Today was another long day at work, from 7:30 till 17 (again!). Work went kind OK though, but the hours seemed to go way to slow. Around 15:30, I felt really hot and dizzy and not a bit nauseated. And because of this, I started to get a headache as well. But I held on till 17 and then quickly went home. I ate some dry bread (roasted) with bouillon and now I am here, posting.
I’d like to thank all my dear friends who have been supporting me the last few days! Thanks everyone, it really helps to know I got you to fall back on to when the going gets though.
I am a bit too tired to write a whole, long post. And I don’t have a lot of interesting stuff to tell. Only that, if Joyce succeeds this Friday morning in getting the tickets, she and Steph and I will see Rammstein live in Arnhem, on December 6th. I am really hoping she can log in in time to get 3 tickets. I just want seats though, no boots against my head! Haha!
Some good news though, before I go ahead and post this blog already: I will pack my suitcase in a few minutes…
Much love and many hugs, will keep you updated! TTFN, Cynni xxx
This is an un-official video, but the editing is just SO good that I wanted to share it with you on my blog.
First I’d like to thank my dear blog readers (& commenter's) on their sweet comments. I am still feeling unsure about what to do. And the silly thing is, that I really expected someone to comment like: you are insane if you are not going on vacation… But they is just the opposite off it all. And that makes me wonder… Even more than I already was wondering.I really do wish to go and I think I really deserve it (and yeah, I’ve paid for it already as well) but on the other hand, I am scared that my mood will f*ck up the holiday spirit for George and Joyce. I am afraid that because of my low self esteem lately, I will feel bad and because of that ruin there well earned days of sun, sea and delicious drinks. I am still in doubt and it feels weird. Even though I really wish to go, I also am afraid to go and mess things up. I know I am repeating myself but it is the thing that keeps my thoughts occupied these days, hours and minutes. I wish to have fun and relax and enjoy myself. I wish to feel better about myself again.
But the thing is: today I had my last physic therapy and I already told my boss (and wrote a note) in May. And soon I will have a day off before my vacation will start, to arrange everything and all. And today, he planned me the whole day and that extra day was planned in as well. I am not sure if he did it on purpose or not, but it did make me feel bad again. Like he’s teasing me, testing me how far I am willing to undergo and take it. As stated before, if he wants me off, he has to fire me… This is just one thing that makes me feel oh so insecure about myself. Makes me wonder if the work I do is appreciated and worthy. I know I do not earn as much as Joyce and I will never be able to earn as much as George. And I was used to the idea of him making more money and all, but the idea that someone 7 years younger with lesser experience earns the same (or even more) as I do now… It also adds to the wondering on how worthy I am. Seeing in the end of this month, I will work at my current location for 8 years already. And I know I have been absent for several whiles, but when I felt up to it, I always went to work. I even worked half days till about a week before my last surgery. And still I am told that I cost the company a lot of money… Other people would have called in sick 100% a long time before I have and I did my best. And I was also told that the last few weeks before that surgery, I was working “less fast” than was wanted. Yeah well, working on “tramadol” (painkillers) is still hard work, even if you don’t feel your pains and aches 100%… When I got that comment, I really had to hold back my tears, seeing I gave all I could when I could and still it clearly wasn’t enough.
So all that together, and with an extra added bad night’s rest (due to discomfort/muscle aches and nightmares) and a really low self image to begin with… Really made me feel like I did not matter. Like I just have to live to work and not work to be able to live. And when I had some time off from work, I would often spend it helping out George or Joyce (or both) with house chores. So no rest for my body as well. But if I would not help them, I would feel like I let them do all the hard work and I really want to do my part as well.
So now I am still in doubt about many things. Even though I have to admit I was really happy and excited when Steve opened up his prezzie during the voice chat with us and some dear other friends.
FINALLY I am able to post these pictures on my blog!!!
This surely made me very happy, but it also felt surreal. I am not sure if I can explain it, but I knew it would make Steve a very happy birthday boy *winks* and still I wished I would have been able to see his surprised expressions when he would pick the shirt out of the box and find out that it’s signed… And it was quite hard NOT to mention this “signing event” on my blog or board, because if he would real it anywhere, it would definitely spoil the surprise. Ah well, I am totally *yay* that it arrived safely and will now be framed as well *smiles*.
Usually, my working hours on Tuesday used to be from 8 till 17. Recently, as in the last 3 weeks, my boss has called me every Monday afternoon (at work or at home) to tell me that I have to start at 7:30.. *yay*… As said, I usually did not mind to work, but with all the real appreciation that has been shown, I really have to drag myself out of bed…
And now I am becoming so tired that I make errors in every 5 words I try to write, so I will upload this post and then get ready for a painful massage and then to go to bed.
Can't you feel a brand new day can't you feel a brand new day...
I know it's a brand new day, but I feel more tired after each and every night. I wish I could sleep well. I wish I could fall asleep and, for once even, wake up feeling rested and new. All I feel is my muscles and a growing headache. I know, I shouldn't complain too much. But it's been going for several weeks now. And when I did not need to work, I could take it easy each and every day. Now I am working 3 half days each week, to get into the groove again and though it's going well, it's hard too. Seeing I sleep about 4 hours maximum each night. And when I go to bed earlier I'll just be lying awake more. Tried that, but unfortunately it doesn't help.
My dear friend Steph informed me that she won't be coming over next weekend to prevent misunderstandings and all. I totally understand, though I must admit that I was looking forward to spending some time with her. Ah well, luckily we'll see each other again on March 7th *smile* And, if all goes well, there's always those Skype calls we're going to make (much cheaper than cellphone rates...).
I have to get down and make my bread to take along to work. From 8 till 13 today. I hope all goes well. I will take some painkiller along seeing my head feels like it's about to explode! Ah well, keep breathing and hopefully it'll be alright soon.
Ta-ta for now, wishing you all a good day and/or night *winks*
I am interested in many things, I guess too much to mention. If you wish to know more about me, just catch up on my blog every now and then. Or check out the links on my blog to my own site and OMWF&F board. And if there's even more you wish to know, log in and leave me a comment!
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