Here it comes…

…here comes the weekend (© Roxette).

*I wanted to post a video of the song by Roxette here, but there was no good quality on YouTube yet… Am ripping my MTV Unplugged DVD, will need to edit to get the song and then upload it… Am working on it now...*

Just 2 more days that will be spend at work and then, it’s weekend already! But for me, it can’t be weekend soon enough. Work was OK though today, seeing it was a not too busy day and my boss had a day off. So we had everything spick and spam in no time and we even had some fun doing it.

I have been getting some nice comments of some dear friends on my previous posts and I really appreciate it! Thanks galls! I know I would be a dumb @$$ if I would not go with George and Joyce on vacation. But I am scared that I might spoil the fun. That’s why it keeps me wondering if I would be a total egoistic person if I would join, just because otherwise I would be scared to miss anything. On the other hand, I am not egoistic if I have so many doubts about it just because I do not want to spoil their moods. It is not easy, that is for sure. But hopefully I will be able to discuss this with Joyce and George as well (though it’s a bit harder with George, due to him being more stubborn than I am at times) that I might have some mood swings if I join and there might be times that I really need to be left alone to figure things out. I guess I would blame myself for not going, when I am here all alone and feeling down. And I also guess I would hit myself in the head for not going when they return with a lovely tan and all these experiences… So I guess my best guess is as good as yours and I might join them after all… I will need to talk about the sometimes needed a bit of time just for me, myself and I. But I think that it will work out… Don’t you think so?

 
The flag of the Dominic Republic.

A site with some pictures taken all around the Dominic Republic.

And some Google Earth images, so people who have no idea where the DR is, hopefully they know after reading-viewing this blog.

Some more info about the country can be found on this Wikipedia site. And many people have asked me how long our flight will approximately take. The answer to that question is: ±9 hours. The time zone of the DR (DR = Dominic Republic) is GMT-5 hours. Seeing the Netherlands is  GMT+1, there is a time difference of 6 hours.

I do hope that, especially for the ones who did not have a clue where the DR is, this blog post has made things a bit easier to understand. Otherwise, just download Google Earth™ and search for it!

I have been thinking a whole lot about myself, my situation and my feelings. Maybe because it was an easy day at work, I felt a bit more relaxed and allowed myself to do as I pleased. As I wrote before, all the work was done and in time, with fun. And that is what I have been missing so much. Fun at work. We’re supposed to work like we’re robots, and what’s the fun in that? if our work could be done by robots, we would have been replaced as soon as the market was ready for it. But I guess many people would hate to see robots running a store. No real people to interact with (or even nag at, at times!) and no feelings. Shopping, even grocery shopping, maybe especially grocery shopping, is done with feelings. You have to wonder what you like to eat, what you would like to “feed” the people you live with and how much time you’d like to spend cooking/preparing it. When you are in a hungry mood, you are bound to find your shopping basket fuller than you had intended.But the hunger makes you wish to buy more delicious things. And some people enjoy talking to us, talking with me, because some people know I will take an interest in them personally. Why else would I be able to call some customers by their first name? Some people even get mad if I use any polite forms (like madam or sir) when they have told me I need to just call them by their name? I have had some complaints in the almost 8 years but I have had many, many more compliments! And I think some people, if they wish to complain about anything they will, but making compliments is something that people normally don’t just do. I mean, when something is wrong on the register, they’ll complain immediately (well, some of them) but when things are OK, they usually take it for granted. So when people give you heart felt compliments, it does feel good. But when your boss tells you that you don’t work as he would like you to, you start to wonder if it is you who does anything wrong, or (seeing you get compliments) that your boss has a slightly weird idea or good and bad doing… And that is what makes me wonder so much, the good and bad perspective of things. It is important to keep your boss happy (is it?) but I believe it is even more important that the customers are happy! If you only do as your boss tells you and it creates a bad atmosphere in the store, a customer will not be eager to come back again. If the customer feels like his/her needs are filled and he/she is treated with respect, as a real guest of the store, he/she will be eager to come back and buy (maybe) even more the next time… Or is it just me who thinks like this?

I am now rendering the “Here comes the weekend” MTV unplugged video by Roxette. So when it is done, I can upload it to my YouTube™ and then finally add it to this blog post. It seems silly to tell you what I have been doing and am doing, when you don’t even notice it, because when you read this, it’s all ready and done.

I do hope that this blog will shed some more light on my current feelings, and even more, thoughts and perspective. I am always happy when you leave a comment, and I am even more grateful then, because I know some people read it, but by leaving me a comment, it shows a bit more how much you care.

I am starting to have some trouble writing now, I am getting quite tired, I guess. So I will post this blog now and promise you that as soon as I can post the video of today’s song, I will! Yeah, in case you haven’t noticed, I am trying to make a title based on a song, based on how I am feeling when I am writing the post. And, when ever possible, I will post the (YouTube™) video as well, so you are able to listen to the song, in case you don’t know it (yet).

TTFN everyone, thanks for caring!!!
Cynni xxx

If we changed it back again…

Things will never be the same

This is an un-official video, but the editing is just SO good that I wanted to share it with you on my blog.

First I’d like to thank my dear blog readers (& commenter's) on their sweet comments. I am still feeling unsure about what to do. And the silly thing is, that I really expected someone to comment like: you are insane if you are not going on vacation… But they is just the opposite off it all. And that makes me wonder… Even more than I already was wondering.I really do wish to go and I think I really deserve it (and yeah, I’ve paid for it already as well) but on the other hand, I am scared that my mood will f*ck up the holiday spirit for George and Joyce. I am afraid that because of my low self esteem lately, I will feel bad and because of that ruin there well earned days of sun, sea and delicious drinks. I am still in doubt and it feels weird. Even though I really wish to go, I also am afraid to go and mess things up. I know I am repeating myself but it is the thing that keeps my thoughts occupied these days, hours and minutes. I wish to have fun and relax and enjoy myself. I wish to feel better about myself again.

But the thing is: today I had my last physic therapy and I already told my boss (and wrote a note) in May. And soon I will have a day off before my vacation will start, to arrange everything and all. And today, he planned me the whole day and that extra day was planned in as well. I am not sure if he did it on purpose or not, but it did make me feel bad again. Like he’s teasing me, testing me how far I am willing to undergo and take it. As stated before, if he wants me off, he has to fire me… This is just one thing that makes me feel oh so insecure about myself. Makes me wonder if the work I do is appreciated and worthy. I know I do not earn as much as Joyce and I will never be able to earn as much as George. And I was used to the idea of him making more money and all, but the idea that someone 7 years younger with lesser experience earns the same (or even more) as I do now… It also adds to the wondering on how worthy I am. Seeing in the end of this month, I will work at my current location for 8 years already. And I know I have been absent for several whiles, but when I felt up to it, I always went to work. I even worked half days till about a week before my last surgery. And still I am told that I cost the company a lot of money… Other people would have called in sick 100% a long time before I have and I did my best. And I was also told that the last few weeks before that surgery, I was working “less fast” than was wanted. Yeah well, working on “tramadol” (painkillers) is still hard work, even if you don’t feel your pains and aches 100%… When I got that comment, I really had to hold back my tears, seeing I gave all I could when I could and still it clearly wasn’t enough.

So all that together, and with an extra added bad night’s rest (due to discomfort/muscle aches and nightmares) and a really low self image to begin with… Really made me feel like I did not matter. Like I just have to live to work and not work to be able to live. And when I had some time off from work, I would often spend it helping out George or Joyce (or both) with house chores. So no rest for my body as well. But if I would not help them, I would feel like I let them do all the hard work and I really want to do my part as well.

So now I am still in doubt about many things. Even though I have to admit I was really happy and excited when Steve opened up his prezzie during the voice chat with us and some dear other friends.

FINALLY I am able to post these pictures on my blog!!!

This surely made me very happy, but it also felt surreal. I am not sure if I can explain it, but I knew it would make Steve a very happy birthday boy *winks* and still I wished I would have been able to see his surprised expressions when he would pick the shirt out of the box and find out that it’s signed… And it was quite hard NOT to mention this “signing event” on my blog or board, because if he would real it anywhere, it would definitely spoil the surprise. Ah well, I am totally *yay* that it arrived safely and will now be framed as well *smiles*.

Usually, my working hours on Tuesday used to be from 8 till 17. Recently, as in the last 3 weeks, my boss has called me every Monday afternoon (at work or at home) to tell me that I have to start at 7:30.. *yay*… As said, I usually did not mind to work, but with all the real appreciation that has been shown, I really have to drag myself out of bed…

And now I am becoming so tired that I make errors in every 5 words I try to write, so I will upload this post and then get ready for a painful massage and then to go to bed.

TTFN,
Cynni

Going up and going down

Just when you think that the arguments, fighting and long talks have helped, something else happens... Why can't something just go as planned and be done with it?

Even when I was a kid, I planned out a lot. And I usually meant for things to go according to that plan, otherwise, I'd be grumpy to plain mad even. I still plan a lot, though I can handle it a bit better when something doesn't go according to it. But I still love to plan, because it gives me something to hold on to, even when my mind is occupied with other stuff. I also try to plan things that include others with them from the start. I would have it if someone felt left out or could not participate due to me "forgetting" to include him/her in my plans. If you don't know me then I would almost redirect to to any of my close friends for a referral and I guess they'd all say the same thing about me concerning this point. When I want to organize something that is supposed to happen in May, I start e-mailing and calling people in January. That's just who I am. I do love to organize though, figure out the best way to make it suitable for everyone I'd like to attend and also making sure everyone who will be there will also leave with a good feeling about it. So that is a big part of me and who I am inside.

As I stated many times here before, I also love to follow up on my promises. When I have made a promise and I can't make it in time, be sure I will let the people involved know that as soon as I know it and I will feel shitty about it. Because I just hate to break a promise or even have to postpone one due to what ever reason you can think of. But that also means that when someone makes a promise to me, even how unimportant it may seem to them, it means a whole lot to me. Because you always make a promise when the other one is relying on you. When they can't handle it alone and need help in any way.
For example. I mean, I promise to cook and by doing so, I know others are counting on me to make a decent meal to fill their hungry tummies after a hard day at work. When I feel too tired to cook, I will always inform the others and ask if they are open for any suggestion (take away food like Chinese or Pizza). I do feel bad then because I really wanted to cook. But when my body doesn't have the energy left, I also know the meal may not be up to my standard as well. And that's also not good. But it's not like I wait for the others to get home hungry and then tell them there's no food. That would really not be good in my own opinion so I'd never do it.

I am just so fed up lately over the fact that some people really can't seem to understand how important these "silly" things are to me. Some people just take stuff for granted and that's all they will do. But me personally, I can be very hurt by breaking a stupid silly promise of sending a text message at a certain time of the day. And when that does not happen, I am sad... I feel like I am not important enough to even receive that promised message. And yes, that might seem stupid. Some would even call it crazy. But the thought of the promise of such a silly little thing, makes me feel more important and connected with the person who made that promise. Because in that way you know they are still thinking of you and willing to take just a small bit of time to dedicate it to you. I don't need to receive like the biggest send message ever. Just the promised part will do perfectly for my satisfaction. And so on with other silly little things... But all those little things eventually pile up into a huge big thing. And when that happens, it's kinda already too late, I guess... But in the beginning you think: a just one thing, that would never happen to me but it could happen to people less "dedicated" to these silly things of mine. But after a while I will start to wonder if I did something wrong in order to be "forgotten" or "left out" or even lied to. Because if I treat people with honesty, respect and keep to my promises, I would hope people would appreciate that and treat me in the same way. So when the previous mentioned things happen, I am wondering if I did something wrong to deserve it. And that usually takes some restless nights and when I can't think of anything, I feel even more sad than I did when I thought it WAS my fault... Seeing I have always been like this ever since I was a kid and can remember, I guess I will have trouble changing these personality points. But I am not sure if I'd want to change them though. Because I do think they are all very worthy and good to maintain a decent friendship and/or relationship. But on the other hand, don't they make me an easier "target" to feel bad about myself, to feel disappointed and/or even hurt? So I am back to laying awake and wondering about myself again.

I know that, all the positive and negative things about me will eventually lead to positive. Otherwise I would not get all the positive feedback from many, many customers at my work. And I really value that feedback, also the negative bits, because it makes me feel worthy of the work I do. Knowing that the people I help are satisfied and feel they got a good service. That is what the biggest part of my work is all about. Service and satisfaction towards and from the customers. I always aim to help them in the best and polite ways possible. And that surely has gained me some good connections with some of our dear customers. And even when I feel like s*it, I just work and try to filter all the negativity that is inside of me at that moment out, so the customer will not be troubled by it. It can be hard and some people do tend to think that I am always a happy person. I do tell them that I try to keep my work and personal emotions separate, so I can focus on giving them a good service. And I also tell them it is not always easy, but it's for both their and my own best intentions. When I am being grumpy at work, the customers will react to that, making my day even more bad than it already was. But when I give my best, they will react more positive, making my day just a bit brighter.

Ah well, as I mentioned in the first lines of this post: why do things always have to go wrong when you are just hoping that they were going right??? I really feel that my trust is broken in many different ways. And every time I get some reassurance that it will be better and I am putting some hope in it because I really long for it to go better...it goes bad again. So again my hope's been flushed away. Again I stand there feeling like a numb-nut, worthless of just about anything I can think of at that moment.

So then I start wondering if it is right to give people the "freedom" to make me feel this way over and over again. When is it time to put an end to it, if possible? When is it time to really build something again instead of tearing everything down? I believe in a good foundation for any kind of relationship that I go into. If it is merely a friendship or a love relation, I need a foundation to rely on. To know that there is a safe haven for me to fall back to when things are just getting to be a bit too much for me. But to also know that because of that foundation, we stand strong and can survive just about anything that comes our way. But what is you feel that that foundation is made of bad concrete and it is slowly falling away beneath your feet?

I guess that is also a big part of why I have nightmares and wake up remembering nothing but a sad sense of loss. Maybe it's not about a person but about that foundation. About a relationship's base that is falling away and I feel there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried all I could think of. Being honest, being fair and open, being respectful and reliable... even at times being mad and feeling like I am talking to that concrete instead of the person who is sharing it with me (if you know what I mean).

I was very tired and lay in bed at 10 pm this evening. All alone. George had car troubles and Joyce a dinner. I lay there and almost fell asleep and then George came home, making enough noise for me to know he was home again. About half an hour later, my feet finally warm enough for me to doze off again, Joyce gets home. When she came to bed, smelling like a cigarette with deodorant, I just woke because I got nauseated of that smell. She quit smoking because I can't stand it! Although she has not been totally honest on the way about the quitting since... And now when during the dinner some people needed to smoke she joined them...just to talk... But I know not all people in that group smoke so why should everyone go stand outside for that? The smokers could go out and the non smokers could stay in. But she joined, just for a talk, and then thinks brushing her teeth and using waaaaay too much deodorant will make me not notice it. So I went to my attic room and made room for the bad sleeping couch, grabbed my pillow and a sleeping bag...and been online ever since. Since I can't understand her "reasoning" and maybe it is the truth, she'd know from experience that she would take that ugle smell with her to bed... And I would notice. So she could have thought about me and my dislike about it and NOT have gone outside with the smokers... I'd like to trust her, but she lied to me before about this and I guess the trust is over and done with. So I was sleepy and tired and now it's 2,5 hours later, I am still awake, have to get up in 6 hours, work in 7 and I feel betrayed once again...

I just don't know what to think anymore. I just can't seem to understand why it is so hard to keep my feelings about things in the back of your head before you do something. For example, if I knew that George hates the smell of cigarettes (which he also does) and I would go out, I would also keep in mind that we share a bed and make sure NOT to smell like it when I try to cuddle up with him at bedtime. I don't smoke though, but some friends I know do. I try to keep out of the wind when I am with them and even they keep in mind that I find smoking disgusting! So why can other people who are honest about their smoking habit and don't even share a bed with me take notice of my dislike and keep that in mind and why can't someone that I do share a bed with not keep that in mind? When you want to sleep you don't want to smell something you find disgusting. It's not a good help for falling asleep. At least not for me it is... *sighs*

Why do things that seem normal and easy to me have to be so hard to receive them from others??? Am I a moron for having these standards? Am I the main issue and the biggest problem? I just don't know what to think of myself at times like these. I know I should be sleeping but I just can't. I needed to write all these thoughs away, to share them with friends and maybe some complete strangers who just happen to come to this blog. I had to get these thoughts to (what used to be) paper so I am also able to re-read them many times over.

I guess in the end it is me who is to blame for the way I am feeling. I am the one who tries to live by these silly "rules" so I am the one who is making it difficult for others... Am I?

Friends will be friends...

...when you're in need of love, they give you care and attention...
At least, that's according to Queen's lyric.

On my old blog I had some posts on my vision to some things, as to friendship and all. But since the old blog died (*sobs* so many hours of work on it) all the work died with it. And since some recent events happened, combined with the "experience" of my youth (gosh now I do seem old!) it got me to thinking again. Nope, for those who are wondering now, it doesn't hurt. The thinking part that is. Some of the old memories do hurt though...

I used to have just one or two good friends. Never really belonged in a popular group. How I hated it... But now I start seeing things differently (aging does silly things to you) and I think differently and that does change my vision and opinion. Now I have more dear friends than I ever had. And I know they aren't just my "friends" because they want something from me (like in the not so good old times). They do care about me and show interest in me. That realy feels good. But the strange thing is, that in my opinion, I haven't changed much at all. I am still me. Honest to the bone, straight forward and hopefully a devoted friend to others.

But what does bug me once in a while, is the way people have "used" my friendship. Or how people just seemed to think that my devotion to maintaining a good friendship means they can walk all over me. That I am a slave to their wishes. They were right when it comes to my childhood. But now, I am not that "easy" anymore. And then I wonder again, how people sometimes don't even try to position themselves in the other person's shoes, just to imagine how they would feel then. That might be one of my "flaws". I try too much to imagine how others would feel upon my doings.

Am I still interesting or did you skip and scroll for the biggest part of this blog already?

Some times people can make me really upset by saying things that they obviously did not think about before blabbing it out. They might mean well and have the best intentions... And then maybe they have only their best intentions... Or they really are ignorant to the hurt they can cause others by saying stuff without thinking it through first. Yeah maybe it takes you 3 minutes longer to spill your thoughts out. But what if you know that those 3 minutes might be worth it? That it could change your expressions so you still mean the same thing, but it's brought out better to the ones intended? As written, people who know me know I'm down to the point straight forwarded with anything I feel, think or just say. But I'll never make a comment or statement without knowing exactly why I feel that way about something. People who make a statement and then get asked why and then answer with something like: because it's just how I feel... They do not come over as very honest people to me. There must be a reason for them to cherish just those feelings... Are they afraid of telling the truth? Of exposing themselves? Or is it just because they want to make a statement but really haven't got a clue?

That's the thing about a good friendship. The understanding of eachother is like a foundation of a home. It needs to be solid and you need to be able to build on it. A friendship isn't like an instant home though... You need to build it brick by brick. Work together to make it strong and reliable. When there's just one person building and the other is nowhere to be seen, one should think about how serious the other takes it.
Of course you don't always need to agree on everything. As long as you both can accept each others feelings and meanings it can even make a friendship tighter. Because you have looked at things from different perspectives and still agreed that a different outcome isn't such a big deal. Of course, one could get into an argument about things. As long as the argumentations are honest and right, the outcome should be positive if the foundation of the friendship is a strong one.

Ah well, I may continue this another time...or not... It depends on my mood I guess. Feel free to leave me a comment! I'm always open for dictussions, opinions and other's views on things.

Ta-ta for now sweet followers!
I'll be back!

Cynni xxx