Cynni's World

Just some thoughts

Sometimes you think you have it all. You are lucky, you are with the one you love and you have a job that you go to with a smile on your face every day. That is when it hits you the hard way. That is when you think you have it all and realise that something is wrong.
Your lover walkes out on you, you get fired from your job, someone you love gets very ill or dies or you find out that something is wrong with your health.
For me, it was the last one. After having a hip-surgery almost 9 years ago, I finally was back on track. We bought a nice house and were happy. I made new friends through the wonderful world called the internet. Friends and family members were getting pregnant and I got into trouble with my leg. I could not walk long distances anymore, I could not run anymore, I could not lift stuff anymore. So I had to see the doc. I had to make Xrays and I was told it was bad all over again. So I went to a surgeon and he recommended me to a specialized hospital. Ok, that sound nice. I still had more and more troubles, till I was living on painkillers. But after I got into the specialized hospital all went fast. Within 2 1/2 months I had my surgery. I knew all that could go wrong, but for me, going through it all was bad enough. Since it would mean a long revalidation, AGAIN, and a lot of pain.... But if I would not have it, it would mean that in a year, I would live with a wheelchair for the rest of my life. So the decision to have this surgery again was not too hard. Though I was terribly scared. I did not share my feelings with many people, wanted to be strong and the one who would face it as it came along, but deep inside I was this little girl screaming for her mommie.

Laying in that room
drugged, so there's no pain
no pain caused by surgery
but my heart is in vain

All alone through the night
not your loved ones at your side
they try to be there as much as they can
but I feel guilty for claiming their time

I want to do this by myself
show my strength
don't need any help
but deep inside I am crying out

What will they think of me
when I show my weakness
will they be there for me
or just let me lay there

All these thoughs
running through my head at night
I will do my best, yes dear
I will show you what I can

With that is my mind I did my best and after 8 days I could finally go home. Well, home as in living in the livingroom. My bed was there, as was all I needed. And I am lucky to say I even have my laptop with internet at my service, day and night.
So I did my best, got therapy for my leg and walking and then, 2 weeks after I got home, I got a terrible pain in my stomach. I was home alone, no one who could drive me anywhere and I had cold-warm fever rushes, making me shiver and hot at the same time. So I could make an appointment for the next morning. I felt soooo bad, I think I cried the whole afternoon.....and night. So the next morning, I had not eaten in 2 days now, and I felt sooooo bad.... They examined me and because there was nothing to see from the outside, they took me for an echo. That also hurt a lot, but got me worried into thinking I had to stay for surgery, because what I heard, did not sound good. And so my feelings were right and I had a surgery that same day. I had an abcess from aprox 7 by 3,5 cm (2 by 1 inch).
So after 7 days in the hospital, 6 on an IV with antibiotics, I could go home again.

And that is where I still am now. I am working on my recovery the best I can. I wake up a lot of mornings with backaches and sometimes sleeping is not a pleasure because of muscleaches. But I am not complaining, ok some days I am, because I know I did the right thing. And with my friends and family (the ones who do care that is) I know I will make it.

I love to write poems now and then. I am very crazy with it, since they seem to pop into my head and if I cannot write them down at once, I lose the best parts. What I am posting so far is all my own work. Please feel free to comment, even if you did not like them. I mean, hey, we're all people with different tastes, so you cannot like all you read, I understand. But do be kind to me, even if my writing is not your taste of reading.....

Have a nice day ya'all, please take care

Do what you want but hurt no one!

~Cynthia