I believe…

You all know I am active on Facebook. Several great writers and actors as well as many good friends are on there too. Anne Rice, a very famous writer, is busy on research for her new books. Her old books dealt with vampires, the new ones deal with belief and religion. And she uses the internet a lot to check out people’s views on things. One of her questions got me thinking (ow ow Anne, what did you do???).

The following is what I know, how I experienced it. I haven’t done any research before writing this blog. I did put a lot of links in it to files at www.wikipedia.org. So if anyone wishes to know more about a topic, just click on the link.
I don’t mean anyone any harm! I know that religion can be a delicate thing for people and it is not my intention to look down on any religion. Everyone is in my opinion free to believe in what makes them happy. As long as no one pushes his/her religion to others. In many religions, as far as I know, is one of the main “rules” to harm no other living being. That’s what I believe in: believe what you wish but harm no one with it.

I have been raised as a Christian. I’ve been baptized, did the first communion and went to a Christian school. But after a while, more religious views were coming to the Netherlands. Of course, in the 70’s already many people from Turkey came to live in the Netherlands. And later on, many people from Morocco immigrated to the Netherlands. All the people that came to live in our country took their own religions with them. In the Netherlands, the main religions were Roman Catholicism and Protestantism. There were also people who survived World War 2 and stayed in the Netherlands after we were freed from the Nazi’s. These people were Jewish. So that was yet another religious believe that people in the Netherlands had. So the Catholics,Protestants and Jews followed the Bible in their own way, the Muslims followed the Qur’an.

As long as there has been religion, there have been religious wars. And that is one of the things I dislike about it. I know the Bible has a Golden Rule which works in two ways. It exists in both positive (generally structured in the form of "do to others what you would like to be done to you") and negative form (structured in the form of "do not do to others what you would not like to be done to you"). While similar, these forms are not strictly the same; they differ in what to do with what you would like to be done to you and the other party would not like to be done upon it. The negative form, known as the Silver Rule does directly not contain this while the positive form can exclude it indirectly with that you would like from others to check if you really like it, which is an example of using the golden rule in a context which makes it self-correcting, as argued in the criticisms section. This Golden Rule is also seen in other religions, though under another name and said with other words. In the Jewish Talmud this can be found: “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.” This is a quote from Hillel. These are just some things I have found using the wikipedia site. Of course, if you believe in a religion, I guess you already know how the “Golden Rule” implies to your religion and faith.

And in my opinion everyone is entitled to their believe, faith and religion. But WHY do people still have to fight? There have been reports on-line and in newspapers and you can also hear it when you talk with friends: many times a fight/war is based on religion. But why can’t people see Jesus and Allah as one and the same person. When you read the Bible or the Qur’an, it comes down to people believing in one “leader” of their faith and their followers. I have no problems with people who believe in any of the believes and follow their “rules”. But how come that people sometimes claim their wrong behavior, often dealing with pain or even death inflicting incidents, to their faith? Since their faith tells them that they are not allowed to hurt themselves nor others… If people think they should fight for their believe, I don’t think the best way is to fight with their hands and weapons. Since the faith doesn’t allow any violence… Or did I misunderstand it?

I believe there must be someone or something that makes the world go round. But I don’t really believe in giving him/her/it a name. I hope that others will let me live my life as I am with my belief and I will let others live with their own chosen religion. Don’t try to force any religion on me and I won’t interfere with theirs. Seems like a simple but good plan, right?

Let me know what you think. And again, no offence to any religion at all! If your religion/belief makes you happy, I am happy for you!

Well, that’s it for now folks!

Awake way too early…

Hello everyone,

this is an early morning blogpost. Normally, my alarm allows me to sleep till 6:20 am. But I have been awake a big part of the night and when my tummy needed a toilet brake around 5:50, I decided to get up. I am feeling quite nervous, anxious and maybe a bit scared. I know it is a normal conversation to have and it’s a risk you carry when having a company, that people may one day quit. but I am not sure if he saw this coming and in a way, I’m afraid I will hurt his feelings. I think that is what my feelings are truly about and why I am sleeping to lousy. I am afraid to disappoint my boss. Getting the feeling that I am letting him down. While it’s actually him that let me down by giving others the means of exploring themselves by giving them more responsibilities. By not allowing me some more access and involvement in daily things that are happening in the store.

So see, it wasn’t all totally useless that I have been laying awake for such a long time. I finally figured myself and my feelings out. I am scared that I will disappoint him instead of being able to be happy for myself for starting a new and more responsible job soon. Maybe I’m a bit scared too that the new job might be too much to handle for me. But I also know that I’ve got a lot of potential that isn’t being “taken advantage of” at my current position.

It’s just such a double feeling, as we say in the Netherlands. It’s like I have this big, old fashioned two-way scale in front of me and even though I have made my decision about taking the new job, I am still measuring all the odds and evens. I guess that is my insecure part deep inside of me, that’s taking over.

Ah well, I will go get dressed and feed the dogs. And be nervous… I keep telling myself that it’ll be OK. But I guess I won’t be able to believe that for myself until the day is over…

*sighs*

Cynni

Here it comes…

…here comes the weekend (© Roxette).

*I wanted to post a video of the song by Roxette here, but there was no good quality on YouTube yet… Am ripping my MTV Unplugged DVD, will need to edit to get the song and then upload it… Am working on it now...*

Just 2 more days that will be spend at work and then, it’s weekend already! But for me, it can’t be weekend soon enough. Work was OK though today, seeing it was a not too busy day and my boss had a day off. So we had everything spick and spam in no time and we even had some fun doing it.

I have been getting some nice comments of some dear friends on my previous posts and I really appreciate it! Thanks galls! I know I would be a dumb @$$ if I would not go with George and Joyce on vacation. But I am scared that I might spoil the fun. That’s why it keeps me wondering if I would be a total egoistic person if I would join, just because otherwise I would be scared to miss anything. On the other hand, I am not egoistic if I have so many doubts about it just because I do not want to spoil their moods. It is not easy, that is for sure. But hopefully I will be able to discuss this with Joyce and George as well (though it’s a bit harder with George, due to him being more stubborn than I am at times) that I might have some mood swings if I join and there might be times that I really need to be left alone to figure things out. I guess I would blame myself for not going, when I am here all alone and feeling down. And I also guess I would hit myself in the head for not going when they return with a lovely tan and all these experiences… So I guess my best guess is as good as yours and I might join them after all… I will need to talk about the sometimes needed a bit of time just for me, myself and I. But I think that it will work out… Don’t you think so?

 
The flag of the Dominic Republic.

A site with some pictures taken all around the Dominic Republic.

And some Google Earth images, so people who have no idea where the DR is, hopefully they know after reading-viewing this blog.

Some more info about the country can be found on this Wikipedia site. And many people have asked me how long our flight will approximately take. The answer to that question is: ±9 hours. The time zone of the DR (DR = Dominic Republic) is GMT-5 hours. Seeing the Netherlands is  GMT+1, there is a time difference of 6 hours.

I do hope that, especially for the ones who did not have a clue where the DR is, this blog post has made things a bit easier to understand. Otherwise, just download Google Earth™ and search for it!

I have been thinking a whole lot about myself, my situation and my feelings. Maybe because it was an easy day at work, I felt a bit more relaxed and allowed myself to do as I pleased. As I wrote before, all the work was done and in time, with fun. And that is what I have been missing so much. Fun at work. We’re supposed to work like we’re robots, and what’s the fun in that? if our work could be done by robots, we would have been replaced as soon as the market was ready for it. But I guess many people would hate to see robots running a store. No real people to interact with (or even nag at, at times!) and no feelings. Shopping, even grocery shopping, maybe especially grocery shopping, is done with feelings. You have to wonder what you like to eat, what you would like to “feed” the people you live with and how much time you’d like to spend cooking/preparing it. When you are in a hungry mood, you are bound to find your shopping basket fuller than you had intended.But the hunger makes you wish to buy more delicious things. And some people enjoy talking to us, talking with me, because some people know I will take an interest in them personally. Why else would I be able to call some customers by their first name? Some people even get mad if I use any polite forms (like madam or sir) when they have told me I need to just call them by their name? I have had some complaints in the almost 8 years but I have had many, many more compliments! And I think some people, if they wish to complain about anything they will, but making compliments is something that people normally don’t just do. I mean, when something is wrong on the register, they’ll complain immediately (well, some of them) but when things are OK, they usually take it for granted. So when people give you heart felt compliments, it does feel good. But when your boss tells you that you don’t work as he would like you to, you start to wonder if it is you who does anything wrong, or (seeing you get compliments) that your boss has a slightly weird idea or good and bad doing… And that is what makes me wonder so much, the good and bad perspective of things. It is important to keep your boss happy (is it?) but I believe it is even more important that the customers are happy! If you only do as your boss tells you and it creates a bad atmosphere in the store, a customer will not be eager to come back again. If the customer feels like his/her needs are filled and he/she is treated with respect, as a real guest of the store, he/she will be eager to come back and buy (maybe) even more the next time… Or is it just me who thinks like this?

I am now rendering the “Here comes the weekend” MTV unplugged video by Roxette. So when it is done, I can upload it to my YouTube™ and then finally add it to this blog post. It seems silly to tell you what I have been doing and am doing, when you don’t even notice it, because when you read this, it’s all ready and done.

I do hope that this blog will shed some more light on my current feelings, and even more, thoughts and perspective. I am always happy when you leave a comment, and I am even more grateful then, because I know some people read it, but by leaving me a comment, it shows a bit more how much you care.

I am starting to have some trouble writing now, I am getting quite tired, I guess. So I will post this blog now and promise you that as soon as I can post the video of today’s song, I will! Yeah, in case you haven’t noticed, I am trying to make a title based on a song, based on how I am feeling when I am writing the post. And, when ever possible, I will post the (YouTube™) video as well, so you are able to listen to the song, in case you don’t know it (yet).

TTFN everyone, thanks for caring!!!
Cynni xxx

If we changed it back again…

Things will never be the same

This is an un-official video, but the editing is just SO good that I wanted to share it with you on my blog.

First I’d like to thank my dear blog readers (& commenter's) on their sweet comments. I am still feeling unsure about what to do. And the silly thing is, that I really expected someone to comment like: you are insane if you are not going on vacation… But they is just the opposite off it all. And that makes me wonder… Even more than I already was wondering.I really do wish to go and I think I really deserve it (and yeah, I’ve paid for it already as well) but on the other hand, I am scared that my mood will f*ck up the holiday spirit for George and Joyce. I am afraid that because of my low self esteem lately, I will feel bad and because of that ruin there well earned days of sun, sea and delicious drinks. I am still in doubt and it feels weird. Even though I really wish to go, I also am afraid to go and mess things up. I know I am repeating myself but it is the thing that keeps my thoughts occupied these days, hours and minutes. I wish to have fun and relax and enjoy myself. I wish to feel better about myself again.

But the thing is: today I had my last physic therapy and I already told my boss (and wrote a note) in May. And soon I will have a day off before my vacation will start, to arrange everything and all. And today, he planned me the whole day and that extra day was planned in as well. I am not sure if he did it on purpose or not, but it did make me feel bad again. Like he’s teasing me, testing me how far I am willing to undergo and take it. As stated before, if he wants me off, he has to fire me… This is just one thing that makes me feel oh so insecure about myself. Makes me wonder if the work I do is appreciated and worthy. I know I do not earn as much as Joyce and I will never be able to earn as much as George. And I was used to the idea of him making more money and all, but the idea that someone 7 years younger with lesser experience earns the same (or even more) as I do now… It also adds to the wondering on how worthy I am. Seeing in the end of this month, I will work at my current location for 8 years already. And I know I have been absent for several whiles, but when I felt up to it, I always went to work. I even worked half days till about a week before my last surgery. And still I am told that I cost the company a lot of money… Other people would have called in sick 100% a long time before I have and I did my best. And I was also told that the last few weeks before that surgery, I was working “less fast” than was wanted. Yeah well, working on “tramadol” (painkillers) is still hard work, even if you don’t feel your pains and aches 100%… When I got that comment, I really had to hold back my tears, seeing I gave all I could when I could and still it clearly wasn’t enough.

So all that together, and with an extra added bad night’s rest (due to discomfort/muscle aches and nightmares) and a really low self image to begin with… Really made me feel like I did not matter. Like I just have to live to work and not work to be able to live. And when I had some time off from work, I would often spend it helping out George or Joyce (or both) with house chores. So no rest for my body as well. But if I would not help them, I would feel like I let them do all the hard work and I really want to do my part as well.

So now I am still in doubt about many things. Even though I have to admit I was really happy and excited when Steve opened up his prezzie during the voice chat with us and some dear other friends.

FINALLY I am able to post these pictures on my blog!!!

This surely made me very happy, but it also felt surreal. I am not sure if I can explain it, but I knew it would make Steve a very happy birthday boy *winks* and still I wished I would have been able to see his surprised expressions when he would pick the shirt out of the box and find out that it’s signed… And it was quite hard NOT to mention this “signing event” on my blog or board, because if he would real it anywhere, it would definitely spoil the surprise. Ah well, I am totally *yay* that it arrived safely and will now be framed as well *smiles*.

Usually, my working hours on Tuesday used to be from 8 till 17. Recently, as in the last 3 weeks, my boss has called me every Monday afternoon (at work or at home) to tell me that I have to start at 7:30.. *yay*… As said, I usually did not mind to work, but with all the real appreciation that has been shown, I really have to drag myself out of bed…

And now I am becoming so tired that I make errors in every 5 words I try to write, so I will upload this post and then get ready for a painful massage and then to go to bed.

TTFN,
Cynni

Windows Live Writer

I have recently updated my Windows Live Messenger. It came with several extra’s, which I all added (had enough disk space and was curious to what it all would be). I am now using the Windows Live Writer, which allows me to blog with all the extra’s that e-mail updates will not allow (embed pictures and video’s within a post and all) and I do not need to log in to BlogSpot.com every time to write my posts there. I do like the Windows add-on that allows you to add a map inside your post (as I did in my first post through this editor). It really is a WYSIWYG editor, which is very easy. The only thing I was struggling with, was the upload of my images. I kept getting a 403 “forbidden” error message, every time I tried to upload the images. But now, I have changed the settings so that my images will be send to my own ftp host, and that really make this Windows Live Writer work. *yippy*

Work today was shitty, to say the least… I requested yesterday, to be able to go home a bit earlier so I could get my vaccinations. My boss almost got a heart attack, saying it would be too busy for me to leave earlier. So I texted Joyce and she changed my appointment to the last possible date, June 3rd. And you know… Today was so fucking busy that two colleges were allowed to leave early and we did all the stuff that needed to be done in a record time!!! We have 4 cash registers. We had 7 cashiers in the morning, and 5 in the afternoon… I can understand that my boss can’t miss me on a busy day. But calling this busy would be the same as calling a mouse as big as an elephant. And then there were two people send home on a day that I could not be missed… I have to add that my boss normally always has the Thursday off from work, so he did not personally send them home. But at then end of the day, I was and am quite tired. So now, I will have next weeks Monday and Tuesday off (Monday is a national “free” day), and I’ll be in Disney then. On Wednesday, I have to work from 7:30 till 13 and be at the doc at 14:00, to finally receive my vaccinations. And Thursday I have to work all day. On Friday I have an appointment with my work’s health inspection precisely at noon. And then, another week is over. And our vacation is moving in slowly.

Chance is doing a whole lot better since her surgery last Tuesday. She is eating normally again, playing and jumping and her ears are warm and soft… When she came home on Tuesday, or more, when I came home after work, she had such cold ears… But she doesn’t seem really bothered by her 3 small scars/stitches. The only thing is, she is not allowed to swim for a week. Not until the stitches are taken out and the scars healed nicely.

I will ask Joyce to make some pictures of my latest tattoo this evening, and hopefully I will be able to post the pictures as soon as possible. So you can see how it looks like at the moment. :)

TTFN everyone! I’ll be back!
Cynni xxx

My blog posts and viewers/readers

Hello everyone!

Here I am, once again! I mentioned in my previous post that I do like my counter and it shows that I really have had a lot of visitors (especially since FedCon 18 and Per Gessle live in Amsterdam) but unfortunately, not many people leave a comment. So I am wondering: is it too hard to leave a short message behind after reading and viewing (my pictures and video's) ? Some of these posts take a lot of time for me to write and edit (especially the audiodubbed video's) and I would love to read a message thanking me for my work or for my post or anything! When I read other people's posts on their blogs/sites and they allow me to make a post without needing a log-in (when reading something where I do not have an account, and you can chose to post anonymously) I will post something for sure. Because I do appreciate their work and if it had not been anything I'd be interested in, I would not have read it in the first place. So it only takes like a minute or so to thank someone for sharing their vision/pictures/video's with you and I always like to think that the one whom I just thanked will appreciate mt comment as well.

So please, if you have enjoyed/read/watched any of my blogs, please take a minute and be so kind to let me know what you think of it. What you think could be improved. What you liked or disliked about the post. What your vision is. Or, if you were at the same thing (con, concert or anything like that), what your experiences were.

I really would appreciate your efforts and it would make my day :) And it's always nice to know that the people who are out there, here, reading this blog and by that way taking some interest in this blog... if they leave me a comment.

So on behalf of me, the creator, maintainer and writer of this blog:

A BIG THANK YOU

for

EVERYONE

who

LEAVES A (nice) COMMENT!

Loads of love and many hugs, I'll be back soon with updates about May 4th and May 11th... And of course I still need to finish my May 7th, Party Crasher, report as well. But I have started that post on my other pc (working from my laptop now) so I can't go on with that one at the moment.

TTFN,
Cynni xxx

Going up and going down

Just when you think that the arguments, fighting and long talks have helped, something else happens... Why can't something just go as planned and be done with it?

Even when I was a kid, I planned out a lot. And I usually meant for things to go according to that plan, otherwise, I'd be grumpy to plain mad even. I still plan a lot, though I can handle it a bit better when something doesn't go according to it. But I still love to plan, because it gives me something to hold on to, even when my mind is occupied with other stuff. I also try to plan things that include others with them from the start. I would have it if someone felt left out or could not participate due to me "forgetting" to include him/her in my plans. If you don't know me then I would almost redirect to to any of my close friends for a referral and I guess they'd all say the same thing about me concerning this point. When I want to organize something that is supposed to happen in May, I start e-mailing and calling people in January. That's just who I am. I do love to organize though, figure out the best way to make it suitable for everyone I'd like to attend and also making sure everyone who will be there will also leave with a good feeling about it. So that is a big part of me and who I am inside.

As I stated many times here before, I also love to follow up on my promises. When I have made a promise and I can't make it in time, be sure I will let the people involved know that as soon as I know it and I will feel shitty about it. Because I just hate to break a promise or even have to postpone one due to what ever reason you can think of. But that also means that when someone makes a promise to me, even how unimportant it may seem to them, it means a whole lot to me. Because you always make a promise when the other one is relying on you. When they can't handle it alone and need help in any way.
For example. I mean, I promise to cook and by doing so, I know others are counting on me to make a decent meal to fill their hungry tummies after a hard day at work. When I feel too tired to cook, I will always inform the others and ask if they are open for any suggestion (take away food like Chinese or Pizza). I do feel bad then because I really wanted to cook. But when my body doesn't have the energy left, I also know the meal may not be up to my standard as well. And that's also not good. But it's not like I wait for the others to get home hungry and then tell them there's no food. That would really not be good in my own opinion so I'd never do it.

I am just so fed up lately over the fact that some people really can't seem to understand how important these "silly" things are to me. Some people just take stuff for granted and that's all they will do. But me personally, I can be very hurt by breaking a stupid silly promise of sending a text message at a certain time of the day. And when that does not happen, I am sad... I feel like I am not important enough to even receive that promised message. And yes, that might seem stupid. Some would even call it crazy. But the thought of the promise of such a silly little thing, makes me feel more important and connected with the person who made that promise. Because in that way you know they are still thinking of you and willing to take just a small bit of time to dedicate it to you. I don't need to receive like the biggest send message ever. Just the promised part will do perfectly for my satisfaction. And so on with other silly little things... But all those little things eventually pile up into a huge big thing. And when that happens, it's kinda already too late, I guess... But in the beginning you think: a just one thing, that would never happen to me but it could happen to people less "dedicated" to these silly things of mine. But after a while I will start to wonder if I did something wrong in order to be "forgotten" or "left out" or even lied to. Because if I treat people with honesty, respect and keep to my promises, I would hope people would appreciate that and treat me in the same way. So when the previous mentioned things happen, I am wondering if I did something wrong to deserve it. And that usually takes some restless nights and when I can't think of anything, I feel even more sad than I did when I thought it WAS my fault... Seeing I have always been like this ever since I was a kid and can remember, I guess I will have trouble changing these personality points. But I am not sure if I'd want to change them though. Because I do think they are all very worthy and good to maintain a decent friendship and/or relationship. But on the other hand, don't they make me an easier "target" to feel bad about myself, to feel disappointed and/or even hurt? So I am back to laying awake and wondering about myself again.

I know that, all the positive and negative things about me will eventually lead to positive. Otherwise I would not get all the positive feedback from many, many customers at my work. And I really value that feedback, also the negative bits, because it makes me feel worthy of the work I do. Knowing that the people I help are satisfied and feel they got a good service. That is what the biggest part of my work is all about. Service and satisfaction towards and from the customers. I always aim to help them in the best and polite ways possible. And that surely has gained me some good connections with some of our dear customers. And even when I feel like s*it, I just work and try to filter all the negativity that is inside of me at that moment out, so the customer will not be troubled by it. It can be hard and some people do tend to think that I am always a happy person. I do tell them that I try to keep my work and personal emotions separate, so I can focus on giving them a good service. And I also tell them it is not always easy, but it's for both their and my own best intentions. When I am being grumpy at work, the customers will react to that, making my day even more bad than it already was. But when I give my best, they will react more positive, making my day just a bit brighter.

Ah well, as I mentioned in the first lines of this post: why do things always have to go wrong when you are just hoping that they were going right??? I really feel that my trust is broken in many different ways. And every time I get some reassurance that it will be better and I am putting some hope in it because I really long for it to go better...it goes bad again. So again my hope's been flushed away. Again I stand there feeling like a numb-nut, worthless of just about anything I can think of at that moment.

So then I start wondering if it is right to give people the "freedom" to make me feel this way over and over again. When is it time to put an end to it, if possible? When is it time to really build something again instead of tearing everything down? I believe in a good foundation for any kind of relationship that I go into. If it is merely a friendship or a love relation, I need a foundation to rely on. To know that there is a safe haven for me to fall back to when things are just getting to be a bit too much for me. But to also know that because of that foundation, we stand strong and can survive just about anything that comes our way. But what is you feel that that foundation is made of bad concrete and it is slowly falling away beneath your feet?

I guess that is also a big part of why I have nightmares and wake up remembering nothing but a sad sense of loss. Maybe it's not about a person but about that foundation. About a relationship's base that is falling away and I feel there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried all I could think of. Being honest, being fair and open, being respectful and reliable... even at times being mad and feeling like I am talking to that concrete instead of the person who is sharing it with me (if you know what I mean).

I was very tired and lay in bed at 10 pm this evening. All alone. George had car troubles and Joyce a dinner. I lay there and almost fell asleep and then George came home, making enough noise for me to know he was home again. About half an hour later, my feet finally warm enough for me to doze off again, Joyce gets home. When she came to bed, smelling like a cigarette with deodorant, I just woke because I got nauseated of that smell. She quit smoking because I can't stand it! Although she has not been totally honest on the way about the quitting since... And now when during the dinner some people needed to smoke she joined them...just to talk... But I know not all people in that group smoke so why should everyone go stand outside for that? The smokers could go out and the non smokers could stay in. But she joined, just for a talk, and then thinks brushing her teeth and using waaaaay too much deodorant will make me not notice it. So I went to my attic room and made room for the bad sleeping couch, grabbed my pillow and a sleeping bag...and been online ever since. Since I can't understand her "reasoning" and maybe it is the truth, she'd know from experience that she would take that ugle smell with her to bed... And I would notice. So she could have thought about me and my dislike about it and NOT have gone outside with the smokers... I'd like to trust her, but she lied to me before about this and I guess the trust is over and done with. So I was sleepy and tired and now it's 2,5 hours later, I am still awake, have to get up in 6 hours, work in 7 and I feel betrayed once again...

I just don't know what to think anymore. I just can't seem to understand why it is so hard to keep my feelings about things in the back of your head before you do something. For example, if I knew that George hates the smell of cigarettes (which he also does) and I would go out, I would also keep in mind that we share a bed and make sure NOT to smell like it when I try to cuddle up with him at bedtime. I don't smoke though, but some friends I know do. I try to keep out of the wind when I am with them and even they keep in mind that I find smoking disgusting! So why can other people who are honest about their smoking habit and don't even share a bed with me take notice of my dislike and keep that in mind and why can't someone that I do share a bed with not keep that in mind? When you want to sleep you don't want to smell something you find disgusting. It's not a good help for falling asleep. At least not for me it is... *sighs*

Why do things that seem normal and easy to me have to be so hard to receive them from others??? Am I a moron for having these standards? Am I the main issue and the biggest problem? I just don't know what to think of myself at times like these. I know I should be sleeping but I just can't. I needed to write all these thoughs away, to share them with friends and maybe some complete strangers who just happen to come to this blog. I had to get these thoughts to (what used to be) paper so I am also able to re-read them many times over.

I guess in the end it is me who is to blame for the way I am feeling. I am the one who tries to live by these silly "rules" so I am the one who is making it difficult for others... Am I?

Lost in love

@ my attic room, behind my pc
♫ Bertolf: Not bringing me down (For Life album)
☼ None to be seen, only rain and more rain



♫ Not bringing me down

With your hand I was complete
now you're out of sight
That first time I could hardly see no light
but gone are the nights I couldn't sleep
I couldn't close my eyes
gone ate the cays
I could hardly keep from crying

(Chorus)
Cause I'm alright
Yeah I'm alright
It's not bringing me down
No more

Thought I could never get over you
it'd take a lot of time
Thought I could never love someone new
but why?
Well, that was a surprise cause I...

Chorus

Well, it hurt so much
but it doesn't hurt no more
When I'm looking for love
it doesn't lead me
To your door
tried to forget you so hard
Can't remember what it's for

Chorus

While listening to this song (again) I just started to write. It is not an autobiography or anything. Just my thoughts going *swoosh* and controlling my hands into typing this... This might make you wonder, this might make you skip this post. I dunno what you will do. I think I do care though, seeing I love to reach out to others and try to open up discussions about stuff. About things that I care about, things that make me think and wonder...

Lost in love

You hold me so close, though it feels like you're miles away. Your thoughts are not with you, with us, and it troubles me. I want to look you in the eyes and hope they will tell me where you are. But your eyes are closed, tears slowly escaping your lashes. Your grip on me tightens and it's getting hard to breathe. But I don't mind. Don't mind at all. Because as long as you're holding me, I know part of you is still around to be found. I want to talk to you, to ask you what's wrong. But I know it would be worthless and I will have to wait for you to start the talking. But you only deeply inhale and then you stutter while exhaling and the tears keep rolling down your cheeks.

You need me, maybe more or less than I need you. But I know that as long as we both believe in what's right, we are strong enough to make it though. I am not that strong or tough, but for you I will give my last bit of energy. As long as I know it will help you and I can count on you catching me when I fall. As long as I know that I'm not alone in all this.

All this going down around us. Making us bend and shape again and again. Twisting us into it's ways. Controlling it would be something we'd probably never totally accomplish. Since it is the way of the world, of the humans that live on it and the way they do that. People that you know can really affect you, make you do things that you normally wouldn't even dream of of doing it. But still, you feel there is no other way to do it, no other way out (or in).

And while I am holding you as tight as you are holding me I keep on thinking about how you were treated. How people have used you, and me too, and there was nothing you could directly do against it. You had to endure it, day after day. Making you both stronger but also really vulnerable. I saw you and know you were (and are) special. But you couldn't see it, not in a million years. The way you were treated and you were told that you were everything but special, you started to believe it. How could it not be true after hearing it so many times? How could it not be true when people who you thought meant everything to you were the ones telling you this? And now, now you are told that you are special and all. Why should this person lie to you and try to convince you of something that you're not? Or maybe, just maybe, that one person was right and you were lied to for a big part of your life. Trying to control you in a very mean way and *damn* they did conquer your soul. They had you on a leash all along. And then you wonder WHY WHY WHY??? To what use? Why use me? Why was I used?

While your mind is running all these questions again and again, the tears keep escaping from behind your eyelids, falling of your lashes and rolling down your cheeks. They are forming a river of loneliness. A river of pain that you endured all this time, keeping it inside because you thought you did not matter.

And now, you are lost. Lost in love and your thoughts. I keep on trying to get you back. Get you to talk to me. Get you to open up and see you can really trust me. Let you know that I do think you are really special and not just because I need you to do something for me.

Holding me tight, your breathing relaxes a bit. The in- and exhales are slowing down, less deep, less throbbing. Slowly your head tilts a bit towards mine and your eyes give in to opening up to me. While I am looking you in your eyes, I am the one getting lost in love...

The process of thinking

@ my attic room, behind my pc
♫ Bertolf: Not bringing me down (For Life album)
☼ None to be seen, only rain and more rain

Some times you just sit down and think. Not about anything in particular. Not about anything, really, at all. Just random things that keep your mind occupied and have you staring at the wall for what seem like minutes (but can turn into hours when no one is home to miss you around) and you don't even notice.

I've had some of those moments, well a lot of them, but mostly when I'm home alone. During the last month of 2008 I've been writing a lot about those thoughts in my journal, as I also mentioned in my blog here. I sat down and thought about the things that made me sad in 2008. Things that made me feel depressed and some times nearly made me on my way to the nut house... But I also thought about the positive things that happened. And some times, the negative outweighs the positive and that can make me quite sad. But still I am thankful that there are positive things that made me able to go on and on despite all the negative influences that were affecting me.

At times, I am the one who sits down and can flow away in my thoughs and just sail that flow as it goes. And at other times, I feel the urge to grab that journal of mine again and get writing till my hand tells me it's almost broken beyond repair and it seriously needs a rest.

As you might have read on my old (may it rest in peace Ϯ) blog or maybe even on this one, I do tend to try to get myself in too deep at times. I try too hard to imagine what someone else might feel when something happens. I try too much at times to really understand that person I am focused on then and I can't help it. I even feel shitty when someone I know makes a rude comment to someone else I know and all my alarms go off inside telling me I should really make a comment about that rudeness. Maybe this is all too confusing for you or maybe I am just too clumsy with trying to describing it all... And now I am thinking about it, maybe this is a thing that got me into fights all the time. Maybe I was too sensitive and others who could not comprehend just wanted to deal with that by beating me (see this previous post for a little more info on that). The way I see things when looking at people sometimes even scares me a bit. The better I know the persons face I'm looking at, the more I can see.

For example: when a dear customer at my work looks at me while talking, I can see how he/she is feeling. I even made a comment once to a girl that she looked sadder than ever and she was so surprised that I could even notice. She then told me her grandma was hurried to the hospital the previous evening and she was very worried about her. That girl was a regular customer, she attends a nearby school and I did not even know her name... But when I get to know people better, for example Joyce, she can't tell a lie to me while I'm looking at her. I just see that it isn't right...

As written, maybe I do spend too much time trying to see things from the other sides than my own. That can be seen as a bad thing but I try to see it as something positive, something that makes me who I am. A personality is shaped by it's abilities and well, this one is shaping part of mine.

I know I am rambling a lot and you might think: bugger! Why did I spend my time reading this all? Or maybe you find it interesting or...? Well, I have made comments before about loving to receive comments, so please do not hesitate! I love to read about others views on things (if only to make me think again about things) so if you've read this and have something to share with me on this all: please do so. Thank you!

This may be continued...