Going up and going down

Just when you think that the arguments, fighting and long talks have helped, something else happens... Why can't something just go as planned and be done with it?

Even when I was a kid, I planned out a lot. And I usually meant for things to go according to that plan, otherwise, I'd be grumpy to plain mad even. I still plan a lot, though I can handle it a bit better when something doesn't go according to it. But I still love to plan, because it gives me something to hold on to, even when my mind is occupied with other stuff. I also try to plan things that include others with them from the start. I would have it if someone felt left out or could not participate due to me "forgetting" to include him/her in my plans. If you don't know me then I would almost redirect to to any of my close friends for a referral and I guess they'd all say the same thing about me concerning this point. When I want to organize something that is supposed to happen in May, I start e-mailing and calling people in January. That's just who I am. I do love to organize though, figure out the best way to make it suitable for everyone I'd like to attend and also making sure everyone who will be there will also leave with a good feeling about it. So that is a big part of me and who I am inside.

As I stated many times here before, I also love to follow up on my promises. When I have made a promise and I can't make it in time, be sure I will let the people involved know that as soon as I know it and I will feel shitty about it. Because I just hate to break a promise or even have to postpone one due to what ever reason you can think of. But that also means that when someone makes a promise to me, even how unimportant it may seem to them, it means a whole lot to me. Because you always make a promise when the other one is relying on you. When they can't handle it alone and need help in any way.
For example. I mean, I promise to cook and by doing so, I know others are counting on me to make a decent meal to fill their hungry tummies after a hard day at work. When I feel too tired to cook, I will always inform the others and ask if they are open for any suggestion (take away food like Chinese or Pizza). I do feel bad then because I really wanted to cook. But when my body doesn't have the energy left, I also know the meal may not be up to my standard as well. And that's also not good. But it's not like I wait for the others to get home hungry and then tell them there's no food. That would really not be good in my own opinion so I'd never do it.

I am just so fed up lately over the fact that some people really can't seem to understand how important these "silly" things are to me. Some people just take stuff for granted and that's all they will do. But me personally, I can be very hurt by breaking a stupid silly promise of sending a text message at a certain time of the day. And when that does not happen, I am sad... I feel like I am not important enough to even receive that promised message. And yes, that might seem stupid. Some would even call it crazy. But the thought of the promise of such a silly little thing, makes me feel more important and connected with the person who made that promise. Because in that way you know they are still thinking of you and willing to take just a small bit of time to dedicate it to you. I don't need to receive like the biggest send message ever. Just the promised part will do perfectly for my satisfaction. And so on with other silly little things... But all those little things eventually pile up into a huge big thing. And when that happens, it's kinda already too late, I guess... But in the beginning you think: a just one thing, that would never happen to me but it could happen to people less "dedicated" to these silly things of mine. But after a while I will start to wonder if I did something wrong in order to be "forgotten" or "left out" or even lied to. Because if I treat people with honesty, respect and keep to my promises, I would hope people would appreciate that and treat me in the same way. So when the previous mentioned things happen, I am wondering if I did something wrong to deserve it. And that usually takes some restless nights and when I can't think of anything, I feel even more sad than I did when I thought it WAS my fault... Seeing I have always been like this ever since I was a kid and can remember, I guess I will have trouble changing these personality points. But I am not sure if I'd want to change them though. Because I do think they are all very worthy and good to maintain a decent friendship and/or relationship. But on the other hand, don't they make me an easier "target" to feel bad about myself, to feel disappointed and/or even hurt? So I am back to laying awake and wondering about myself again.

I know that, all the positive and negative things about me will eventually lead to positive. Otherwise I would not get all the positive feedback from many, many customers at my work. And I really value that feedback, also the negative bits, because it makes me feel worthy of the work I do. Knowing that the people I help are satisfied and feel they got a good service. That is what the biggest part of my work is all about. Service and satisfaction towards and from the customers. I always aim to help them in the best and polite ways possible. And that surely has gained me some good connections with some of our dear customers. And even when I feel like s*it, I just work and try to filter all the negativity that is inside of me at that moment out, so the customer will not be troubled by it. It can be hard and some people do tend to think that I am always a happy person. I do tell them that I try to keep my work and personal emotions separate, so I can focus on giving them a good service. And I also tell them it is not always easy, but it's for both their and my own best intentions. When I am being grumpy at work, the customers will react to that, making my day even more bad than it already was. But when I give my best, they will react more positive, making my day just a bit brighter.

Ah well, as I mentioned in the first lines of this post: why do things always have to go wrong when you are just hoping that they were going right??? I really feel that my trust is broken in many different ways. And every time I get some reassurance that it will be better and I am putting some hope in it because I really long for it to go better...it goes bad again. So again my hope's been flushed away. Again I stand there feeling like a numb-nut, worthless of just about anything I can think of at that moment.

So then I start wondering if it is right to give people the "freedom" to make me feel this way over and over again. When is it time to put an end to it, if possible? When is it time to really build something again instead of tearing everything down? I believe in a good foundation for any kind of relationship that I go into. If it is merely a friendship or a love relation, I need a foundation to rely on. To know that there is a safe haven for me to fall back to when things are just getting to be a bit too much for me. But to also know that because of that foundation, we stand strong and can survive just about anything that comes our way. But what is you feel that that foundation is made of bad concrete and it is slowly falling away beneath your feet?

I guess that is also a big part of why I have nightmares and wake up remembering nothing but a sad sense of loss. Maybe it's not about a person but about that foundation. About a relationship's base that is falling away and I feel there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried all I could think of. Being honest, being fair and open, being respectful and reliable... even at times being mad and feeling like I am talking to that concrete instead of the person who is sharing it with me (if you know what I mean).

I was very tired and lay in bed at 10 pm this evening. All alone. George had car troubles and Joyce a dinner. I lay there and almost fell asleep and then George came home, making enough noise for me to know he was home again. About half an hour later, my feet finally warm enough for me to doze off again, Joyce gets home. When she came to bed, smelling like a cigarette with deodorant, I just woke because I got nauseated of that smell. She quit smoking because I can't stand it! Although she has not been totally honest on the way about the quitting since... And now when during the dinner some people needed to smoke she joined them...just to talk... But I know not all people in that group smoke so why should everyone go stand outside for that? The smokers could go out and the non smokers could stay in. But she joined, just for a talk, and then thinks brushing her teeth and using waaaaay too much deodorant will make me not notice it. So I went to my attic room and made room for the bad sleeping couch, grabbed my pillow and a sleeping bag...and been online ever since. Since I can't understand her "reasoning" and maybe it is the truth, she'd know from experience that she would take that ugle smell with her to bed... And I would notice. So she could have thought about me and my dislike about it and NOT have gone outside with the smokers... I'd like to trust her, but she lied to me before about this and I guess the trust is over and done with. So I was sleepy and tired and now it's 2,5 hours later, I am still awake, have to get up in 6 hours, work in 7 and I feel betrayed once again...

I just don't know what to think anymore. I just can't seem to understand why it is so hard to keep my feelings about things in the back of your head before you do something. For example, if I knew that George hates the smell of cigarettes (which he also does) and I would go out, I would also keep in mind that we share a bed and make sure NOT to smell like it when I try to cuddle up with him at bedtime. I don't smoke though, but some friends I know do. I try to keep out of the wind when I am with them and even they keep in mind that I find smoking disgusting! So why can other people who are honest about their smoking habit and don't even share a bed with me take notice of my dislike and keep that in mind and why can't someone that I do share a bed with not keep that in mind? When you want to sleep you don't want to smell something you find disgusting. It's not a good help for falling asleep. At least not for me it is... *sighs*

Why do things that seem normal and easy to me have to be so hard to receive them from others??? Am I a moron for having these standards? Am I the main issue and the biggest problem? I just don't know what to think of myself at times like these. I know I should be sleeping but I just can't. I needed to write all these thoughs away, to share them with friends and maybe some complete strangers who just happen to come to this blog. I had to get these thoughts to (what used to be) paper so I am also able to re-read them many times over.

I guess in the end it is me who is to blame for the way I am feeling. I am the one who tries to live by these silly "rules" so I am the one who is making it difficult for others... Am I?