Cynni's World

*I remember you*

I smell you. Though it was a long time since I saw you.
I hear you. Though it has been a while since we spoke.
I need you. Though you are not really there for me anymore.
I know your spirit still lives on, but it is not the same.
I long for that last hug we never had.
I hunger for the time to say I am sorry.
I dream that we are together again, though it will take some time for me to get where you are.

Every sentence started with I. Am I really that important? Or am I being selfish sarting off like that? Or is it just my way of expressing myself? Well, enough about me, what do you think of me?

The last time we were together, is not the last thing of you that I remember. Since after death, I got your card, saying you had a good time and nice weather. Does that mean that you already forgave me for the things I said? Since I cannot seem to forgive myself. All these years have not made it easier on me, have not made me able to forgive me. Friends have assured me that you are proud of me, that you have faith in me. But the guilt I took upon me after your death, that will never go away.

Maybe I do not want it to go, since it is a reminder of you.
Maybe a painfull one.
Maybe not the right one.
But it is you.

In a drawer in my closet on the attic. All your letters. Almost all written in your favorite color. Read and re-read and again. I cherish them more than ever. I still have a t-shirt that was yours. Granddad gave it to me, I put it in a bag and never wore it. It just smells like you always did, though now your scent is fading away. I wish I had more pictures of you, of you and me. But The ones I have will have to do. Since there is no chance to make new ones.

I wish and dream.
I cry and have nightmares.
I feel lost and lonely.
I miss you...

The questions why and what if are still present within me. What if you were at home when it happened? Would that have saved you? I wish I would know the answers. But no, rather not. Since it will not make a difference. It will only make me sad if my what if questions are answered in a way, that would mean you could still be here. Maybe it is time to start forgiving myself. But I do not want to lose you.

The presents you made for me with "Sint Nicolaas", some of them I still have. I look at them and see you in my thoughts. Working on them, with a twinkle in your eye, already knowing how much pleasure you would give me with it. All those times you played songs for me on your Hammond Organ. You were teaching me how to play, I loved those times. I did buy a keyboard this year and I want to learn. But it is not the same without you.

The days we spent that I still remember. The times we laughed and cried while watching movies. The times I went on a sleepover to you. I loved it. Playing cards together, doing the dishes together, doing so much together. And it has been almost 10 years, but still I remember it as it was yesterday.

Time goes by.
Minute by minute.
Year by year.
Memories.
Live on.
I will never.
Never let you.
Go....