This is an un-official video, but the editing is just SO good that I wanted to share it with you on my blog.
First I’d like to thank my dear blog readers (& commenter's) on their sweet comments. I am still feeling unsure about what to do. And the silly thing is, that I really expected someone to comment like: you are insane if you are not going on vacation… But they is just the opposite off it all. And that makes me wonder… Even more than I already was wondering.I really do wish to go and I think I really deserve it (and yeah, I’ve paid for it already as well) but on the other hand, I am scared that my mood will f*ck up the holiday spirit for George and Joyce. I am afraid that because of my low self esteem lately, I will feel bad and because of that ruin there well earned days of sun, sea and delicious drinks. I am still in doubt and it feels weird. Even though I really wish to go, I also am afraid to go and mess things up. I know I am repeating myself but it is the thing that keeps my thoughts occupied these days, hours and minutes. I wish to have fun and relax and enjoy myself. I wish to feel better about myself again.
But the thing is: today I had my last physic therapy and I already told my boss (and wrote a note) in May. And soon I will have a day off before my vacation will start, to arrange everything and all. And today, he planned me the whole day and that extra day was planned in as well. I am not sure if he did it on purpose or not, but it did make me feel bad again. Like he’s teasing me, testing me how far I am willing to undergo and take it. As stated before, if he wants me off, he has to fire me… This is just one thing that makes me feel oh so insecure about myself. Makes me wonder if the work I do is appreciated and worthy. I know I do not earn as much as Joyce and I will never be able to earn as much as George. And I was used to the idea of him making more money and all, but the idea that someone 7 years younger with lesser experience earns the same (or even more) as I do now… It also adds to the wondering on how worthy I am. Seeing in the end of this month, I will work at my current location for 8 years already. And I know I have been absent for several whiles, but when I felt up to it, I always went to work. I even worked half days till about a week before my last surgery. And still I am told that I cost the company a lot of money… Other people would have called in sick 100% a long time before I have and I did my best. And I was also told that the last few weeks before that surgery, I was working “less fast” than was wanted. Yeah well, working on “tramadol” (painkillers) is still hard work, even if you don’t feel your pains and aches 100%… When I got that comment, I really had to hold back my tears, seeing I gave all I could when I could and still it clearly wasn’t enough.
So all that together, and with an extra added bad night’s rest (due to discomfort/muscle aches and nightmares) and a really low self image to begin with… Really made me feel like I did not matter. Like I just have to live to work and not work to be able to live. And when I had some time off from work, I would often spend it helping out George or Joyce (or both) with house chores. So no rest for my body as well. But if I would not help them, I would feel like I let them do all the hard work and I really want to do my part as well.
So now I am still in doubt about many things. Even though I have to admit I was really happy and excited when Steve opened up his prezzie during the voice chat with us and some dear other friends.
FINALLY I am able to post these pictures on my blog!!!
This surely made me very happy, but it also felt surreal. I am not sure if I can explain it, but I knew it would make Steve a very happy birthday boy *winks* and still I wished I would have been able to see his surprised expressions when he would pick the shirt out of the box and find out that it’s signed… And it was quite hard NOT to mention this “signing event” on my blog or board, because if he would real it anywhere, it would definitely spoil the surprise. Ah well, I am totally *yay* that it arrived safely and will now be framed as well *smiles*.
Usually, my working hours on Tuesday used to be from 8 till 17. Recently, as in the last 3 weeks, my boss has called me every Monday afternoon (at work or at home) to tell me that I have to start at 7:30.. *yay*… As said, I usually did not mind to work, but with all the real appreciation that has been shown, I really have to drag myself out of bed…
And now I am becoming so tired that I make errors in every 5 words I try to write, so I will upload this post and then get ready for a painful massage and then to go to bed.
TTFN,
Cynni
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5 comments:
Hey sweety,
Just "speaking" my mind now: just go on vacation with us dumb ass, you deserve it much more than any of us!!!!!
I wanted to tell you this before but my other thought was to understand your feelings and support you, even when I do not agree with it.
Talking about your boss. I hope he is not doing this on purpose. Yes the costs he has are higher but the work you do is good, great even (I think) and I think he cannot be a good boss when he does not see how good your work is. Yes he is having a hard time because of his wife but even then he can not forget the things he promise to his employees.
Just get your stuff together again and go on vacation with us and when you want some time alone to think or write of just to be alone. tell us and we will let you alone for a while so you can do your thing.
I love you sweety and I will do everything to make you happy again!!!
Joyce
I am not going to make a comment on the holiday decision because I think that is a decision you have to make by yourself.
As for work, honey your boss obviously doesnt appreciate the work your doing, so get the hell out of there!!!
Ok easier said than done i know but you could start looking for a job now and in the meantime do your best to get him to fire you!!! Any annoying people that you have to deal with be as rude and obnoxious to them as they are to you! only be nice to the nice people, stop letting him pressure you into doing more hours than you have agreed to. Start saying no to him! Do you have a contract which states your hours? If so he cannot do anything about it if you refuse to do more than is contracted, and if he tries you can sue the pants off him... or sue him for a lot of money, whichever :D
This next bit i am basing on our laws/practices so it might be different where you are.
I think you should ask your doctor to sign you off work for a few weeks due to stress and depression. As far as i know over here if you have a doctors certificate for the absense the employer isn't allowed to fire you and still has to pay Statutory Sick Pay minimum. Obviously it might be different where you are but it might give you the break from work you need and help you feel better about things. plus it would give you the time alone you need and then you could go on your holiday with out so many thoughts hanging around in your head.
i hope it all works out *hugs*
Thanks girls for the comments. *hugs*
But it's all easier said than done, that's for sure. I will keep it all in mind as I will get ready now for another day of work, yay... *sighs*
Hey Cynni bunny!
Now I wanted to make this real long comment about the going on vacation stuff and then I read Joyce´s comment which totally undermines what I thought. But I´ll say a few words anyway. These are just some thoughts, in the end you´ll have to make the decesion...
from what I read you´re thinking about what´s going to happen if you´d come along. You think your mood swings might spoil the fun for everyone. But I haven´t read anything so far about you trying to see the situation from another angle, too. What happened if you wouldn´t go? I mean in terms of spoiling the fun for all of you. Wouldn´t you be sitting at home and asking yourself the question: "I wonder what they´re doing now?" Sun and beach and all. You´d feel like you´re missing something, wouldn´t you? Plus, you´d put them in an awkward position because they´d feel bad about going without you and wouldn´t be able to enjoy the vacation as much. (Though I´m aware of the fact that you have to think about yourself now!)
Furthermore, I believe that in situations like the one you´re in now, one has to get away from home and the every other day life if one has the chance in order to "free ones mind". And you HAVE the chance.
To my mind, the best idea would be to just go on vacation but also make sure to have your me-time there as well. Go to the beach alone some time, spend one or two days without the others. Stay at the hotel room for a day if you feel like it... That way you could get away from everything, have your me-time and still have a fun vacation with the others. And Joyce even offered to leave you alone if you feel like it. I mean, come to think of it, you´re staying at home and your boss gets to know about that: He might call you and say: "Hey, no days off for you since you´re at home anyway. Get to work and put the special cocktails-in-the-sun-offer into the racks!"
I´m sorry, I´m being a bit harsh on you. But for some reason I have the feeling that you actually want me too...if not, I better go run and hide somewhere. ;)
Hey sweety, no matter what you´ll decide for, just make sure to really get that me-time and make something of it. Otherwise you´ll feel shitty for not deciting otherwise.
Hope that made sense?
*hugs* *hugs* *hugs*
Sorry i really have to say this in Dutch...
wat een tering mongool heb jij als baas zeg! bah bah.. wow maar erg knap dat je het daar zo vol houdt.
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