Here it comes…

…here comes the weekend (© Roxette).

*I wanted to post a video of the song by Roxette here, but there was no good quality on YouTube yet… Am ripping my MTV Unplugged DVD, will need to edit to get the song and then upload it… Am working on it now...*

Just 2 more days that will be spend at work and then, it’s weekend already! But for me, it can’t be weekend soon enough. Work was OK though today, seeing it was a not too busy day and my boss had a day off. So we had everything spick and spam in no time and we even had some fun doing it.

I have been getting some nice comments of some dear friends on my previous posts and I really appreciate it! Thanks galls! I know I would be a dumb @$$ if I would not go with George and Joyce on vacation. But I am scared that I might spoil the fun. That’s why it keeps me wondering if I would be a total egoistic person if I would join, just because otherwise I would be scared to miss anything. On the other hand, I am not egoistic if I have so many doubts about it just because I do not want to spoil their moods. It is not easy, that is for sure. But hopefully I will be able to discuss this with Joyce and George as well (though it’s a bit harder with George, due to him being more stubborn than I am at times) that I might have some mood swings if I join and there might be times that I really need to be left alone to figure things out. I guess I would blame myself for not going, when I am here all alone and feeling down. And I also guess I would hit myself in the head for not going when they return with a lovely tan and all these experiences… So I guess my best guess is as good as yours and I might join them after all… I will need to talk about the sometimes needed a bit of time just for me, myself and I. But I think that it will work out… Don’t you think so?

 
The flag of the Dominic Republic.

A site with some pictures taken all around the Dominic Republic.

And some Google Earth images, so people who have no idea where the DR is, hopefully they know after reading-viewing this blog.

Some more info about the country can be found on this Wikipedia site. And many people have asked me how long our flight will approximately take. The answer to that question is: ±9 hours. The time zone of the DR (DR = Dominic Republic) is GMT-5 hours. Seeing the Netherlands is  GMT+1, there is a time difference of 6 hours.

I do hope that, especially for the ones who did not have a clue where the DR is, this blog post has made things a bit easier to understand. Otherwise, just download Google Earth™ and search for it!

I have been thinking a whole lot about myself, my situation and my feelings. Maybe because it was an easy day at work, I felt a bit more relaxed and allowed myself to do as I pleased. As I wrote before, all the work was done and in time, with fun. And that is what I have been missing so much. Fun at work. We’re supposed to work like we’re robots, and what’s the fun in that? if our work could be done by robots, we would have been replaced as soon as the market was ready for it. But I guess many people would hate to see robots running a store. No real people to interact with (or even nag at, at times!) and no feelings. Shopping, even grocery shopping, maybe especially grocery shopping, is done with feelings. You have to wonder what you like to eat, what you would like to “feed” the people you live with and how much time you’d like to spend cooking/preparing it. When you are in a hungry mood, you are bound to find your shopping basket fuller than you had intended.But the hunger makes you wish to buy more delicious things. And some people enjoy talking to us, talking with me, because some people know I will take an interest in them personally. Why else would I be able to call some customers by their first name? Some people even get mad if I use any polite forms (like madam or sir) when they have told me I need to just call them by their name? I have had some complaints in the almost 8 years but I have had many, many more compliments! And I think some people, if they wish to complain about anything they will, but making compliments is something that people normally don’t just do. I mean, when something is wrong on the register, they’ll complain immediately (well, some of them) but when things are OK, they usually take it for granted. So when people give you heart felt compliments, it does feel good. But when your boss tells you that you don’t work as he would like you to, you start to wonder if it is you who does anything wrong, or (seeing you get compliments) that your boss has a slightly weird idea or good and bad doing… And that is what makes me wonder so much, the good and bad perspective of things. It is important to keep your boss happy (is it?) but I believe it is even more important that the customers are happy! If you only do as your boss tells you and it creates a bad atmosphere in the store, a customer will not be eager to come back again. If the customer feels like his/her needs are filled and he/she is treated with respect, as a real guest of the store, he/she will be eager to come back and buy (maybe) even more the next time… Or is it just me who thinks like this?

I am now rendering the “Here comes the weekend” MTV unplugged video by Roxette. So when it is done, I can upload it to my YouTube™ and then finally add it to this blog post. It seems silly to tell you what I have been doing and am doing, when you don’t even notice it, because when you read this, it’s all ready and done.

I do hope that this blog will shed some more light on my current feelings, and even more, thoughts and perspective. I am always happy when you leave a comment, and I am even more grateful then, because I know some people read it, but by leaving me a comment, it shows a bit more how much you care.

I am starting to have some trouble writing now, I am getting quite tired, I guess. So I will post this blog now and promise you that as soon as I can post the video of today’s song, I will! Yeah, in case you haven’t noticed, I am trying to make a title based on a song, based on how I am feeling when I am writing the post. And, when ever possible, I will post the (YouTube™) video as well, so you are able to listen to the song, in case you don’t know it (yet).

TTFN everyone, thanks for caring!!!
Cynni xxx

If we changed it back again…

Things will never be the same

This is an un-official video, but the editing is just SO good that I wanted to share it with you on my blog.

First I’d like to thank my dear blog readers (& commenter's) on their sweet comments. I am still feeling unsure about what to do. And the silly thing is, that I really expected someone to comment like: you are insane if you are not going on vacation… But they is just the opposite off it all. And that makes me wonder… Even more than I already was wondering.I really do wish to go and I think I really deserve it (and yeah, I’ve paid for it already as well) but on the other hand, I am scared that my mood will f*ck up the holiday spirit for George and Joyce. I am afraid that because of my low self esteem lately, I will feel bad and because of that ruin there well earned days of sun, sea and delicious drinks. I am still in doubt and it feels weird. Even though I really wish to go, I also am afraid to go and mess things up. I know I am repeating myself but it is the thing that keeps my thoughts occupied these days, hours and minutes. I wish to have fun and relax and enjoy myself. I wish to feel better about myself again.

But the thing is: today I had my last physic therapy and I already told my boss (and wrote a note) in May. And soon I will have a day off before my vacation will start, to arrange everything and all. And today, he planned me the whole day and that extra day was planned in as well. I am not sure if he did it on purpose or not, but it did make me feel bad again. Like he’s teasing me, testing me how far I am willing to undergo and take it. As stated before, if he wants me off, he has to fire me… This is just one thing that makes me feel oh so insecure about myself. Makes me wonder if the work I do is appreciated and worthy. I know I do not earn as much as Joyce and I will never be able to earn as much as George. And I was used to the idea of him making more money and all, but the idea that someone 7 years younger with lesser experience earns the same (or even more) as I do now… It also adds to the wondering on how worthy I am. Seeing in the end of this month, I will work at my current location for 8 years already. And I know I have been absent for several whiles, but when I felt up to it, I always went to work. I even worked half days till about a week before my last surgery. And still I am told that I cost the company a lot of money… Other people would have called in sick 100% a long time before I have and I did my best. And I was also told that the last few weeks before that surgery, I was working “less fast” than was wanted. Yeah well, working on “tramadol” (painkillers) is still hard work, even if you don’t feel your pains and aches 100%… When I got that comment, I really had to hold back my tears, seeing I gave all I could when I could and still it clearly wasn’t enough.

So all that together, and with an extra added bad night’s rest (due to discomfort/muscle aches and nightmares) and a really low self image to begin with… Really made me feel like I did not matter. Like I just have to live to work and not work to be able to live. And when I had some time off from work, I would often spend it helping out George or Joyce (or both) with house chores. So no rest for my body as well. But if I would not help them, I would feel like I let them do all the hard work and I really want to do my part as well.

So now I am still in doubt about many things. Even though I have to admit I was really happy and excited when Steve opened up his prezzie during the voice chat with us and some dear other friends.

FINALLY I am able to post these pictures on my blog!!!

This surely made me very happy, but it also felt surreal. I am not sure if I can explain it, but I knew it would make Steve a very happy birthday boy *winks* and still I wished I would have been able to see his surprised expressions when he would pick the shirt out of the box and find out that it’s signed… And it was quite hard NOT to mention this “signing event” on my blog or board, because if he would real it anywhere, it would definitely spoil the surprise. Ah well, I am totally *yay* that it arrived safely and will now be framed as well *smiles*.

Usually, my working hours on Tuesday used to be from 8 till 17. Recently, as in the last 3 weeks, my boss has called me every Monday afternoon (at work or at home) to tell me that I have to start at 7:30.. *yay*… As said, I usually did not mind to work, but with all the real appreciation that has been shown, I really have to drag myself out of bed…

And now I am becoming so tired that I make errors in every 5 words I try to write, so I will upload this post and then get ready for a painful massage and then to go to bed.

TTFN,
Cynni

Going down, down, down…

Even though I have had the privilege of doing many fun things lately, and you have read about it here, please do keep in mind that I am catching up from over a year of not being able to do those things.

Lately I still have been feeling like I’m on a one way train, going down, down, down…

I know I am not alone, but at times I do feel like it anyway. Or I feel like I want to be alone, or left alone even. Just want to rethink stuff that’s been happening in my life lately. Stuff that I could not avoid and had to go through and deal with. Stuff I could not turn my back to, even if I begged for it, and stuff that always had a painful side to it. I guess my friends and blog-readers kinda know what “stuff” I am and/or can be referring to. To others, maybe new to this blog, I would advise to sit back and just check out the previous posts I have made.

But lately work is shitty. I had a deal with my boss about building up hours to get me and my body adjusted to it. And also that if I was planned to work a whole day, but it would be possible to leave a bit earlier, that I would be the one to go. But well, instead of going from half days work to 3/4 days and then full days, he just put me in for full days within a week of making this “deal” about building up my hours. And, as I wrote about before, at times I have to work because “…” (a reason) and then there are always others that are allowed to go home, even though I am still around. And last Friday, he planned me for half a day. The roster said that after my appointment with the health inspector, I had the afternoon off. So, guess what…?! YEAH! I had to get back!!!! And not for a few hours, nope, for the whole rest of the day!!!
And during the talk with that health doc, who was 30 minutes late!!!, I got the feeling he already mailed the letter he wanted to write about this appointment. Seeing he did not listen to any of my complaints and/or body troubles. When I told him that I felt like I was living to work instead of working to have a life, he said that “if I could work all these hours, I was declared 100% OK to work full days again”. That was after I told him about my ankles and back aches, my headaches and the fact that it was all too much! That I even worked around 8,5 hours a day, 4 of the 5 days a week. And all he mentioned then was “that he would advise my boss not to let me work more than 40 hours, like my contract said I had to work”. Yeah, that will help.
So when I went back to work after that conversation, well, him babbling and not listening to anything I said, I was pissed and mad and I have been feeling down and depressed ever since. Even people at work think he’s playing me so I will quit working there. But nope, that isn’t happening. I want my full benefits when I quit work and the only way to get those, is to be fired. So well… I will do my best for the customers, seeing they do deserve it (well most of then anyway). But furthermore, I am taking things easy. Why should I feel like I am dead when I get home from work, only to work my @$$ off again next day and feel shitty again when coming home??? It’s a circle I do not want to stay in, that’s for sure.

And I’ve just had it with about anything. I am not even excited or looking forward to that planned vacation and I really meant it when I wrote earlier that I would not mind to stay home alone with Chance. I just feel like I need “me-time”. Time to spend alone, being able to think things over, think my life over.

I will send this “update” to my blog soon and then head over to the couch downstairs and hopefully be able to watch some telly or a DVD.

Take care everyone!
TTFN, Cynni xxx