Getting into shape again…

…trying to remember if I ever had a shape…

I know that ever since my surgery on October 15th 2008, I have not been to sportive. I did my therapy, walked a lot whenever the weather allowed it and also rode on my bike for several 100 kilometers already. But seeing my back kept hurting and bugging me, I kinda slowed down on the walking a lot, biking a lot and going to the gym like twice or three times a week.

It’s also been ages since I ran. It’s been ages since I’ve been able to so I guess I could blame it on that. So today I thought throughout my working hours that I should start running again. Building up my muscles and my condition. So about an hour after dinner I grabbed my almost new running shoes (had only used them in the gym during fitness) and searched for my shorts.
I put on my Polar waistband and watch and got Joyce and George to come along. I knew I would hold them back, so I also told them it was OK if they wanted to run in front of me. I tried the 1 minute running, 2 minutes walking in a bit higher speed than usual for a while. But in the two minutes that my pulse had to recover, my heart rate kept getting higher and higher. After 3 intervals, I urged Joyce and George to go on and I would follow them…in an even slower speed, but one I felt a bit more comfortable with. I almost went mad at myself for slowing them down and not being able to keep up with them. But I know that’s stupid. We all have different backgrounds and I just hope I’ll be able to build my muscles and condition up again so I can keep up! They ran again for a while and I followed with 30 seconds running (in which my heart rate accelerated like 40/50 beats per minute!) and then 1 or 1:30 minute of walking (in which my heart rate slowly crept back to around the 130/135 beats again). When they turned and came running to me again, I turned as well and went along. The last stretch, George ran alone and Joyce and I followed, using my heart rate as interface in between the runs.

Since we walked towards the street where we’d do the running, I started my Polar heart rate sensor. This way I could keep track of the running and walking time and also of my heart rate. I always keep a “record” of what I did and what my heart did according to the Polar wrist watch. This way I can monitor the improvements… If there are any *winks*.

Exe time	0:55:50 minutes
In zone	0:26:38 minutes
Average HR	145
Kcal	468
Fat %	40

The running/walking thing took about 45 minutes and then I spend 3x15 crunches on out ab thingie, which took 10 minutes (well, from getting home to getting to the ab trainer and doing the exercises).

So this is what my “training” looked like. My muscles will hate me, they are starting to already… So I will get into my PJ’s soon, so my muscles will not cool too fast. Then I’ll head for the couch, watch some TV while I enjoy some “7-up free Xtra Bite”.

I am still working on my vacation updates, so stay tuned for those. Tomorrow, my mum, Joyce and I will go to the new Harry Potter movie in the cinema, so no working on my blog then… Maybe Friday after dinner and my work out *smile*.

TTFN everyone!
Cynni xxx

Here it comes…

…here comes the weekend (© Roxette).

*I wanted to post a video of the song by Roxette here, but there was no good quality on YouTube yet… Am ripping my MTV Unplugged DVD, will need to edit to get the song and then upload it… Am working on it now...*

Just 2 more days that will be spend at work and then, it’s weekend already! But for me, it can’t be weekend soon enough. Work was OK though today, seeing it was a not too busy day and my boss had a day off. So we had everything spick and spam in no time and we even had some fun doing it.

I have been getting some nice comments of some dear friends on my previous posts and I really appreciate it! Thanks galls! I know I would be a dumb @$$ if I would not go with George and Joyce on vacation. But I am scared that I might spoil the fun. That’s why it keeps me wondering if I would be a total egoistic person if I would join, just because otherwise I would be scared to miss anything. On the other hand, I am not egoistic if I have so many doubts about it just because I do not want to spoil their moods. It is not easy, that is for sure. But hopefully I will be able to discuss this with Joyce and George as well (though it’s a bit harder with George, due to him being more stubborn than I am at times) that I might have some mood swings if I join and there might be times that I really need to be left alone to figure things out. I guess I would blame myself for not going, when I am here all alone and feeling down. And I also guess I would hit myself in the head for not going when they return with a lovely tan and all these experiences… So I guess my best guess is as good as yours and I might join them after all… I will need to talk about the sometimes needed a bit of time just for me, myself and I. But I think that it will work out… Don’t you think so?

 
The flag of the Dominic Republic.

A site with some pictures taken all around the Dominic Republic.

And some Google Earth images, so people who have no idea where the DR is, hopefully they know after reading-viewing this blog.

Some more info about the country can be found on this Wikipedia site. And many people have asked me how long our flight will approximately take. The answer to that question is: ±9 hours. The time zone of the DR (DR = Dominic Republic) is GMT-5 hours. Seeing the Netherlands is  GMT+1, there is a time difference of 6 hours.

I do hope that, especially for the ones who did not have a clue where the DR is, this blog post has made things a bit easier to understand. Otherwise, just download Google Earth™ and search for it!

I have been thinking a whole lot about myself, my situation and my feelings. Maybe because it was an easy day at work, I felt a bit more relaxed and allowed myself to do as I pleased. As I wrote before, all the work was done and in time, with fun. And that is what I have been missing so much. Fun at work. We’re supposed to work like we’re robots, and what’s the fun in that? if our work could be done by robots, we would have been replaced as soon as the market was ready for it. But I guess many people would hate to see robots running a store. No real people to interact with (or even nag at, at times!) and no feelings. Shopping, even grocery shopping, maybe especially grocery shopping, is done with feelings. You have to wonder what you like to eat, what you would like to “feed” the people you live with and how much time you’d like to spend cooking/preparing it. When you are in a hungry mood, you are bound to find your shopping basket fuller than you had intended.But the hunger makes you wish to buy more delicious things. And some people enjoy talking to us, talking with me, because some people know I will take an interest in them personally. Why else would I be able to call some customers by their first name? Some people even get mad if I use any polite forms (like madam or sir) when they have told me I need to just call them by their name? I have had some complaints in the almost 8 years but I have had many, many more compliments! And I think some people, if they wish to complain about anything they will, but making compliments is something that people normally don’t just do. I mean, when something is wrong on the register, they’ll complain immediately (well, some of them) but when things are OK, they usually take it for granted. So when people give you heart felt compliments, it does feel good. But when your boss tells you that you don’t work as he would like you to, you start to wonder if it is you who does anything wrong, or (seeing you get compliments) that your boss has a slightly weird idea or good and bad doing… And that is what makes me wonder so much, the good and bad perspective of things. It is important to keep your boss happy (is it?) but I believe it is even more important that the customers are happy! If you only do as your boss tells you and it creates a bad atmosphere in the store, a customer will not be eager to come back again. If the customer feels like his/her needs are filled and he/she is treated with respect, as a real guest of the store, he/she will be eager to come back and buy (maybe) even more the next time… Or is it just me who thinks like this?

I am now rendering the “Here comes the weekend” MTV unplugged video by Roxette. So when it is done, I can upload it to my YouTube™ and then finally add it to this blog post. It seems silly to tell you what I have been doing and am doing, when you don’t even notice it, because when you read this, it’s all ready and done.

I do hope that this blog will shed some more light on my current feelings, and even more, thoughts and perspective. I am always happy when you leave a comment, and I am even more grateful then, because I know some people read it, but by leaving me a comment, it shows a bit more how much you care.

I am starting to have some trouble writing now, I am getting quite tired, I guess. So I will post this blog now and promise you that as soon as I can post the video of today’s song, I will! Yeah, in case you haven’t noticed, I am trying to make a title based on a song, based on how I am feeling when I am writing the post. And, when ever possible, I will post the (YouTube™) video as well, so you are able to listen to the song, in case you don’t know it (yet).

TTFN everyone, thanks for caring!!!
Cynni xxx

Lost in love

@ my attic room, behind my pc
♫ Bertolf: Not bringing me down (For Life album)
☼ None to be seen, only rain and more rain



♫ Not bringing me down

With your hand I was complete
now you're out of sight
That first time I could hardly see no light
but gone are the nights I couldn't sleep
I couldn't close my eyes
gone ate the cays
I could hardly keep from crying

(Chorus)
Cause I'm alright
Yeah I'm alright
It's not bringing me down
No more

Thought I could never get over you
it'd take a lot of time
Thought I could never love someone new
but why?
Well, that was a surprise cause I...

Chorus

Well, it hurt so much
but it doesn't hurt no more
When I'm looking for love
it doesn't lead me
To your door
tried to forget you so hard
Can't remember what it's for

Chorus

While listening to this song (again) I just started to write. It is not an autobiography or anything. Just my thoughts going *swoosh* and controlling my hands into typing this... This might make you wonder, this might make you skip this post. I dunno what you will do. I think I do care though, seeing I love to reach out to others and try to open up discussions about stuff. About things that I care about, things that make me think and wonder...

Lost in love

You hold me so close, though it feels like you're miles away. Your thoughts are not with you, with us, and it troubles me. I want to look you in the eyes and hope they will tell me where you are. But your eyes are closed, tears slowly escaping your lashes. Your grip on me tightens and it's getting hard to breathe. But I don't mind. Don't mind at all. Because as long as you're holding me, I know part of you is still around to be found. I want to talk to you, to ask you what's wrong. But I know it would be worthless and I will have to wait for you to start the talking. But you only deeply inhale and then you stutter while exhaling and the tears keep rolling down your cheeks.

You need me, maybe more or less than I need you. But I know that as long as we both believe in what's right, we are strong enough to make it though. I am not that strong or tough, but for you I will give my last bit of energy. As long as I know it will help you and I can count on you catching me when I fall. As long as I know that I'm not alone in all this.

All this going down around us. Making us bend and shape again and again. Twisting us into it's ways. Controlling it would be something we'd probably never totally accomplish. Since it is the way of the world, of the humans that live on it and the way they do that. People that you know can really affect you, make you do things that you normally wouldn't even dream of of doing it. But still, you feel there is no other way to do it, no other way out (or in).

And while I am holding you as tight as you are holding me I keep on thinking about how you were treated. How people have used you, and me too, and there was nothing you could directly do against it. You had to endure it, day after day. Making you both stronger but also really vulnerable. I saw you and know you were (and are) special. But you couldn't see it, not in a million years. The way you were treated and you were told that you were everything but special, you started to believe it. How could it not be true after hearing it so many times? How could it not be true when people who you thought meant everything to you were the ones telling you this? And now, now you are told that you are special and all. Why should this person lie to you and try to convince you of something that you're not? Or maybe, just maybe, that one person was right and you were lied to for a big part of your life. Trying to control you in a very mean way and *damn* they did conquer your soul. They had you on a leash all along. And then you wonder WHY WHY WHY??? To what use? Why use me? Why was I used?

While your mind is running all these questions again and again, the tears keep escaping from behind your eyelids, falling of your lashes and rolling down your cheeks. They are forming a river of loneliness. A river of pain that you endured all this time, keeping it inside because you thought you did not matter.

And now, you are lost. Lost in love and your thoughts. I keep on trying to get you back. Get you to talk to me. Get you to open up and see you can really trust me. Let you know that I do think you are really special and not just because I need you to do something for me.

Holding me tight, your breathing relaxes a bit. The in- and exhales are slowing down, less deep, less throbbing. Slowly your head tilts a bit towards mine and your eyes give in to opening up to me. While I am looking you in your eyes, I am the one getting lost in love...