Breathe again

Hello everyone,

I know it's been a while since my last posts and those weren't too much of the happy kind. But I am glad to inform you that things are finally going a bit better again. I sleep better now, thanks to pills I got for my muscle aches, 8 pills left, one each night. So hopefully after that, I'll be able to sleep OK on myself again, without the need of muscle relaxing pills. Just to feel less pain makes my life a bit easier. And today, Queens' Day in the Netherlands, I'll unfortunately have to work from 8 till 13. But then, going home and making final preparations for FedCon in Bonn this weekend! *yay*. I've already packed my clothing, I am charging my camera's batteries and I am printing all the stuff we'll need at the con and hotel. It's about 180 km from here, so it'll be quite a drive. We are allowed to check in at the hotel at noon, so I was/am planning to arrive around 11:30 at least. So that means we'll need to leave around 8 am. It's a 2 hour drive, but we'll probably need a pee break and there might be a lot of traffic which will lead to the German "Stau" which means: traffic jams. So to be sure we'll make it nicely in time for the hotel and the event: leave around 8.

And I'll have to cleanup my mess here at the attic room. I can find about everything and anything, but to others it might (well, more than might) seem messy. So that will be yet another tast for me before I can go to Bonn.

I am getting kinda worried though that this while Mexican pig stuff will f*ck up our vacation plans, sighs... Stupid piggies... Hopefully they will get it all under control soon, that would be very nice...

But I am feeling a bit better. I've had many talks with Joyce and also with George and things hopefully will go a whole lot better now.

I am now making some cd's to play in the car when we're on the road to Bonn. Just selected some (almost) randon songs from my iTunes and am burning the first cd now.

Joyce send me a text message that her car wouldn't start (again). So she needs some people to push her home. OK, just till the car is willing to start. I wonder why she has had that kind of troubles again and again. And I am hoping they will not occur when we're going to Bonn, in Bonn or heading back home again.

I was looking for George but he seems to have vanished from this house. Strange, normally he would let me know when he'd go on an errand.

Ah well...

Back to some cleaning up, burning cd's and trying to relax a bit as well.

Hugs, Cynni xxx

Double sheep trouble

This picture I just made during George and my walk with Chance. Silly sheep!

Going up and going down

Just when you think that the arguments, fighting and long talks have helped, something else happens... Why can't something just go as planned and be done with it?

Even when I was a kid, I planned out a lot. And I usually meant for things to go according to that plan, otherwise, I'd be grumpy to plain mad even. I still plan a lot, though I can handle it a bit better when something doesn't go according to it. But I still love to plan, because it gives me something to hold on to, even when my mind is occupied with other stuff. I also try to plan things that include others with them from the start. I would have it if someone felt left out or could not participate due to me "forgetting" to include him/her in my plans. If you don't know me then I would almost redirect to to any of my close friends for a referral and I guess they'd all say the same thing about me concerning this point. When I want to organize something that is supposed to happen in May, I start e-mailing and calling people in January. That's just who I am. I do love to organize though, figure out the best way to make it suitable for everyone I'd like to attend and also making sure everyone who will be there will also leave with a good feeling about it. So that is a big part of me and who I am inside.

As I stated many times here before, I also love to follow up on my promises. When I have made a promise and I can't make it in time, be sure I will let the people involved know that as soon as I know it and I will feel shitty about it. Because I just hate to break a promise or even have to postpone one due to what ever reason you can think of. But that also means that when someone makes a promise to me, even how unimportant it may seem to them, it means a whole lot to me. Because you always make a promise when the other one is relying on you. When they can't handle it alone and need help in any way.
For example. I mean, I promise to cook and by doing so, I know others are counting on me to make a decent meal to fill their hungry tummies after a hard day at work. When I feel too tired to cook, I will always inform the others and ask if they are open for any suggestion (take away food like Chinese or Pizza). I do feel bad then because I really wanted to cook. But when my body doesn't have the energy left, I also know the meal may not be up to my standard as well. And that's also not good. But it's not like I wait for the others to get home hungry and then tell them there's no food. That would really not be good in my own opinion so I'd never do it.

I am just so fed up lately over the fact that some people really can't seem to understand how important these "silly" things are to me. Some people just take stuff for granted and that's all they will do. But me personally, I can be very hurt by breaking a stupid silly promise of sending a text message at a certain time of the day. And when that does not happen, I am sad... I feel like I am not important enough to even receive that promised message. And yes, that might seem stupid. Some would even call it crazy. But the thought of the promise of such a silly little thing, makes me feel more important and connected with the person who made that promise. Because in that way you know they are still thinking of you and willing to take just a small bit of time to dedicate it to you. I don't need to receive like the biggest send message ever. Just the promised part will do perfectly for my satisfaction. And so on with other silly little things... But all those little things eventually pile up into a huge big thing. And when that happens, it's kinda already too late, I guess... But in the beginning you think: a just one thing, that would never happen to me but it could happen to people less "dedicated" to these silly things of mine. But after a while I will start to wonder if I did something wrong in order to be "forgotten" or "left out" or even lied to. Because if I treat people with honesty, respect and keep to my promises, I would hope people would appreciate that and treat me in the same way. So when the previous mentioned things happen, I am wondering if I did something wrong to deserve it. And that usually takes some restless nights and when I can't think of anything, I feel even more sad than I did when I thought it WAS my fault... Seeing I have always been like this ever since I was a kid and can remember, I guess I will have trouble changing these personality points. But I am not sure if I'd want to change them though. Because I do think they are all very worthy and good to maintain a decent friendship and/or relationship. But on the other hand, don't they make me an easier "target" to feel bad about myself, to feel disappointed and/or even hurt? So I am back to laying awake and wondering about myself again.

I know that, all the positive and negative things about me will eventually lead to positive. Otherwise I would not get all the positive feedback from many, many customers at my work. And I really value that feedback, also the negative bits, because it makes me feel worthy of the work I do. Knowing that the people I help are satisfied and feel they got a good service. That is what the biggest part of my work is all about. Service and satisfaction towards and from the customers. I always aim to help them in the best and polite ways possible. And that surely has gained me some good connections with some of our dear customers. And even when I feel like s*it, I just work and try to filter all the negativity that is inside of me at that moment out, so the customer will not be troubled by it. It can be hard and some people do tend to think that I am always a happy person. I do tell them that I try to keep my work and personal emotions separate, so I can focus on giving them a good service. And I also tell them it is not always easy, but it's for both their and my own best intentions. When I am being grumpy at work, the customers will react to that, making my day even more bad than it already was. But when I give my best, they will react more positive, making my day just a bit brighter.

Ah well, as I mentioned in the first lines of this post: why do things always have to go wrong when you are just hoping that they were going right??? I really feel that my trust is broken in many different ways. And every time I get some reassurance that it will be better and I am putting some hope in it because I really long for it to go better...it goes bad again. So again my hope's been flushed away. Again I stand there feeling like a numb-nut, worthless of just about anything I can think of at that moment.

So then I start wondering if it is right to give people the "freedom" to make me feel this way over and over again. When is it time to put an end to it, if possible? When is it time to really build something again instead of tearing everything down? I believe in a good foundation for any kind of relationship that I go into. If it is merely a friendship or a love relation, I need a foundation to rely on. To know that there is a safe haven for me to fall back to when things are just getting to be a bit too much for me. But to also know that because of that foundation, we stand strong and can survive just about anything that comes our way. But what is you feel that that foundation is made of bad concrete and it is slowly falling away beneath your feet?

I guess that is also a big part of why I have nightmares and wake up remembering nothing but a sad sense of loss. Maybe it's not about a person but about that foundation. About a relationship's base that is falling away and I feel there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried all I could think of. Being honest, being fair and open, being respectful and reliable... even at times being mad and feeling like I am talking to that concrete instead of the person who is sharing it with me (if you know what I mean).

I was very tired and lay in bed at 10 pm this evening. All alone. George had car troubles and Joyce a dinner. I lay there and almost fell asleep and then George came home, making enough noise for me to know he was home again. About half an hour later, my feet finally warm enough for me to doze off again, Joyce gets home. When she came to bed, smelling like a cigarette with deodorant, I just woke because I got nauseated of that smell. She quit smoking because I can't stand it! Although she has not been totally honest on the way about the quitting since... And now when during the dinner some people needed to smoke she joined them...just to talk... But I know not all people in that group smoke so why should everyone go stand outside for that? The smokers could go out and the non smokers could stay in. But she joined, just for a talk, and then thinks brushing her teeth and using waaaaay too much deodorant will make me not notice it. So I went to my attic room and made room for the bad sleeping couch, grabbed my pillow and a sleeping bag...and been online ever since. Since I can't understand her "reasoning" and maybe it is the truth, she'd know from experience that she would take that ugle smell with her to bed... And I would notice. So she could have thought about me and my dislike about it and NOT have gone outside with the smokers... I'd like to trust her, but she lied to me before about this and I guess the trust is over and done with. So I was sleepy and tired and now it's 2,5 hours later, I am still awake, have to get up in 6 hours, work in 7 and I feel betrayed once again...

I just don't know what to think anymore. I just can't seem to understand why it is so hard to keep my feelings about things in the back of your head before you do something. For example, if I knew that George hates the smell of cigarettes (which he also does) and I would go out, I would also keep in mind that we share a bed and make sure NOT to smell like it when I try to cuddle up with him at bedtime. I don't smoke though, but some friends I know do. I try to keep out of the wind when I am with them and even they keep in mind that I find smoking disgusting! So why can other people who are honest about their smoking habit and don't even share a bed with me take notice of my dislike and keep that in mind and why can't someone that I do share a bed with not keep that in mind? When you want to sleep you don't want to smell something you find disgusting. It's not a good help for falling asleep. At least not for me it is... *sighs*

Why do things that seem normal and easy to me have to be so hard to receive them from others??? Am I a moron for having these standards? Am I the main issue and the biggest problem? I just don't know what to think of myself at times like these. I know I should be sleeping but I just can't. I needed to write all these thoughs away, to share them with friends and maybe some complete strangers who just happen to come to this blog. I had to get these thoughts to (what used to be) paper so I am also able to re-read them many times over.

I guess in the end it is me who is to blame for the way I am feeling. I am the one who tries to live by these silly "rules" so I am the one who is making it difficult for others... Am I?

Bored with profile sites

Hello everyone,

today I canceled my Myspace and Hyves account. I was bored with them. I am even thinking of canceling my facebook account, seeing all I do there is play games which really do not have any real life use. They are just a way of spending my time, which I am guessing, I can use better. I will delete all my profile stuff from facebook though, I have a website, message board and this blog and I believe that's enough of me online. All personal other things are just as they are: personal. I am keeping my photobucket accounts and my youtube account as well. But I use them for other purposes than putting myself online. I guess I am still willing to share stuff about myself, but only on places where people know to find me and not just on a random profile site...

The last few days I have been quite down, depressed almost. Things just did nto seem to go as I hoped or wanted to. My reactions were also not always as others expected from me. I am sorry about it, but it's just something I need to deal with.

I hoped the pain would go away sooner, finally allowing me to do things that every 28 year old can do. Finally being able to really live the life I want to live, not being held back by my own body. But it takes way longer than I was ever hoping for or counting on. I want to be able to not feel pain, even if it would be for just one day to start with. The left shoulder pains I wrote about earlier, probably a small tear in my muscle. I need to take it easy, but keep moving and if it isn't over next week, see a doctor about it. So yet another thing that gives me extra troubles.

And I know I should be happy to live with two people who say they love me more than anything. But when stuff happens which makes me wonder, I start thinking of many reasons why things are different. Am I to blame for the recent changes, or is it something or someone else who's to blame? Did I give any reason what so ever to be treated in the way I am now? And you might already know how much I can think about stuff, well I can drive myself insane looking for an answer that I can agree on myself.

For me, some things are really important in normal day life and in any sort of relationship (friends, family or lovers): trust, honesty and being open. I absolutely hate lying and cheating! I could never do anything like that to the people I really care about. I'd rather be honest all the way so my friends, lovers and anyone who might be interacting with me at that moment, know I am telling them the truth, straight from the heart. I will not try to protect anyone's feelings by lying, because in my eyes, the lie makes it even worse. If I can't be honest and open to the people I just mentioned, what is the relationship built upon then? If I can't be honest with them, who can I be honest with then? If I can't share my feelings, thoughts and all with people who I care about (and I hope it's vise versa) then what does that friendship mean? What is it based upon then?

I know that I am always honest, especially to the people I care a lot about. I've lied to George once, but I had to in order to keep the surprise I was planning for him a real surprise... But I have always been honest and always had an explanation to why I felt that way about something. I also hate cheating on one another. I know that when I am cheated upon, even if it seemed just simple and innocent, it will hit me hard! Just because it is one of the things I would and could never do and I do hope that my lovers will treat me in an equal and fair way too. I could never shove my loved ones aside if it would suit me at any moment! Also because I hope they would never treat me in such a way either. It is not polite nor reasonable behavior towards people you love and care about...

Ah well, so I am going crazy with all these questions that go through me and all the silly answers my mind keeps on finding. My nightmares ain't helping a lot either. But 2 out of 3 profile sites are gone, did not visit them anyway, and all on Facebook is just for friends... No outsiders looking in. If you know me, you can find my homepage and then you can see all that I shared with you on this world wide web :)

Much love and hugs,
TTFN Cynni xxx

Nightmares

If you would believe that something was about to happen to you and you would not survive it, what would you do then? Would you make a quick phone call to the ones you love to ensure them that you will always love them? Would you just keep your head held high and face whatever what was about to happen to you? Would you rather kill yourself before the thing you might be facing will finish you off?

I know this ain't a happy start of a blog. But these are things that I am facing almost every night when I close my eyes. I do not remember much of what I dream but the feelings of a certain fear and loss are still occupying my mind when I wake up. I am not sure what I would do when someone would ask me the question I just started with. But what I do remember from my nightmares is, that I have tried everything. And it did not matter what option I would go for, I'd always wake up in the same, sweaty way, feeling like I lost something that was most important to me.

Due to the shoulder and back-aches I have posted about here before, I am constantly feeling pain. I am used to living in pain, it just never is easy though. You have to go on, this I know all to well from all my hip problems and surgeries throughout the years. But it is hard. And maybe these pains are part of the underlaying problem of me having all sorts of ridiculous nightmares. I feel like I am a dead woman walking. Always trying my best not to show to anyone how f*cked up I really feel most of the time. Yes, I am happy with my new hip, it really took away a lot of pain and problems. But I still have pain and because of the lack of good sleep, I am just very pissed at myself deep inside. I have also tried reading something, listening to music or watching a dvd before bedtime. But over and over again I keep having these nightmares. I never know what I have lost in my sleep that makes me feel so broken and lost. I wish I knew, then I might be able to give it some extra thought and maybe find out what is causing these nightmares.

I do feel like I am losing control of my own thoughts at times, wondering about stuff that other people might just take for granted without any thought. Like the judgment thing I blogged about a while ago. I always want to understand things, so I can make a stand on them and know what I am thinking and maybe also talking about. But when I can't remember what I dream about, it is just not fair, seeing I have no way to really understand the cause of it all. Is it "just" the pain that my body is in? The changes in my lower back that make me so uncomfortable during the night (even on painkillers) that it has such an influence on my dreams?

I just feel like I am lost, while I have my nightmares and also when I am awake. It keeps haunting me like a bad ghost which I can feel is there but just can't see. Darn, where is my Ghost Whisperer when I need one? That was just an attempt at silly sarcasm. Didn't know if it would come out right but well... Right now, I don't really seem to be able to care. I just want some decent sleep, no stupid nightmares, no more feeling of losing something (whatever or whoever it may be). Just a dreamless night during which my body and mind can relax for a while.

Thanks for your interest. Sorry this ain't a happy blog. I just really don't feel too happy to be honest... Hopefully I'll feel better soon @ my next blog post.

Have a good Sunday everyone!!!
Cynni xxx

Lyrics for a song that's still unwritten

What if the rain you think you see falling are your own tears?
What if the pain you're feeling is caused by your own fears?

When the love you once held tight
seems to have left you over night
When the trust you thought you established
fell away like it vanished?

What if the heart that once was beating proudly now wants to quit?
What if I just want to stop where I am and sit?

When it all gets to be too much
how I long for that one touch
When I need some love and care
but there is no one here and everywhere

How I tried to keep myself together
How I tried to stop that feeling
How I longed for a solution
When all I found and gained was pain

What if my eyes can't ever see what they need to see?
What if my mind's blind for what's really going on?

When it all gets me to a point of no return
how will I ever be able to return back to you
the place where I always thought to be safe....

Within Temptation - Forgiven

This is the official Within Temptation video of the song that I mentioned a few days. I really love it and this way I can also share the music with you in a legal way! *yay* YouTube!

Enjoy and don't hesitate to leave a comment :)

AMAZING & WOW!

Someone shared this vid on his Facebook and when I saw it, it really STUNNED ME! Gin might already know this vid, seeing she's from the UK. But maybe she did not see this one yet and well, it's just AB-FAB!!!


Susan Boyle Stuns Crowd with Epic Singing

You MUST watch this whole thing!!!!!!

Susan Boyle is her name. She's competing on Britain's Got Talent.

She's 47 years old, housewife, and she wants to be a singer.

She attempts to do I Dreamed A Dream from Les Miserables.Well, more than attempts, I must admit...

Short article about the vid found online:
By now, you've probably seen this weekend's viral video sensation, 47-year-old ("and that's just one siiiiide of me!") Susan Boyle's audition for Britain's Got Talent. The never-been-kissed Scot blew away the initially sneer-mongering judges with her rendition of "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables, causing Simon Cowell to sort of shift in his seat a little bit while allowing one the most sheepish documented grins to date spread over his "O" face.

Some more lyrics that makes you think...and feel...and smile...

I will post some lyrics to songs that I have been listening a lot to lately
These lyrics are not owned by me nor do I claim any rights to it!
These lyrics I am posting are merely to (hopefully) get you, the reader, more interested in the songs I'm loving... And make some "advertisement" for the artists that the songs are from and owned by. Just so you know...

Within Temptation: Forgiven
It comes from their "The heart of everything" album that came out in 2007.

FORGIVEN
Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Time has passed you by

Oh, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
Here I am left in silence

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven

I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can't warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away

Oh, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
And here I am left in silence

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven

I've been so lost since you've gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven

And this song as well:
Madonna: One more chance
Something to remember (2001)

ONE MORE CHANCE
I turned around too late to see the fallen star
I fell asleep and never saw the sun go down
I took your love for granted
Thought luck was always on my side
I turned around too late and you were gone

[Chorus:]

So give me one more chance
Darlin' if you care for me
Let me win your love
'Cause you were always there for me
If you care for me,
Be there for me

I like to play the queen of hearts and never thought I'd lose
I rolled the dice but never showed my hand
I planned it out so perfectly,
So you'd never leave a girl like me
I was a fool, but now I understand

[chorus]

Here is the law of the land
You play with fire and you'll get burned
Here is the lesson I've learned
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone

[chorus, without last two lines]

Gimme one more chance
Tell me that it's not too late
Let me win your love
Darlin' please don't hesitate
If you care for me,
Be there for me

Give me one more chance

And this song always makes me smile and hum it the rest of the day:
Enya - My my time flies
And winter came (2008)

MY! MY! TIME FLIES
My! My! Time flies! One step and we're on the moon, next step into the stars
My! My! Time flies! Maybe we could be there soon, a one way ticket to mars

My! My! Time flies! A man underneath a tree, an apple falls on his head
My my time flies a man wrote a symphony, it's 1812

My! My! Time flies! Four guys across abbey road, one forgot to wear shoes
My! My! Time flies! A rap on a rhapsody, a king who's still in the news, a king to sing you the blues

My! My! Time flies! A man in a winter sleigh, white white white as the snow
My! My! Time flies! A new day is on it's way, so let's let yesterday go
Could be we step out again
Could be tomorrow but then,
Could be 2010

The last song also has an official video on YouTube that I wish to share with you.
Silkstone - Out of my league
Here in your world (2007)



OUT OF MY LEAGUE
it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
coz she’s all that I see and she’s all that I need
and i'm out of my league once again

it's a masterful melody when she calls out my name to me
as the world spins around her she laughs, rolls her eyes
and i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again

it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again

I've been quite busy

Hello everyone, here I am again!

I know it's been a while, but I've been quite busy. But now I am online and ready to inform you about all the stuff that has kept me that busy. The last time I wrote a post, it was about the weekend that Björn came to visit us. So that's 9 days ago and a lot to mention.

I had to work last week, on all days except for the Tuesday. Monday from 7:30 till 12:30, Wednesday & Friday from 7:30 till 13:00 and Thursday from 8:00 till 13:00. On Thursday, I went to my parents' place after work so mum and I could still make our usual grocery shopping ride to Kranenburg and the Makro.

There isn't really much to mention about the working week. I went to the gym twice and that went quite OK. It's still hard but I am doing my best and what I am allowed to do and that should progress during the time being (I hope).

This Saturday, Joyce and I went grocery shopping again with my mum. Due to it almost being Easter, many people were already in the stores. But we still made it back quite in time before the real busiest part of the day. We took Brutus home with us, seeing the weather was really lovely and that way he could finally join Chance for a swim in the Maas. We cleaned up all the groceries and then we had our brunch. Then we went to the city center to visit a local travel agency. We are planning a REAL vacation this year... Seeing this year we did have a mid-week in Center Parcs. But that was not really a vacation for me, seeing I could not do a lot except for sitting in the jacuzi. George and Joyce went skiing during the days and I was not able to join. In 2008 we did not have any vacation due to my hip troubles. And in 2007 we had 9 days of Isla Margarita in March and a week in Texel in October. So now, a real vacation is being booked. We are going to Mexico this year. We all never have been there, so that should be really exciting. It's a 16 days vacation, which means 2 weeks of real vacation time, seeing 2 days are spend traveling. The last 2 weeks of June and the first of July will be spend there. We have heard and read a lot about the Iberostar hotel Tucan/Quetzal. And all was positive, so we are planning our stay there. For pictures please click this link. I hope it works. Otherwise please Google the hotel. My boss gave me the OK to take the desired days off from work so we will definitely book our vacation next Thursday. Whoohoo!
After that, we went home and took the doggies for a walk and swim at the Surfer's Corner in Linden. Let me share some nice pictures that I made with you. And you know it: click on the pictures for an enlargement!

On Sunday we had to get up early to visit the Warner Brothers Movie Work in Germany. First we had to take Brutus home and Chance was going along to spend the night at Brutus' place.

Joyce also made a blog about this day. Please use this link to read her story!

The ride went OK and we arrived somewhat near 10:45. We bought our tickets and met the one and only cartoon "person" we saw in the park during the whole day: the Pink Panther. So we asked the Pink's guide to take a picture with Pink & the three of us.

After that: a toilet brake and then on to the rides! Seeing Joyce wrote a very detailed blog I will only post some pictures and comments here. No use in writing the same story as she already has...

Our first ride


ICE AGE 2 THE RIDE

Scratt still trying to save the world, or his nut...


007 Scratt saves the world again...or was it still that darned nut?


Manny needs a push ever now and then


All ends well...

In the end we also visited a show. Here is a short vid that I made.

As I wrote before, for a more detailed post about WB Movie World, please visit Joyce's blog post about it.

When we were on our way home, we made a short pit-stop in Kleve, Germany. There we saw some of the Monster Trucks that had been used on a show a few days before. Of course we took out chances to make some pictures *smile*

On that Sunday evening, I made a wrong move with my left arm, causing it not to be able to move anymore. It felt like a muscle just changed it's position and it hurter really bad. Joyce could not massage the muscle back so we needed George's manly powers... Well, he did succeed after a while to give my arm some movement back. But now my shoulder blade feels bruised and it's a bit red/blue/black and swollen. I had to work all day today and it was really hard. That's why I am not at the gym at this moment. I KNOW I could use the exercise but it only hurts me and that would not be enjoyable or useful in any way. So I stayed home, unfortunately, and decided to update my blog.

Yesterday we had a relaxing day. Since my parents would bring Chance home when they'd come over to have dinner all together at a Chinese restaurant in Gennep. So we did not need to care for Chance and we could sleep in. Then we had our brunch and Joyce and I cleaned the insides of our 3 cars. Then Joyce and I went to the car wash to wash the outside of her car as well.
Then my parents came and we went to the Surfer's Corner once again. The doggies swam and then we had a walk before heading back to get prepared for dinner.
The dinner was lovely and delightful. And when we came back, Joyce and I took Chance for a late walk and then we went to bed and watched yet another episode of Deep Space Nine. Just 2,5 more weeks and we'll be heading to Fed-Con in Bonn, Germany. Whoohoo!

And now I am home after a long and hard day at work, finishing up this blog and listening to a Within Temptation song on my pc.

Huggies and much love to all,
Cynni xxx

Last weekend

Hello everyone,

due to a busy weekend and my thoughts keeping me busy on things that I mentioned in my two previous posts, I did not have a chance to tell you all about last weekend and all... So here it goes!

On Friday, we had really great weather! I had to work from 7:30 till 13 and then I went home. George had to move some of his stuff into his new workspace, so we decided to take Chance along as well. After we emptied the van, we went to the Surfer's Corner in Linden. There, Chance had the chance to take her first real swim! Not the shallow swims like before, but the real deal. I got her a special toy that floats on the water so we got the chance to test that out with Chance now *winks*

Chance really LOVED it!

...as you can clearly see in these pictures. And again, click on the pictures to see an enlargement.

Then we went home to clean up and I played some Mafia Wars. That evening, the three of us took our bikes to the center to eat and then have a nice ride in the lovely weather. Watching the sun set at the Surfer's Corner, but the weather turned a bit hazy, so it wasn't a very lovely sunset. Then we went on home, where Joyce and I watched a DVD before going to sleep.

Saturday morning was business as usual: shopping with mother *smile*. Then back to Cuijk. That evening a dear friend of us, Björn, would come and stay the night. So we tidied everything for him *smile and wink*. We wanted to BBQ, but the weather was really bad compared to Friday. So we decided to eat pasta that evening and hopefully Sunday would be nice to have our BBQ. I prepared dinner while Joyce was finishing her room, which is also our guestroom. We were just having dinner when he texted Joyce that he was on the train to Cuijk. So she picked him up mid dinner and then ate the rest when she came back.

We watched some DVD's, chatted a whole lot and drank Tequila's *smile*. Joyce and Björn made some silly picca's that evening...

After a few Tequila's I was even allowed to touch Björn's hair!!!

We watched a few movies and went to bed around 1am.

The next morning we all got up around the same time. But Björn needed lots of time in our bathroom, making him the last one downstairs. I prepared eggs on a sandwich bread for everyone and after that, it was brunch as usual. We watched another DVD and when the weather got better, we went to the Surfer's Corner in Linden again. We went for a walk and Chance could take a swim again as well.

There was also a Dalmatian dog who was kinda jealous of Chance's water toy. Chance did play with the Dalmatian, till she was getting very mad at Chance because Chance wanted her toy back. When the Dalmatian also got angry against her boss, she took the dog home immediately...

We then went for a walk in the sun, which was very nice and much fun.

Bjorn went home around 5pm. I have to finish up this post now, since we have to leave soon for Chance's doggy exam this evening...

I'll be back!!!

TTFN xxx Cynni

Feelings on judgment by appearance

Hello everyone,

This post is an update, or a part two if you like, about what I wrote
to you about before. The judgment of people on their looks and if it
matters into going into conversation with them (or being even more
interested)...

I've received powerful and worthy comments of two dear friends. And I
guess some points were very well taken, but I do want to be sure that
everyone understands I am not judging anyone through these posts. It's
merely a view into my toughs and wonders when I am trying to figure
out what my thoughts are trying to tell me... It is about what my view
on things is and not that I am looking down on people or anything like
that! Not that my dear friends made any comments to that sort, but I
just want to be sure that no one could feel offended by what I think
or like or write in my posts...

OK now that's out of my system, let's go on with what I've been
thinking about after I wrote that previous post.

Both Gin and Steph, the two dear friends, never wear make-up and
neither do I. It's not that I am not interested when someone does not
wear make-up...it's about the way they apply it when they do use it.
It can really make someone pretty if applied well, but when it's like
"overdone" it can be quite a turndown as well. I guess being bi-sexual
also makes a small difference... I do look at both the male and the
female people in the same way, sexually that is. Not that I am looking
for new love!!! But it's easier for me to find either male or female
attractive. When you are a heterosexual person you are attracted to
just the opposite sex. You will see the same sex people in another way
than you'll see the other sex. I hope I make myself clear here. But I
guess when a heterosexual girlfriend of mine and me go out together, I
am more likely to check both sexes out and she will be more likely to
check out just the male population then.

I guess this is not an easy topic. But if it were easy I guess there
would not be so many doubts inside my head. It would be easy to work
out and move on. And of course we're all different. That is what makes
us interesting. That's what also can make it difficult at times. But
while we live we can learn from each other and get to understand what
makes the world go round.

It's not that I won't even bother to communicate with people that
don't suit my "judgment". But sometimes I do lay back when it just
doesn't feel right. And it also differs through the circumstances that
I'm in. For example: when I go to a convention it's a lot easier to
get into a conversation with people because I know there must be
something that connects us. Why else would they attend the same
convention? Ad when I am at an amusement park, it's also easier
because there's also a common interest there. And when I am at work
it's also easy because I know most of the common customers and after a
while you get to know people. But when someone just puts him or
herself on the world in a way that does not make me feel comfortable,
I'll still lay back...

And about the clothing: of course you should wear what's most
comfortable! But when I see a man in a whole neat suit with Adidas
sneakers underneath... That's not really cool. Or when you have a
female customer that's coming of age that wears a low cut blouse and
no bra... That's also not really done... It may be comfortable for her
boobs but I don't need to see THAT much... And when someone has a neat
figure, you know, like many of us dream to have (including me) and
he/she wears so baggy clothes that makes him/her look like the
Michellin Blimp... I'd almost feel like that's a waste of that lovely
figure! You can wear comfortable clothing and look good as well! But
when you wear like blue jeans, green sneakers and an orange
shirt...you can also combine some colors to make it look like it
belongs together. When you take an effort to chose some clothing that
suits together and is comfortable, that is kinda important to me. That
you took 5 minutes in the morning to make sure you present yourself in
the best possible (and comfortable) way.

The same with how someone wears their hair. My hair is very curly and
not easy to do anything with. Still I do spend some time each morning
to get it as good as it gets. And I think all of us could spare that
minute or two to look our best. But I know some people (and hair gel
companies) think it's cool to look like they just came out of bed. And
maybe they spend many minutes messing up their hair but I am not
really attracted to that sort of things... Most people find themselves
not looking their best when they come out of bed and then there are
people that want to look like that during the whole day. It just
doesn't cope with me. I wish I could do more with my hair than just
that ponytail. And maybe I am jealous at times of people that can do
so many things with their hair and then decide to make it messy for
fun. Some young people it can look good on, if they did it with care.
But when you grow older I do think you should set an example and make
something more of yourself. You are going to work somewhere and I
believe one should present him or herself in the best possible way at
work. To give a good impression, to show co-workers and customers that
you care enough to make yourself utmost presentable to them. It may
still be comfortable, of course... No problems with that.

I do hope that I have made myself a bit more understandable. So again,
I am not here to judge people and everyone is free to make their own
choices. This is only and merely a blog that contains my view and my
thoughts on stuff. You may agree or disagree, you may comment if you
like, it's all up to you! Don't worry, be happy! Or as said in Kenya &
The Lion King: Hakuna Matata.

I'll leave this at where it is now. I might continue this later
on...or not... Just keep checking, stay tuned and have a good day!

Much love & hugs,
TTFN Cynni xxx

From the outside looking in

Hello my dear and humble blog readers,

Here I am again. Today I am writing to you about something that has kept my mind rather occupied. I have been wondering if it's just me who is the outsider, different than "how the saying goes" people... I mean, people always say that it's more important how someone is from the inside than from the outside. That the real beauty lies within. I hope you understand what I mean. And I do know that you should not judge people just by their appearances but still I believe that how someone puts him or herself on this world does matter.

Some examples of what I mean...
If someone dresses in a way that makes you wonder if they're homeless, you'd be less likely to step up to that person for a conversation. Of the same person would dress in a way that is more to your liking, you will be more eager to start a conversation then. It's the clothes that make you in who you are, or so some big clothing franchises want you to believe. I do not agree totally but they do have a point though. The same with piercings and tattoos. Some people immediately avoid other people just because they show a tattoo (or more) and/or piercings. There are others who immediately are interested and start a conversation... The same with make-up, hair styles, facial expressions and total body expressions...

With the work I do, I know I try to "read" people with the way they put themselves in front of you (so clothing and all of the other things mentioned above). It kinda helps me to see if they are chaty people, serious people, happy or grumpy people and so on. To me, the outside is just as important as the inside personality. I could not be interested in someone if their total appearance would not be to my likings. If there were mixed things, so some positive and some negative, I'd be a bit more interested in getting into conversation... When I fell in love with both George and Joyce, it was merely because the way they looked in the beginning, before I really got to know them. The way they were at those times just got me totally 100% interested in getting to know the person him and herself.

And now, some years later, they can stil be more attractive, or less, by the way they put themselves out there. Their clothing, attitude, hairstyle... Even though I still love them and all, I can feel less attracted to them when their "style" does not suit my likings at that moment. It does not mean my love is over, but the healty "appetite" (to give it a name) will be less then. When they wear certain clothes or perfumes or...whatever it is they do at that moment, it can make me filled with lust...

Ah well, I guess you're getting the picture here and now. But now I wonder if it is not "normal" to feel this way. To react to these things in the way that I do. Is this really weird or is it normal but do most people just don't talk (or write) about it? That's what I've been wondering about the past few days. I've been questioning myself and my reactions. And it really made me cranky at times because I thought my feelings were absurd. And then I thought it was normal and then I just lay awake wondering what the f*ck is "normal"... Is there even a "normal" in this matter?

Soooo anywayyyyy....

Please leave me a comment to what your thoughts on this matter are. Or if you know me personally, send me an e-mail instead if you prefer that..

I am just in doubt and it doesn't do me or anyone in my neighbourhood any good... Thanks!

Much luv 'n hugz,
Cynni xxx