Even though I have had the privilege of doing many fun things lately, and you have read about it here, please do keep in mind that I am catching up from over a year of not being able to do those things.
Lately I still have been feeling like I’m on a one way train, going down, down, down…
I know I am not alone, but at times I do feel like it anyway. Or I feel like I want to be alone, or left alone even. Just want to rethink stuff that’s been happening in my life lately. Stuff that I could not avoid and had to go through and deal with. Stuff I could not turn my back to, even if I begged for it, and stuff that always had a painful side to it. I guess my friends and blog-readers kinda know what “stuff” I am and/or can be referring to. To others, maybe new to this blog, I would advise to sit back and just check out the previous posts I have made.
But lately work is shitty. I had a deal with my boss about building up hours to get me and my body adjusted to it. And also that if I was planned to work a whole day, but it would be possible to leave a bit earlier, that I would be the one to go. But well, instead of going from half days work to 3/4 days and then full days, he just put me in for full days within a week of making this “deal” about building up my hours. And, as I wrote about before, at times I have to work because “…” (a reason) and then there are always others that are allowed to go home, even though I am still around. And last Friday, he planned me for half a day. The roster said that after my appointment with the health inspector, I had the afternoon off. So, guess what…?! YEAH! I had to get back!!!! And not for a few hours, nope, for the whole rest of the day!!!
And during the talk with that health doc, who was 30 minutes late!!!, I got the feeling he already mailed the letter he wanted to write about this appointment. Seeing he did not listen to any of my complaints and/or body troubles. When I told him that I felt like I was living to work instead of working to have a life, he said that “if I could work all these hours, I was declared 100% OK to work full days again”. That was after I told him about my ankles and back aches, my headaches and the fact that it was all too much! That I even worked around 8,5 hours a day, 4 of the 5 days a week. And all he mentioned then was “that he would advise my boss not to let me work more than 40 hours, like my contract said I had to work”. Yeah, that will help.
So when I went back to work after that conversation, well, him babbling and not listening to anything I said, I was pissed and mad and I have been feeling down and depressed ever since. Even people at work think he’s playing me so I will quit working there. But nope, that isn’t happening. I want my full benefits when I quit work and the only way to get those, is to be fired. So well… I will do my best for the customers, seeing they do deserve it (well most of then anyway). But furthermore, I am taking things easy. Why should I feel like I am dead when I get home from work, only to work my @$$ off again next day and feel shitty again when coming home??? It’s a circle I do not want to stay in, that’s for sure.
And I’ve just had it with about anything. I am not even excited or looking forward to that planned vacation and I really meant it when I wrote earlier that I would not mind to stay home alone with Chance. I just feel like I need “me-time”. Time to spend alone, being able to think things over, think my life over.
I will send this “update” to my blog soon and then head over to the couch downstairs and hopefully be able to watch some telly or a DVD.
Take care everyone!
TTFN, Cynni xxx
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2 comments:
I don;t know how things work out there but i think you should make a complaint about your health doc. Ask to be referred to someone else, because it doesnt sound like he is doing his job.
I know what you mean about needing some alone time to deal with things, i get like that some times too when theres a lot going on and i just need to be by myself. Sometimes just so i can wallow a little and let myself feel a little sorry for myself without having to worry about how my mood will effect other people, just to have the freedom to be miserable if i want and i think we all need that sometimes, just a little time to be by ourselves and have the freedom to feel what we feel. Sometimes it is also good to have some time alone to be able to take a step back from things and look at them more clearly and (hopefully) then be able to understand the situation better and to be able to find a way forward.
Sometimes the more people try to help make us feel better the harder it makes it, well for me anyway, because then i feel like i am making things unpleasent for them and that i am somehow letting them down by not being happier, which just ends up spiralling into me getting angry at them for unknowingly putting that pressure on me and making me feel like i am not good enough.
i hope that all made sense and i really do hope things are better for you soon. I hope you find the space you need, and want you to know that we are all here for you if you decide you want to talk to someone about it.
you know.... I so want to kick Hans his ass for what he is doing to you. but I guess I can't.
If stop working is what you want then I hope he will buy you out so you can sit at home. I think you worked more than enough to receive a full payment instead of mine 3 months. I hope that makes you you're old self again.
Sweety whatever you want, I will always be with you and will always be there for you
Love you
Joyce
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