small step inside while Peterson started to screen the locks and doorframe. Jones and Peterson made some notes without saying anything. This was quite confusing seeing she was wondering so much what was really going on. Was she allowed to follow inside or should she remain in the doorway?
At that moment, Jones turned around and came back to her. “If you could please follow me, miss. To see is anything is missing or put back in a wrong way.” Peterson signed for her partner to come closer to the locks. “Miss, are you sure that you locked the door?” “I just told you that I an very sure that I did indeed lock it, all three of them.” What was wrong with these people? Had they not been listening to her the first time?
“Sorry to ask you again miss, but it seems that these locks were unlocked when the door was opened. There is really no sign of forced entree, one way or another.” She started to get quite annoyed, because the way that Peterson told her this, the tone almost suggested she was talking to a freaking 4-year old. Not to an adult who certainly and surely knows how to lock a door. “Miss Peterson, I am absolutely sure that I did lock all three of the locks before leaving. I always check and double check, because I am far too attached to my possessions to leave them behind an unlocked door. Not because they are extremely valuable money’s worth, but they are valuable to me personally.”
“First of all, it’s Mrs. Peterson to be exactly.” The way she had said that, there had to be a second of all. Peterson exchanged a concerned look with her partner before proceeding. But instead of Peterson continuing it, it was Jones who came up with the second of all.
”Second of all, there seems to be nothing wrong with your apartment. Besides from being it one of the neatest crime scenes I’ve ever seen. That is, if it would be a crime scene. I am sorry to say miss, but it seems there is nothing wrong here. We will make a note of it all, but there is nothing more we can do here.”
She looked at the cops, thinking a whole lot of things, some not too nice, and then nodded in agreement. She did not agree though, but she just felt there was no way to make anything work between her and the two of them. So she thanked them, even though they did not really do anything to help, it did seem the polite thing to do. They nodded and wished her a pleasant night and went off.

She went inside and bolted the door from there. There were many more thoughts that needed to be sorted out. And quickly before her head would explode. It felt like it was all filled up with C4 explosives, ready to press the button that would make it go “KABOOM!”.
She turned on her laptop and transferred her Word document from her cell phone to the laptop using a Bluetooth connection. She had connected them using a secure code, so no one would be able to hack into it. She always had been cautious about many things. That’s how she was sure that she did not forget to lock the door.

She had many quirky habits that some would even describe as neurotic. As a kid, she felt so insecure about herself. She was always the laugh of the class, the joke of the day and the one who was being singled out. All those things made her so insecure about everything about her that she got some habits she could feel secure about. But there was always the nagging in the back of her head: her consciousness telling her to be careful. Be careful or someone might get to you. Might be able to touch you in a way that would make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe even hurt you. So always be cautious about many things, almost everything, if possible.
It was also the reason why she did not have many friends. She felt like she wasn’t made out of the right material to be able to form a equivalent friendship. And it was very hard for her to be able to trust someone, anyone. She had been pestered all her childhood life and that surely had left it’s marks and scars.

When she transferred the file, she opened it on her laptop. But she still did not feel safe within her own place. That cop Jones only looked around the living room. Which seemed strange, because in all the police shows she’d been watching on TV, they always check the entire apartment. Not a glance around the living room. But also a look inside the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen and all other rooms that a house might have. It felt unnatural for a cop to leave a scene so quickly, for nor being thoroughly in their research. It also felt like they did not want to be there, like they felt awkward for even having to set foot in her place.
Before she felt secure enough to continue on her “thoughts file”, she wanted to check our her place by herself first. She grabbed a baseball bat. She had bought it because living alone for a woman in a big city can feel threatening at times. Especially when you are insecure about yourself to begin with. She kicked off her shoes under her laptop table before continuing her research. This way she could walk almost soundless around her apartment. She had it all carpeted so she just thought it best to continue bare footed.
She slowly walked towards her bedroom. She felt cold air when she slowly opened the door. Since she always locked the windows before leaving the house, it was strange to feel cold are rushing towards her. Her heart skipped a beat and the adrenaline rushed like a madman through her body. She quickly used the light switch and saw that the window was, like her front door, left ajar. So someone must have been in there and left through her bedroom window! Or someone wanted her to think that.
She felt like she should call the police again, but she also felt like it would be of no use, no use at all. They did not take her seriously the first time, so why should they if she called them in again? No, she had to figure this out by herself. She went inside the room, only to see that nothing was missing, misplaced or anything at all. It all was there just as she left it, besides from the window. She thought of fingerprints and how she would be able to check them. But what good would it do? The person, or maybe persons, did such a good job on opening three locks without any scratches. They would not be stupid enough to leave any prints. So she went to the window, closed it and bolted it, just to be sure, again.

After the check on her bedroom, she found all other rooms to be left just as she had earlier that day. So feeling a bit more secure than before, she went back to her laptop. It was already showing a nice screensaver with some lovely holiday pictures she had made. She kept the bat close to her as she sat down and started typing once again. She raced over those keys and the document grew rapidly. She never knew she could contain so many different thoughts inside of her head.
Before she knew it, it was almost 3 am. She did not feel tired, not at all. The adrenaline inside of her kept her going like a steam engine on fire and besides, she was too scared to go into her bedroom and close her eyes.
She slowly checked the list of thoughts, rearranging them into smaller lists. The important thoughts that needed to be answered asap and the less important ones. The thoughts that had anything to do with the break in and also with what she’d seen earlier that night. How could she ever describe what she had seen? Was there a way to put it to words? But how could she put something to words if she wasn’t even sure if it really happened. If she saw something real or if her imagination was playing games with her from the start. But even if she could put it to words, who would want to read or hear them? And if she could find someone willing to listen or read, what would that person do after it’s all been read or told? She already saw herself being shoved into a white straight jacket and shipped off, straight to the nearest mental hospital.
But maybe she would try to put it to words, just for herself. So she could read and reread what had happened. Or at least she thought what happened. How could you ever believe something that looked like magic when you don’t really believe in it? Magic hocus pocus always was like a myth to her, one she didn’t ever think possible. She had watched a lot of episodes at the Discovery Channel “Mythbusters” series on TV. She had seen many myths gone busted, so why not bust the myth of magic herself? She did not need Jamie and Adam with their myth busting team to convince her about this all.

Magic? Magic!?

Was there really such a thing? She thought it might be better to sleep for a while. On the couch though, with her bat ready when needed. After encrypting her word documents and shutting down the laptop and cell phone, she checked, double checked and again rechecked all the locks of the doors and windows. When she was absolutely sure that there was nothing unlocked, she got a small blanket and a pillow and lay herself down on the couch. Sleep caught her almost immediately. But instead of getting some well deserved rest she got some very weird dreams. Some would call it nightmares, but not her. She did not believe in nightmares. To her, everything that she dreamt about had a deeper meaning. And the more important it was, the better she would remember it when she woke up.


If you liked it, please let me know and write a comment! I am looking forward to your suggestions and ideas and also, of course, to your honest opinions! I am just going with the flow, writing this from scratch… But it will be continued, so keep checking my blog for any story updates!

An old poem

I had posted this poem on my previous blog. I also have some poems posted on my website. Please follow these two links if you are interested in reading more of my poems:
Cynni’s poems, page 1
Cynni’s poems, page 2

But here is one poem that is not on my website.

Silence in my scream
I scream but it seems that I am alone
I cry and I get chilled to the bone
I scream again but I hear nothing
it’s like my voice isn’t working

The silence that surrounds me
The darkness that makes it impossible to see
The coldness that makes me feel so small
I want to get away from it all

So I scream again and there it is
Silence, it’s my voice that I miss
No one seems to hear me call
In the darkness I seem to fall

Then the silence embraces me
It shows me things I thought could never be
The screams I’ve made all fade away
But now, I think I’d like to stay

The silence that was in my scream
Was in the end only a bad dream
But it made me think again
That I am lucky with all my friends

© Cynni, November 13th 2008