Nightmares

If you would believe that something was about to happen to you and you would not survive it, what would you do then? Would you make a quick phone call to the ones you love to ensure them that you will always love them? Would you just keep your head held high and face whatever what was about to happen to you? Would you rather kill yourself before the thing you might be facing will finish you off?

I know this ain't a happy start of a blog. But these are things that I am facing almost every night when I close my eyes. I do not remember much of what I dream but the feelings of a certain fear and loss are still occupying my mind when I wake up. I am not sure what I would do when someone would ask me the question I just started with. But what I do remember from my nightmares is, that I have tried everything. And it did not matter what option I would go for, I'd always wake up in the same, sweaty way, feeling like I lost something that was most important to me.

Due to the shoulder and back-aches I have posted about here before, I am constantly feeling pain. I am used to living in pain, it just never is easy though. You have to go on, this I know all to well from all my hip problems and surgeries throughout the years. But it is hard. And maybe these pains are part of the underlaying problem of me having all sorts of ridiculous nightmares. I feel like I am a dead woman walking. Always trying my best not to show to anyone how f*cked up I really feel most of the time. Yes, I am happy with my new hip, it really took away a lot of pain and problems. But I still have pain and because of the lack of good sleep, I am just very pissed at myself deep inside. I have also tried reading something, listening to music or watching a dvd before bedtime. But over and over again I keep having these nightmares. I never know what I have lost in my sleep that makes me feel so broken and lost. I wish I knew, then I might be able to give it some extra thought and maybe find out what is causing these nightmares.

I do feel like I am losing control of my own thoughts at times, wondering about stuff that other people might just take for granted without any thought. Like the judgment thing I blogged about a while ago. I always want to understand things, so I can make a stand on them and know what I am thinking and maybe also talking about. But when I can't remember what I dream about, it is just not fair, seeing I have no way to really understand the cause of it all. Is it "just" the pain that my body is in? The changes in my lower back that make me so uncomfortable during the night (even on painkillers) that it has such an influence on my dreams?

I just feel like I am lost, while I have my nightmares and also when I am awake. It keeps haunting me like a bad ghost which I can feel is there but just can't see. Darn, where is my Ghost Whisperer when I need one? That was just an attempt at silly sarcasm. Didn't know if it would come out right but well... Right now, I don't really seem to be able to care. I just want some decent sleep, no stupid nightmares, no more feeling of losing something (whatever or whoever it may be). Just a dreamless night during which my body and mind can relax for a while.

Thanks for your interest. Sorry this ain't a happy blog. I just really don't feel too happy to be honest... Hopefully I'll feel better soon @ my next blog post.

Have a good Sunday everyone!!!
Cynni xxx